wow

"if you believe in God, you go to heaven when you die. if you don't, you go to north korea."
~pastor lee, a former prisoner of north korea

edited to add:
sometimes profs know what they're doing, eh? check out what we had to memorize for the old testament final: this is no easy text . . . especially if you're going to try and live it. after spending an hour with the passage, i'm definitely tempted to give it a try. "nothing you desire can compare with her."

have you ever . . .

. . . caught yourself surfing the internet and asking yourself, "ok, where do i find the love?" which is weird, hey, because i feel pretty secure in the love i've got right now. anyway.

. . . still found things funny after you realized they didn't describe you after all?


. . . heard an argument and agreed with both sides? and disagreed with both sides?

marcus: my mum wants me to sing it. it'll make her happy.
will: look, mate, nothing you do can make your mum happy, all right? not in the long term. she has to do that for herself. what i'm saying is, the important thing is to make yourself feel happy.
marcus: i've tried just making myself happy. she's tried making herself happy. it doesn't work. you need other people to make you happy.
will: but that's just it. if other people can make you happy then they can also make you unhappy. what, you think those people out there are going to make you happy?

. . . just realized it's amazing to be alive even when you're exhausted and overwhelmed and unsure and . . . oh! yay, today!!!! yay!!!

bad news/good news

so it begins: homelessness is effectively outlawed in calgary.

in other news: maybe i'm growing up. and growing into something cool. i'm hoping it's in the general direction of Christlikeness.

"somehow life is hallowed because God did it, too."
~michelle

laurel beggin' hardy for a gun

a) hanging out with steve and kristin (at the same time) is inherently funny
b) stole pie
c) been converted (still scared, trying to be brave)
d) love my friends
e) angered and hurt by gossip
f) pretended i could pull an all-nighter
g) have serious doubts about my monotheism*
h) enjoyed that ross insists on sharing his music with me
i) tried to keep ross and kevin from hanging out
j) "finished" papers
k) cried multiple times during seder*
l) made meatloaf and casserole (officially a mom?)
m) is for mara who is so so so exhausted

* i'm not trying to minimize these by listing them so quick. truth is that they were/are both really big moments. something's going on inside my soul and i'm starting to notice it in my heart. "purity of heart is to love one thing." (kierkegaard's got something to say.) just want to love God with a pure heart.

it runs in the family

literally laughed out loud just now.

i sent out an email:

hi, everyone!
i would apologize for the mass email . . .
i have finally secured a cell phone with a number attached to it . . .
part of the melodrama i have spared you resulted in my losing everyone's phone number except the few i have memorized. btw, natalie, it's been 14 years and i haven't forgotten yours yet! momanddad are safe, too . . .

thanks for being someone who talks to me sometimes!
~m

my mom responded today:

Mara dear
Your message brought tears to my eyes! No, it wasn't its content or your reference to us, the creators, but the fact that you are the only person I know who - in salutation- puts a comma between hello and the name of the addressee. I've always thought and felt that that was the correct way in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I have consulted several books that seem vaguely or firmly in my favour, while all the correspondence I receive contradicts me.

Thank you for confirming that I'm grammatically/punctuationally correct. It really means a lot to me!

Love,
Luisa, your mom

PS Well, this doesn't excuse your giving me false hope for a Sunday morning chat, or that you haven't returned my Monday call. But this is another story.

bwahaha. and hee hee. and tee hee, even. gotta love that lady.

great expectations

walkin' on styrofoam . . .

. . . whoa, and it's time to feel good!

in other news, i'm the strangest combination of a tired college student, an overjoyed little girl, a lovesick puppy, a curious scholar, an impatient graduand, a reluctant dust-jacket processor, and a nostalgic lover of God.

today is the eve of something really big for me, a season that will be set aside in a special way. i wonder what that will mean, and part of me is so excited to start. another part is terrified.

anyway, as i write here, i hope that we can both learn and be formed in the days and months to come.

thanks for reading this. it means so much to me.

happiness waits at the stuffmart . . .

it's buy nothing day which, fyi, can be hard. there being sales EVERYwhere today. but no matter. ish.

p.s. veggietales really is on tv saturday mornings . . . albeit a less bibley version.

the showdown

it is so on. think elijah on mount carmel . . . only mclaren vs. jones.

it may only be 2006, but i think i can confidently say that this is THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY.

pamplemousse and circumstance

no doubt about it: my family and my friends and my God all rock. not in that order. but, yeah.

save the date: my convocation is on april 28th. 2007. yes, 2007!!!! feel free to do a little jig. i am!

broke the rules: and so ok with that, 'cause time with st. ross is always time well spent. and he makes a point of making me feel like a good friend. and he's yay. (that wasn't a typo.) maybe some rules are meant to be broken.

amazing photo: SO glad that kevin is a part of my life. hoping to get to know ashley better in the coming months!

now for something completely different: this perspective on the ted haggard fiasco reminds me that i must be willing to walk with those who need a friend.

doors and windows

tomorrow when you wake up, before you put on your makeup, could you say a little prayer for me?

that i might be bold.
that i might be gentle.
that i might give grace.
that i might find favour.
that i might have wisdom.
that i might not be the only one.

there may be news by the end of the day . . .

so many verbs and nouns

the black king

you are comfortable letting a situation evolve, reacting to it, and exploiting the weakness of your enemy when he over-reaches. your followers are loyal to you, and would gladly fall upon the sword of an advancing rook or queen for you, but you would rather use them to sneak in and surprise the enemy. you are content to let others do your dirty work, even your queen.


what chess piece are you? quiz written by gundark27 on OkCupid.



i'm not sure what that even means. but i kinda think it's inaccurate . . . maybe this quiz is dumb.

one year later

some of my worst fears about myself were confirmed today, as many of my insecurities were confirmed by someone i respect. in the wake of that, several people i deeply admire and cherish loved me, affirmed me, and really came to my rescue.

it's so hard to be wise and gracious and mature when i'm in pain. i'm trying, though. i want to speak and live out of my well, instead of sputtering. would you pray?

what i love about today

it snowed.
it's mom and dad's birthday.
i did laundry.
i talked to mom about debating and the class i'm teaching.
i talked to dad about the state of federal liberal politics and tax exemptions.
i talked to corina about food and happiness and how much i have sucked over the years.
i talked to james about long hours and augustine and not wanting to talk to him.
postsecret was updated.
my busdriver teased me.
i went to church.
we sang a round.
caleb and rochelle showed up.
i called someone darling by mistake. (*gotta* watch that!)
God lives in me.
i went home and stayed there.
jen had an important conversation.
i stopped counting.
i ate avocadoes.
i napped.
i finished my exodus readings.
ross ranked me first.
i smiled.
i wrote.
i loved.
today.

do they give awards for this?

i just used logarithms to try to determine how many israelites escaped during the exodus/how many kids people had back then. the problem is, you need to know one of those for sure to figure out the other.

anyway, math and bible do mix.

and mara is a geek.

to turn that into an update: mara is still a geek.

read my homework

I walked out of morning Eucharist once last semester. It was simply impossible to stay, feeling the way I was. Perhaps that was why there was something familiar about this last round of lectio divina: I really wanted to leave.

Just before I came into the prayer room to join my team, I had run to the Pygmy on a quick errand. There, I was confronted with someone's dissatisfaction about some work I had done. As I returned to that supposed sanctuary of silence and peace, the last thing I wanted to do was this assignment.

We chose Zephaniah 3:14-20, and Sarah read aloud. As I heard the call to worship, my thoughts were focused on giving up: "My best efforts at serving people fall short. What I give is never enough. I am tired of being taken for granted." Then I really heard the words being read: "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp." The image may have had a number of different meanings to Zephaniah's audience, but to me it was a posture of resignation and defeat. And God was calling me away from it.

Because this passage had been used for Spiritual Emphasis Week earlier in the year, I had taken some time to read the whole chapter. I knew that Zephaniah was speaking about "one fine day" when God would set all things right. I wondered aloud, "Is that something that's only achieved in Heaven . . . or should we be looking for it now?" Is it reasonable to expect that I will be protected and loved and joy-filled in this lifetime? Because sometimes that intimacy with God eludes me and I stand, hands limp, and wonder what is next.

There is something so beautiful about a Father singing a lullaby over His baby daughter. It speaks of safety and belonging and cherishing. For me, it evoked yearning. I caught a glimpse, if only for a moment, of what it would be like to live out of confidence in God's love - undaunted by fear or worry, certain of His guidance, comforted by His presence. Sometimes, though, it feels like I am on my own - which, to continue with the infant imagery, leaves me wailing in my toothless, defenseless loneliness.

It is quite rare that I see myself as an abandoned child. Last Wednesday, though, Zephaniah's description of God's promises for the future spoke directly to the resignation and frustration I was feeling. What I still wonder is when those promises were intended to come to fruition and - because I avoid assuming the role of Israel in every verse I read - if they were even meant for us.

this time of year . . .

. . . means i don't have to wake up ridiculously early to see the most beautiful sunrises ever.
. . . means i'm actually earning grades instead of stressing out about deadlines.
. . . means i'm back at the gym.
. . . means it's a relief when i only have to wear a sweater.
. . . means blogging real stuff may be rare.

the hideous new girl

for longer than i can remember
i've been looking for someone like you
someone with a head like yours
and a torso, too
birds sing and you're going to pay
the end.
~tak's valentine for zim

thank you, tak, that was horrible
~ms. bitters' response

my tallest, a new child attacked me with meat. my conclusion: she's in love with me! this may prove valuable as i could use the child to learn more about human affffffection . . . which, from what i have been able to determine, is pain-based.
~zim reports in

dib: you're just jealous -
zim: this has nothing to do with jelly!

----

tak: the great thing about your people, dib, is that most of them don't notice. all they see is another faceless corporate venture, not a plan for world conquest.
dib: wait, is there really a difference?

----

good and . . .

gettin' better. if you can imagine!

BUT! i have that "i'm hungry and i've had too much caffeine today" feeling, which i have always imagined is what a hangover might be like.

but what do i know?

apart from that, perhaps you should know that i'm growing. i mean, because i'm telling you now. and, also, emily valentine was way over the line in the way she stalked brandon walsh. what was she thinking? and, also, the hangover isn't going away. four diet cokes, one london fog (soy, sugar-free), sushi, beef and green beans, and way too many almonds . . . quelle beast! (identify that reference and i'll give you a kiss. i promise!)

" 'i can do anything i damn well please.'
well, yes, i *can* do that . . . but then i have to call it sin."
~professor darlene hyatt (who has grown on me substantially since the first day of class and is so funny. i'm not yet sure if it's on purpose. the funny part, i mean.)

ache 2

less than necessary

what if i went to bed instead of blogging? would the world miss my words? no, you'd live on. i have faith in you. you don't need this post to make this moment new and beautiful. so, stop reading and go love someone.

ache

newsflash: you can't have it all

i've babysat aidan for about twelve hours in the last twenty-six, and i can say this with confidence: working and having children at the same time is impossible. i couldn't give him the attention and energy he deserved because of the other things on my mind - papers, presentations, etc.

children deserve fidelity, just like spouses do.

fun fact

you can't have second thoughts if you're not having thoughts at all.

file that away for a rainy day!

firsts

counter-clockwise:

a) i've never been stood up before, as far as i can remember. that was a treat . . . in that it was the opposite of a treat. picture me, in a starbucks armchair, forced to resort to brian mclaren for company. yikes!!!

the scariest thing is that you don't just figure "maybe their movie ran late" or "maybe there's craaazy traffic going south on crowchild . . . at 9pm . . . in the north north west." for half an hour you also wonder, "are they dead?" which proves, yet again, that pain is an opportunity to remember how great joy is.

relax: my friends aren't dead. their movie ran craaaaazy late. and they missed me by seven minutes. and they're sorry comma wonderful.

b) walked biscuit twice today . . . his baggies are pink. (are they scented? that would add a little something extra, don't you think?) he's whining now, so i'll keep this short.

c) have you ever tried to come up with reasons your straight friends seem gay? there's a three-item list for kevin (don't bother following the link, he hasn't updated since shortly after the flintstones went off the air) and ross (he updates more often, but his blog always breaks this computer) thusfar. we're working on it.

d) watching two paradigm-shifting movies back to back? dangerous. in this case, v for vendetta with the lovely heather and then stay all by myself. and when i say "back to back" i mean that there was a thirty minute gap between bidding farewell to heather and greeting ryan gosling. (p.s. sigh) anyway, conclusion? masks can be real and reality can be an illusion. in that order.

ross and rachel

on any given day, i'm attaching value to the people, books, experiences, songs, ideas, and pygmy menu items i interact with. they are worth something to me. today, ross and michelle and i were talking about how you determine what something/someone is worth. ross said that, when it comes to buying things, he considers how many hours of work he has to put in to get it. if, in return for working a particular shift, his boss gave him a particular product instead of cash, would he be ok with that?

over lunch, some of us were talking about kids. steve joked that he and his wife will sit down, plan out their lives, and figure out which span of 18 years is most rational for child-rearing. i quipped, "hmm . . . i think i'm ok with completely surrendering my autonomy and agenda for these eighteen years!" i don't know much, but i'm confident that having children is never convenient. it is always always always a sacrifice.

during my reading of genesis just now, an old story struck me in a new way: jacob meets a beautiful woman - it's his cousin, but let's ignore that for the moment - and falls in love with her. his uncle says, "i'll hire you as a shepherd! name your wages!" jacob says, "let me work seven years in exchange for marrying rachel."

i get that there are things about this that should offend me: women being treated like chattel, etc. but, in light of the conversations i had earlier today, i wasn't offended. i was moved. the writer of genesis says that the seven years felt like only a few days to jacob.

oh, to be loved like that. and, what's more: to love like that.

kaddish

my mom had a kindergarten in our home more than twenty years ago. one of our favourite games was playing house. miron was my husband. we would go and buy potatoes together.

we visited miron and his family in montreal more than ten years ago. he ate escargots. i still prefered potatoes.

miron gabriel deca (mutunica)
on saturday, september 9, 2006 at toronto. beloved son of tereza barta and anghel deca. loving fiance of olga evstifeeva. dear brother of daniella, stefana, and roman. he will also be remembered by doru bandol and his dear friends. loving him infinitely and missing him forever. at benjamin's park memorial chapel for service on monday, september 11, 2006 at 3:00 p.m. interment: the pride of israel section of mount sinai memorial park. shiva: 154 st. john's road.

magnified and sanctified be God's great name in the world which He created according to His will. may He establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. let us say, amen.
may God's great name be blessed forever and ever. blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though God is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. let us say, amen.
may there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. let us say, amen.
let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. let us say, amen.

sigh no more

as i lay in bed this morning, pondering love, a scene from much ado about nothing sprang to mind. benedick (kenneth branagh) is knee-deep in water, splashing along in the fountain, laughing to himself. beatrice (emma thompson) is leaning back in a swing, beaming from ear to ear. a soaring melody - strong, jubilant, triumphant - plays in the background. that scene has always been my picture of what love should be like - the feeling itself, i mean.

that was this morning. tonight, much ado about nothing was on tv. and i randomly tuned in just before the scenes described above. that's a pretty weird coincidence, if you ask me. (and even if you don't.)

p.s. i finally broke down and watched the notebook: apparently, you don't really love someone if "you don't laugh, you don't touch, you don't play . . ." that pairing of love and play really hits home with me. sigh. ;-)

breaking my own rules

i'm not a fan of "what if"s . . . but here are a few anyway. just to leave me conflicted and wondering.

what if i never worry again?
what if life stays this good?
what if the headaches don't stop?
what if growing apart is all that's ahead?
what if loss never stops hurting?
what if it's simpler than i imagined?
what if it's not about thinking or feeling or doing or even being?
what if i love you without knowing you?
what if the campfire smoke can't wash away?
what if 84 hours make all the difference?
what if i learn to walk?
what if i'm loved without knowing it?

what if i'm looking for answers to these questions, and i'm not just being a whimsical smart-ass?

like rain

kat and rick are married now . . . to describe their wedding in a few words, it was the best of who they are, as individuals, as a couple, as a part of a community of love.
the hours of driving, getting lost, finding our way - both geographically and figuratively - with kevin and ross were priceless. and i hope it's just the beginning.
sometimes God listens.
or maybe it's just that sometimes i notice.
i am not worried . . . i am not overly concerned.

shout-outs to team 1981

there are only two people in the 7some family reunion 2006 who share the same birthyear: dov and me. 1945, 1952, 1977, 1982, and 1984 take a backseat. so sad. anyway, although i've met dov before and he's been dating ioana for fivepointfive years, this was the first time we really connected. somehow, he became a real person on this visit . . . dude, if you're reading this, i hope you know that i mean. he's a shoulder to cry on (in theory) and he knows how to carve a turkey. two enthusiastic thumbs up.

leaving toronto means that, among other things, i won't be seeing justin again for a long time. which stinks quite a bit. he joined the team less than a month before me, and paved the way for my membership. i guess. also, he's wonderful. also, the 6some (7some minus sir james) went to a hungarian restaurant on sunday night . . . and i really wished i could tell him so he could laugh at me. sigh. i'll miss you, buddy! (yeah, and you'll take it!)

leaving toronto also means that, among other things, i am so back in calgary, and have been unpacking lots and lots. consider yourself officially invited to visit me in my loverly room and - if you haven't already - to meet my roommate jen. you guessed it, she's on the team, too.

woot, etc. we're taking over the world with our quarter-century-awesomeness! and why? because 1981=7x283. need i say more?

ode to me

socrates believed the unexamined life is not worth living.

he believed in asking questions about ourselves.

and look what it got him!

~stephen colbert, may 9th, 2006

well said.

un-convenient?

listen, it's been a while since i watched bill maher. probably years. but he's hit it on the head this time: in this monologue he talks about global warming, healthy selfishness, and treason. in this "war on terra", which side are you taking?

unnamed

i finally saw the name of the rose this evening . . . my mom is a huge umberto eco fan, so it's something of a surprise we've avoided each other for so long.

it's sean connery, f. murray abraham, and christian slater in a benedictine murder mystery that manages to be more interesting than the da vinci code (i'm not linking that) without necessarily being soft on church abuses. no spoilers here, but it did remind me that being human and seeking wisdom and joy might just be ok with God. good news, i think :-)

here are three memorable quotes, all from william of baskerville (connery):

how peaceful life would be without love, adso.
how safe, how tranquil . . . and how dull.

~~~

have you ever found a place where God would have felt at home?

~~~

adso, if i knew the answers to everything,
i would be teaching theology in paris.

unsure

saw soulpepper's production of "the real thing" on saturday; it's shaping up to be a tom stoppard summer. i may have to reread "arcadia" before leaving toronto.

parents are flying away to cairo for ten days. get this: my mom told me what to tell the papers if she dies in a terrorist attack. not kidding. i'll post that once she and dad are back in canada.

before you get yourself into legal trouble, note well: billy blanks owns the rights to the phrase "now you know." i know this because i read the copyright and trademark information on my tae-bo tapes. and now you know. D'OH!

quote de jour (from stoppard, bien sur):
don't write it, just say it.

undeserved

sometimes things go really really well for me all of a sudden. not everything is perfect - don't get me wrong. but a lot of things are very good. and i very much like that. and i'm very aware of Whose "fault" it is.

i'm leaving toronto in three and a half weeks. and that's sad, exciting, scary, and encouraging. i wonder what my life would be like if i stayed. if friendships were allowed to deepen and i had to make commitments here - to a faith community, to a school, to a home. i don't live out of a suitcase, and haven't ever, but i'm kinda rootless. at this point i have to wonder what things would be like if i put down deep roots somewhere. here. in calgary. wherever.

in fact, how *can* you make today count without making some commitments . . . at least a few? not just to values and ideals, but to people, i mean.

if i weren't leaving in three weeks . . . what would happen?

unashamed

i stole this from faith. i am ashamed neither of my yoinking tendencies nor of the fact that it's quizzy.

by any other name . . .

1. your rock star name: (pet and current street name)
framm alamosa

2. your movie star name: (grandfather/grandmother on mother's side first name, favorite candy)
maria mars

3. your "fly girl/guy" name: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
m (to the) apo

4. your detective name: (favorite animal, name of high school)
elephant jackson (that doesn't quite have a ring to it... maybe i'd go by "elly jackson")

5. your soap opera name: (middle name, city where you were born)
alexandra bucharest

6. your opposite sex name: (name of dad/mom, cell phone company you use)
george rogers

7. your star wars name: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
apotiufra

8. your jedi name: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
ardnaxela uitiziv

9. your stage name: (middle name, street you grew up on)
alexandra clovercrest

10. superhero name: ("the", your favorite color, the first thing you see when you look to your left)
the sky-blue tube

p.s. this is a stalker's dream come true. that was a LOT of personal info.

unearthed

exciting news: i talked to foreign guy yesterday!!!!

maybe you're not as thrilled as i am . . . you should work on that.

("lonely" isn't the only thing this summer has been . . . but phone calls are still a welcome change.)

unconscionable

help me understand: why does the nationality of the casualties play a role in one's position on the middle east crisis? a civilian is a civilian is a civilian. if you support a nation's right to defend itself at the expense of civilian lives - which i don't - that support should be independent of who dies in the process.

but i'm sure that those who are pressuring the pm are just as concerned about the other foreign nationals whose lives are at risk, not to mention the innocent lebanese and israelis caught in the cross-fire.

p.s. i watched an old marx brothers movie called "duck soup" the other day . . . it had been years since i last saw it. anyway, the "we're going to war" scene felt morbidly inappropriate. particularly the line about how "all God's children got guns."

undeniable

to paraphrase jon stewart, welcome to world war three.

for reasons passing understanding [read: possibly related to money], rick salutin's excellent article in the globe and mail cannot be found online in its entirety. here's a teaser, to get you started. this article alone is worth the buck you might have to spend on today's paper. trust me on this one.

peruse your newspaper -- ow!
by rick salutin
friday, july 14, 2006

so this is where the "war on terror" has got us. look through your morning paper: gaza, lebanon, iraq, iran, afghanistan, mumbai. it's "crisis overload," squeal the overstimulated tv anchors. how did it happen? i'd say it's a result of treating 9/11 as a supreme menace on its own, rather than largely determined by other factors. i guess that places me among the "root-causes people," a term implying lack of toughness, like vegan or pacifist.

for the record, i believe in treating symptoms, not just causes. but treating a symptom while ignoring its cause is benighted. and pouring resources into treating a symptom while exacerbating its cause(s) -- that is lunatic.

salutin goes on to explain: "i'm hyperventilating because the obsessive focus on terror isn't just a waste of money or a form of dishonesty. it also increases the incidence of terror."

so so worth the read.

p.s. last night, stephen colbert said, "it's true because it rhymes." i'm pretty sure i get royalties.

undone

this isn't something i'm feeling . . . but it's something i've felt. if one can ever say that a feeling is wrong . . . that one was.

and now i'm free.

(pictures from postsecret.)

unquantifiable

"so, how much do you *really* miss calgary, mara?"

"so much that when i passed the 10 volume set of gerhard kittel's theological dictionary of the new testament, i gave it an affectionate caress."

or maybe that just means i'm more of a geek than most of us realized.

edited to add:
never mind . . . i may have given a berenstain bears book a similar affectionate caress. maybe i'm just longing. not because this is so bad, but because in life i just can't seem to have all the good in the same room at the same time. and sometimes that's hard.

offend someone today . . .

. . . at least you'll know you're doing something.

also, start reading larknews, 'cause i simply can't quote all the funny stories for you. but here's one:

church celebrates fifty years of peace through irrelevance
cincinnati - rolling hills christian church has spent fifty years diligently cultivating a good neighbor image, and this week they celebrated their spiritual irrelevance and moral acquiescence with a sunday morning festival.

"we get along perfectly with everybody in the community," said pastor james doheny before climbing into the dunk tank. "peace is our value of choice."
during the celebration the mayor lauded the church for being "a friend of the entire city."

"there's not one negative thing that could be said about this church, and the citizens of cincinnati appreciate that," he said.

doheny thanked the congregation through tears, and promised to lead the church toward "fifty more years of benign accommodation."

go and do likewise. or, you know, not.

men, etc.

are you a manly man? (listen to bradley's elaboration on what that might mean. it's funny. and good.)

my mom: the first two men were the wrong three men.

me: so, math is fun.

arwen

"you don't have to put a sword in her hand to make her strong"
~l.t.

savage

what did the words exactly mean? he only half knew. but their magic was strong and went on rumbling in his head, and somehow it was as though he had never really hated p before; never really hated him because he had never been able to say how much he hated him. but now he had these words, these words like drums and singing and magic . . . they gave him a reason for hating p; and they made his hatred more real; they even made p himself more real..

~~~

one of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and symbolic form) the punshments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict upon our enemies.

~~~

we haven't any use for old things here.
even when they're beautiful?
particularly when they're beautiful..

~~~

Christianity without tears - that what soma is..

~~~

we prefer to do things comfortably.

but i don't want comfort. i want God, i want poetry, i want real danger, i want freedom, i want goodness. i want sin.

in fact, you're claiming the right to be unhappy.

all right, then, i'm claiming the right to be unhappy.

not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind.

[there was a long silence]

i claim them all.

today . . .

. . . has been a long time coming. well, here we are at last.

matchmaker

for anyone who hasn't seen scope's new fresh breath counts campaign yet, check out this ad. this sounds like the guy for me.

maramath for beginners

mara + bbqing = quasi-disaster
frodo + sam = tumnus + lucy = mara almost crying
mara + more than a little pain = whiney baby
mommy + daddy + mara + ravine/boardwalk = good walks
bugs + hair = no fun
mara - procrastination = 0
mara = kevin = lots of excuses
mara + amy = excellent catch-up chat
mara + justin = intense gin games

because kevin asks good questions

it's not simply that the unexamined life is not worth living.

i'd actually argue that the unexamined life is not lived. we are reflective beings: we plan, we foresee, we anticipate. socrates was, of course, referring to contemplation that goes beyond the immediate to the more philosophical. all the same, it is fair to assume that all the members of our species are
involved in some degree of self-examination.

analysis of this kind is impossible without a little contextualization . . . that is, in thinking about the meaning and purpose of my life, i must think about the meaning and purpose of life for my species, in general. anthrolopogy is both integral and quite natural. we all pursue it to varying degrees, often without noticing it. this is most often associated with the context of ethics, but it is equally visible when we strive for a promotion or for a date: we are simultaneously aware of a) what other members of our species ought to find impressive and b) what they actually do find impressive. (i'd love to discuss that discrepancy, but it's not really the subject of this diatribe!)

if i then come to believe that there is an entity who created this species, the character and intentions of that entity become important. if we call the entity "theos" and the study of its being "theology", then we can say that theology necessarily informs anthropology. which, as i've already argued, is essential to life. note: if theos exists, theology is significant *irrespective* of what it tells us about theos. whether we end up at deism or polytheism or whatever, the nature of the creator casts a shadow on the nature of man.

if people find that a partial history of theos' engagement with creation is recorded in a book, then theology must govern how that book is read - hermeneutics and bibliology.

if people organize into assemblies for worship, then theology must govern what they do when they are together - ecclesiology.

if people feel compelled to introduce others to theos, then theology must govern how they go about that task - soteriology, missiology, and homilitics.

various streams of theology - christology, pneumatology, hamartiology, eschatology, and so on - pertain specifically to the theos known as YHWH, but they are part of the essential theology of YHWH, and so necessarily inform the "practical" studies mentioned above.

maybe this seems really obvious . . . but we have to understand who YHWH is before we can understand who we are and how we are to engage with YWHW and one another.

meiosis

my mother doesn't understand me . . . but when i see myself through her eyes, i understand myself better. does that make sense?

i'm knee-deep in italo calvino's "meiosis" as i work on my last essay for until next semester . . .

. . . narrating this story becomes more complicated than when it was a question of a single cell, not only because the description of the relationship must take into account so many things that happen at the same time but above all because it's necessary to establish who is having relations with whom, before specifying what sort of relations they are.

actually, when you come right down to it, defining the sort of relations isn't after all as important as it seems, because saying we have mental relations, for example, or else, for example, physical relations doesn't change much, once mental relationshop involves several billion special cells called neurons which, however, function by receiving stimuli from such a great number of other cells that we might just as well consider all the trillions of cells of the organism at once as we do when we talk about a physical relationship."

ekklesia

maybe you won't do it no matter how nicely i ask. so, i'm taking a chance. we both know it.

just read this story - it's carver's "cathedral", if that matters.

i experienced something similar the other day, you see. in a chapel whose walls are my brown brown hair i knelt at the altar behind my eyelids. it's been a while.

my home must always be within walking distance of a swing set.

that's no longer a mere luxury.

apologetics begins at home

i like plato. i really do. but i much prefer socrates.

suckily, you can't get pure unadulterated socs. he never wrote anything down, so you gotta read plato to get to socs. the trouble? sometimes plato puts his own ideas into socs' mouth.

scholars (who ostensibly know these things) debate and determine which texts are really socratic and which are platonic. even once this is figured out, the reality is that you can only ever see socs through plato's eyes.

i like the church. i really do. but i much prefer God.

the good news is, you can get pure unadulterated God. even though He's never written anything down (you can read the church to get to God, but sometimes the church puts its own ideas into God's mouth.)

BUT, God is alive and, as He ostensiblty knows these things, He helps us when we debate and determine which texts are really God and which are the church (or not). even once this is figured out, the reality is that you don't have to settle for seeing God through the church's eyes.

and that's why God is better than socrates.

ahem. maybe not the only reason.

p.s. this was written in defence of the class kevin and i will be teaching next year.

before i come undone

"what do you want for your birthday?" well, we're going to chapters in a minute so i can come up with a reasonable answer. 'cause there's nothing anyone can say if i tell the truth: i long for fresh adventure! (hard to gift-wrap, i know!)

i concluded a long time ago that it's infinitely harder to write eloquently about joy than about sorrow, so it's no surprise that i'm struggling now. it's just that life is so full. brimming with hope and paradox: a garden in my room, a book in my ears, a song in my eyes.

when i used to play badminton there would be times when my whole right arm would get impatient. it would looooong to smash the birdie, but the set-up would be wrong time after time. the feeling moved up my arm into my whole body until i was just buzzing to smack the birdie over the net with every bit of energy i had. it wasn't out of frustration or anger or sadness; it wasn't cathartic or competitive. it was restlessness.

it's not that i'm bored, you know. and it's not because i just finished reading the narnia series.

maybe we're just made to long for adventure. to buzz like that with everything we've got. until the right set-up arrives?

amended @ 11:18 to add: go here. thanks!

take my hand

must report that i have really missed my sharon. and the last seven hours haven't made up for three years of barely connecting. boo. but yay.

do yourself a favour: go and see the movie "live and become."

"Hips don't lie, but Men and Beasts do" ~ lewkhira

in timeline, paul walker says, "we've got 650 years of knowledge on these guys. if we put our heads together, there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to get out of here and home in 20 minutes."

after all, what does the past have to teach us, anyway? we are by definition more progressive, more advanced, more inclusive, more intelligent, better equiped to do anything. but it's not just arrogance, you know?

there's a resentment that builds up, too. we inherit problems and feel try to atone for the sins of our fathers, and are so bitter against them for leaving us such a legacy.

what, you could have done better? look around! we do it over and over. every generation inherits a fallen world and, just to make sure, we all take turns killing it all over again. we have no moral high ground to stand on, friends. so, if it's not actual superiority, why this attitude?

in everything that rises must converge by flannery o'connor, a young man in the urban south deeply resents his mother's racism. why does her son respond with such violent contempt? the real reason?

he had wonderful memories of the old farm house he'd spent a childhood weekends in. for generation upon generation it had served as the home of plantation and slave owners. that was his family legacy . . . until the world grew up and they eventually gave up the property.

he lost something he loved, simply because it had been gained and maintained through dispicable means. the horror of southern treatment of blacks effectively tainted the most beautiful part of his childhood.

he hates his mom because he desperately wants the gift . . . but can't stomach accepting it because of how it was bought.

"he never spoke of it without contempt or thought of it without longing."

green kangaroo

strongly suspect that my sissy and her boyfriend are in love, and that my parents are, too. my bedroom is between my sister's and my parents', so "love is all around me." the best love is the kind where you don't have to pretend. and you can make funny faces and smell weird and it's ok.

yesterday, i met up with a friend and realized that i was dressed as dumpy as i get in public (baggy jeans and my rmc hoodie). because i know justin loves me no matter what, even if he's never said so.

bought sugar-free vanilla syrup from starbucks. i miss kat.

um, that's bad.

only i could pull an all-nighter to write an 800-word essay. (that's HUNDRED, not THOUSAND.)

"i love writing" is not equal to "i can do it effectively and in a timely fashion."

apparently.

p.s. hey, we got to 10,000 hits long before the first of june. thanks, friends!

fog and shadows

never let me go reminds me so very much of "the chrysalids" and "mara and dann." i suspect that's to do with the shared sci-fi-esque atmosphere and the friendship - so strong and so delicate - between a boy and a girl. but this particular book is more about . . . oh, so many things. i can't even . . . yeah, maybe i shouldn't have even written about this, because i don't know what to say.

it's like when you meet someone and really see the ugly sides of him, as well as the lovely ones. you sort of have to sit back afterward, don't you? you have to ask yourself, "is this someone i want in my life at all?" that takes time to answer, i imagine. and i've just finished up ishiguro's novel an hour ago. so, unsurprisingly, i don't know if i recommend it. unless you're into squinting.

cold as ice

as you are undoubtedly aware, toronto is a multi-culti city, by no means a homogenous monolith. heck, no! as a corollary, coolness can be achieved through one of a multitude of ways. find out if you are, in fact, toronto-cool by answering the quiz questions below:

1) i drink a) loose leaf tea and fair trade coffee         b) starbucks coffee which i grind at home

2) my newspaper of choice is a) now         b) the national post

3) my clothing style is best described as a) bohemian        b) business cas... even when i'm hanging out around my house

4) when i do laundry a) i don't put anything through the dryer        b) i dry clean almost everything

5) my charity of choice is a) amnesty international        b) my rrsp

6) my mode of transportation is a) riding my bike        b) driving my smart car

7) for exercise a) i go for runs along the rivers         b) i have a personal trainer

8) when it comes to cooking a) my ethnic dishes universally impress         b) unless grinding my coffee counts...

9) i have a dog-eared copy of a) "no logo" by naomi klein        b) this month's issue of o magazine

10) symbolic relationships: a) the hotdog vendors in my area know me by name         b) i have my therapist on speed-dial

11) i vote a) ndp/green/marijuana party         b) liberal/liberal/liberal

12) i have a love/hate relationship with being called a a) hippie        b) yuppie

you are cool if and only if: your answers were all (a) OR your answers were all (b).

in other words, in this case, you cannot simply choose a little of column a and a little of column b. there are two paths to toronto-cool, but they're 100% mutually exclusive. either hot or cold is cool . . . but there just ain't room for lukewarm.

odd duck

fyi: i am that kid at the back of the class who tirelessly strives to dominate classroom discussions. yes, that's me. please refrain from hurling stones my way.

read the following, s'il te plait . . . and when you're done, do yourself a favour and get the whole story.

The priest first read a condensed lesson of sacred history. Felicite evoked Paradise, the Flood, the Tower of Babel, the blazing cities, the dying nations, the shattered idols; and out of this she developed a great respect for the Almighty and a great fear of His wrath. Then, when she had listened to the Passion, she wept. Why had they crucified Him who loved little children, nourished the people, made the blind see, and who, out of humility, had wished to be born among the poor, in a stable? The sowings, the harvests, the wine-presses, all those familiar things which the Scriptures mention, formed a part of her life; the word of God sanctified them; and she loved the lambs with increased tenderness for the sake of the Lamb, and the doves because of the Holy Ghost.

She found it hard, however, to think of the latter as a person, for was it not a bird, a flame, and sometimes only a breath? Perhaps it is its light that at night hovers over swamps, its breath that propels the clouds, its voice that renders church-bells harmonious. And Felicite worshipped devoutly, while enjoying the coolness and the stillness of the church.

As for the dogma, she could not understand it and did not even try. The priest discoursed, the children recited, and she went to sleep, only to awaken with a start when they were leaving the church and their wooden shoes clattered on the stone pavement.

In this way, she learned her catechism, her religious education having been neglected in her youth; and thenceforth she imitated all Virginia's religious practices, fasted when she did, and went to confession with her. At the Corpus-Christi Day they both decorated an altar.
~from gustave flaubert, a simple soul

felicite's is a moving story of devotion, but i just wanted to highlight a particular aspect of her faith for you now: she felt and thought deeply about theology, wrestling with profound questions about the nature of divinity, among other concerns. but she had neither the time nor the inclination to dabble with dogma or doctrine.

theology, not dogma. wonder, not recitation. awe, not analysis. that's my kind of worship.

not the glass windows

this from adventures in odyssey: "true friends don't take a week off." kinda love that.

sometimes the things that are supposed to make you happy . . . don't. if "you" is me, then "you" get sad and frustrated. and (potentially) cry at the mall. if there's one thing i know how to do, it's ruin an afternoon with my mommy - who, for the record, is wonderful.

confessions [and some conclusions]

confession #1: when i'm walking down the street and i throw something into a garbage bin, i often pretend that i'm a spy somehow sending a secret message.
conclusion: i have watched way too many episodes of "alias."

confession #2: i often judge books by their covers, movies by the trailers before them, and people by the books on their shelves, cds in their stereo, and links on their blogs.
conclusion: i'm too lazy to experience things - i want to make up my mind as fast as possible.

confession #3: i really hate it when i get no comments on a post. a lot.
conclusion: i want to know that this isn't meaningless, and apparently meaning is contingent on external affirmation.

confession #4: seeing "the da vinci code" last night upset me more than i thought it would.
conclusion: lies infuriate me, particularly when most people won't take the trouble of finding out the truth.

confession #5: sometimes i think i could fall for a guy solely on the basis of his intelligent and witty contributions to classroom discussions. even if he sat rows and rows in front of me, and i never saw his face.
conclusion: maybe g.mango was right - maybe i would get married for the conversation.

no, not chronos

"later," my mom whispered to me, "when it's not raining, can we go to the ravine and jump?"
"we will," i smiled. and i meant it.

---

"i'm sure you have changed since high school. . . i mean, you know greek now."
i buried my head in the pillow.

---

she insisted i take a sweater with me to the party. in her most motherly tone - that synergy of sincere concern and unshakeable authority - she forecast that it would certainly be too cold by the time i came home.

---

"how perfect you are, like my hockey scar"
~divided, "you tell me"

---

we left high school 6 years ago - monica, heather, zeina, natalie, saloni, thuy, and i - and now we are: a drama teacher, a law school student, a soon-to-be architect (working for a firm my dad was with for many years), a masters art student (finishing her thesis), an accounts manager for an ad agency, a software checker (soon moving to vancouver), and a me.

---

"raise your hands high in the air
'cause you never really know what's gonna come from there."
~james lancaster, "pop pop da shotgun"

---

we desperately want to believe that we still know each other. yet, somehow, the idea that we are all still the same is as offensive as it is comforting.

---

"and does not God permit love, since He surrounds it with such visible splendor?"
~maupassant, "clair de lune"

---

will the rain ever stop? will we even remember to jump?

---

you know what? maybe it's simply too late for philosophy.

today's inbox

living water for the soul:
the LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
~psalm 34:18

word of the day:
cerebrate \SAIR-uh-brayt\ verb
to use the mind; to think

heart & mind: what a pair.

do me a favour? fight against false dichotomies every day of your life.

in no particular order . . .

g. mango hosted me last week . . . even though she never actually invited me to travel to vancouver, take over her bedroom, and eat her food, she was very nice about indulging me. also, she gave me a hug. just the one. i'm trying to make it last, like, a year. but that's looking . . . hard.

while visiting with the abovementioned mango, i had opportunity - for the second week in a row, mind you! - to pretend that i'm a grown woman. by which i mean, i cooked and cleaned and felt good about it. don't even call me sexist 'cause i'll knock you out faster than you can say "glazed carrots and asian asparagus on a bed of rice." anyway, i loved it and might even consider tossing out the whole grad school idea for a permanent "taking care of someone"-type role.

speaking of which, saw regent and vst last week, seeing mcmaster later this month. i'm asking questions like "ma or mdiv?" and "how much experience with traditional forms of ministry do i want to have before i commit myself to academia?" and "why am i so scared of people?" and such. i don't have to figure this out until next year, but please do start praying now. all of you. DO IT!!!

ahem.

ross, don't get too excited about your recent increase in hits. i keep going back to your little blog to listen to taking back sunday, whom i apparently love. even when they're just singing the word "miami" over and over again. who knew? also, i check up on kat's status each time. and if you wrote something, you know, personal, i'd read that, too.

i love my mommy and my sissy and i like my sissy's boyfriend. these are good things. also, strawberries and ice cream. also, sleep.

about that . . .

not alone

i think this person is drinking the same water as me.

i'm ly-ing (but it's all true)

previously on "mara's summer adventures - 2006 edition":
- expectedly: cried
- plane-ly: watched "what not to wear" sans volume
- zillion-times-ly: lamented that i only really got to know lysa and danielle in the last two weeks
- kinda unexpectedly: went to victoria via bc ferry!
- apparently: now quote scott (eg: "life is easy") all the time
- sadly: left my res staff photo mug on bc ferry
- surprisingly: met a guy who listens to the beach boys, the beatles, and smashing pumpkins, and cooks breakfast for his sister and her friends (they do exist.)
- constantly: tell stories about kat
- annoyingly: am unable to pass a street sign without commenting ("i once had a prof named chambers . . . hey, brentwood is the area of calgary that i lived in . . . earl haig is on empress in toronto")
- affectionately: passed a street called "wesley place" and thought about what good care janet is going to offer my favourite dog in the world
- future-ly: helped walk dogs (chase and stella) and reflected on whether i'll ever have real ones (no offense, wesley!)
- unsurprisingly: quote steve (eg: "the books stay open") all the time
- timely: thought much about real pain and real struggles, recognizing yet again that my own drama is so . . . teeny
- chattily: talked with my bestest human friend, nellie-o, who (i am relieved to report) isn't tired of me yet
- currently: reading "catcher in the rye" because . . . sigh.

text

to one: sometimes there is too much pain. not in my life, but in everyone else's, it seems. God help us.

to two: how do you have anything left to give when so much has been taken away? i am amazed, filled with joy. you bring Him glory when you give.

from three: Life Is Maybe Not As Scary As I Thought.

maybe text messaging isn't just for "CU@3?" or "call me l8r" . . .

and pleads for all his bleeding love

365 . . . and i still haven't learned to mourn. i miss you.

kiss me, i'm an icon!

let me say, first of all, that it is entirely possible that the theology department has gone too far. (and by that i mean a handful of the theology majors - not the department itself.) our humble excuses, as far as i can surmise/invent, are these:

point the first:
studying theology is diametrically opposed to having fun neither in theory nor in practice.

point the second:
most of us are looking forward to at least another five years of graduate work in theology (that's after at least four years at rocky) . . . so we need to have fun with it, lest we lose all interest.

point the third:
if you had three friends who discretely dressed up as roublev's trinity icon for the christmas banquet, and your last name were apostol, wouldn't you be tempted?!

point the fourth:
ross is talented and clearly has way too much time on his hands. imagine what he'd do with that if he weren't touching up photos to turn them into icons! we're really just taking one for the team.

point the fifth:
we want to be the "sexy" department - that was for you, kevin - so controversy is an absolute must.

point the sixth:
apparently, we were just getting started when we mocked bibles for the deaf.

bringing the mystery and scandal back,
for the sake of the Church
and to the glory of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
~the dead theologians society

don't forget

rewatched most of memento in the last day or so.

---

memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. and memories can be distorted. they're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts.

---

just because there are things i don't remember doesn't make my actions meaningless. the world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?

---

so how... how can i heal? how am i supposed to heal if i can't... feel time?

---

i have to believe in a world outside my own mind. i have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if i can't remember them. i have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. do i believe the world's still there? is it still out there?... yeah. we all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. i'm no different.

---

off the fridge

above this opaque din
is
light
make haste to woo it

i have beauty you know nothing about

sanctify me

i am curiously mortal

lazy here

tempted there

oft questioning

almost melancholy

please

slather on grace

sound friends do seek thee
in this torment
they shalt reach here
ere that fould & loathsome winter is o'er


from the abridged works of miss mobach:
you damn vulgar miscreant torpid boor
your caterwaul deceived the saucy maiden
who elucidated her mind
only to have you cunningly abscond with her herculean love
farewell drunk lover whose acid manner enervates the above woman
thus making thee a pariah
alas methinks he is a villainous man
a cod piece
and so he is too
his perilous death would soon come
but for mercy


from the works of mr. hill:
Leaves blow in the wind.
Trees are green.
Chocolate tastes good.
Steve has character.

Mara talks lots.
Homework awaits.
Spring now fades.
Summer soon dawns.

Think upon these things.

PS
Mara has a crush on every boy. :o

so . . .

some people make me laugh.
some people tell me that being absurd is sometimes wisest.
some people challenge me to fight for truth.
some people make me want to die to self and wealth.

some people hold my hand and love me.

coincidence?

i tired ~ i tried

seems conspiracynesstional to me.

0.428571428571428571...

three of the seven school things for this week are now completed. in 12 hours, at least two more HAVE to be done. ok?

thanks.

i prefer exams to papers, except i love writing. is grad school going to be easier? guess what - heck, no, that's what!

anyway.

i'd like a venti earl grey tea misto with one tea bag, non-fat milk, one pump sugar-free vanilla, one pump sugar-free hazelnut . . . and if i could get it in a cup with a new "the way i see it" on it, that'd be fantastic.

it's yum.

short sentences are what i prefer. either that or really long ones. inbetweeners like this one are a tad banal. i like commas, and oxford commas are my favourites. if favouritism like that is allowed. and even if it isn't.

bite-sized

i love turkey leftovers. let the truth ring around the world!

leftovers, forever!

wish i had headphones right now. but, alas.

jon stewart is someone i admire more than i care to admit. suffice it to say, it's a lot. a LOT.

have headphones now. wishes can come true! and, as a result, ross' blog just got funnier, because there are few things i find as amusing as people swearing at dead philosophers. wish i were kidding, but do me a favour and don't hold your breath for that wish to come true.

"how perfect you are, like my hockey scar". skoch makes me wonder about things. sometimes i think our friendship is too good to be true. it's too easy. it's bound for destruction.

"shed a little light" is stuck in my head, again. maybe i should clarify that it's not a depressing song, but kind of an anthem of hope and reflection. because when i quoted only part of it, that may have been alarming.

oh, let us turn our thoughts today to martin luther king
and recognize that there are ties between us
all men and women, living on the earth
ties of hope and love, sister and brotherhood

you know, that reminds me of a quote from jfk . . . sigh:
for in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. we all breathe the same air. we all cherish our children's future. and we are all mortal.

earth-shattering? perhaps not. but ideas make my heart sing. because they're beautiful, you see. like geometry.

there's a goal i've had for nearly six years that i've only made infinitesimal progress on. that's boo. also boo? sometimes habits i've kicked threaten to make comebacks. as nav would say, that's getting old.

i just got excited wondering what box number i'll have next year. i've moved from #9 to #12 and i'm hoping to get closer to the front end!

addition to my non-negotiables for potential husband-type figure: able to carve a turkey. 'cause, seriously . . .

PS i wish i was a systematic theologian... they're all so cool.

it's all about the love.

another opportunity to tell me what you think about things. aren't those opportunities fun? check this out.

there is a feeling like the clenching of the fist
there is a hunger in the center of the chest
there is a passage through the darkness and the mist
though the body sleeps the heart will never rest

shed a little light, oh Lord
so that we can see
just a little light, oh Lord
gonna stand it on up
stand it up, oh Lord
gonna walk it on down
shed a little light, oh Lord
~aimee mann's cover of james taylor's "shed a little light"

i would dance and be merry
life would be a ding-a-derry
if i only . . . well, you know the rest.

graphic!

this may be more than you wanted to know:

EEN
kevin, i've got augustine, aquinas, plato, aristotle, and kant in my head. in that order. everyone else, who do you think like?

TWEE
waxed my legs for the first time yesterday. turns out, it hurts. but it's probably another one of those rites of passage into authentic womanhood. like preparing a turkey of a dinner. (or a turkey dinner. depending on whether you're paying attention while you're typing.) anyway, i am woman, hear me whimper, etc.

interesting: the instructions actually include the phrase, "proceed confidently." tip-off? maybe.

DRIE
deniss prefers it when i have short entries. deniss, you can stop reading now.

VIER
it's saturday, so south meadows hears from me today.

VIJF
i probably spend too much time blogging.

nothing (coherent) to declare

life is anything but static.
serving makes me happy.
God is better every day (. . . so much for all that "same today as yesterday" business they sell you in sunday school.)
home is where the dishes are.
michelle is wonderful.
mud is beautiful.
maybe i'll work at the library next year.
my hands are dry.
it's easier to clean up after others than it is to clean up after myself.
i'm suspicious of vitamins but maybe i'll start a small business anyway.
i need a place to live.
wet naps are essential.
bubbles are not . . . but they make life better.

bakers dozen parades/stand and debate/out single file/nine in a row/swear if you must/keeping your boots on/float with the now/hot to the touch/concrete underground/cast out everyday/dregs of society/underbelly, inside of me,/rejoice and follow thee

i wanted to get right
with it. with you.
~pearl jam, "get right"

procrastination loves company

ahem.

i feel compelled to supply the world with a report (complete with pictures) of the events of this morning:

i was awakened at 6:45 by my cell phone alarm, and then re-awakened five minutes later by the incessant ringing of our doorbell. the ras were buying everyone (read: the 25 people who got up!) breakfast, so kat and i hurried to get dressed. the wake-up procedure was assisted by me playing "taps" on my euphonium,with mixed success (read: i don't know how to play "taps", actually!)

smitty's not having been warned of their impending doom, we ended up waiting over an hour for food, so i missed ethics class. and, while i heard (from kat, who chose class over breakfast) that the discussion was interesting, i don't know that i mind having missed it. it's been getting on my nerves, and not for the reason ethics classes are supposed to. :)

anyway, i resolved to spend the remainder of the day focussing on my essay on jonathan edwards, whom i adore. (resolution #2: stop falling in love with dead guys. seriously.) BUT i was stolen away from my much-loved essay (which wept bitterly at my departure) and dragged to canadian bible society and pilgrim's. to drool over copies of the septuagint and be inspired to learn hebrew and latin because, well, i think my geek rating may be slipping.

and, can i add, ross and i laughed at deaf people. at least, at their bibles. apart from clarifying that we meant no offense, i refuse to give details, as they might somehow mitigate our behaviour. suffice it to say, it doesn't much matter how we behave in bible bookstores, since everyone else knows about Jesus anyway. and since we only behave ourselves when witnessing is an issue, we're in the clear. phew.

kevin having been kind enough to drop kat and me off at home, i lay down for nap. logical. but it didn't work, despite the fact that i was - and am - exhausted, and i found myself working on my essay for an hour. then i came here, to the computer lab which is my second home. inspired by ross's avatars of his friends, kevin and i proceeded to play for an hour and a half.

so, this is me, kat, ross and kevin. for the record, the ross pic is kevin's creation, and he had every right to be wasting his time making avatars.

unlike myself.

if you're looking for the same kind of fun - and here i'm talking about the avatars, not mocking the deaf or perusing God-related books - go here.

hit me with your best shot!

fire away!

exclusive!

main entry: sac`ra`ment
function: noun
1 a : a Christian rite (as baptism or the eucharist)
that is believed to have been ordained by Christ
and that is held to be a means of divine grace
or to be a sign or symbol of a spiritual reality

i don't know if this falls in the category of ecclesiology or theology, but i've been thinking about communion a lot lately. here are some more (relevant) big words: consubstantiation, transubstantiation, and memorialism. weren't those fun?

---------------
a story:
rochelle and zach were sitting across the aisle from me yesterday when the servers began to pass out the communion elements. she's 8ish, he's 6ish. their mom was chasing after buzz, who is 4ish. i sat with them and realized i didn't know what to do. would it be ok with their mom if they took communion? i know both of the kiddies and they seem to engage sunday school lessons with a heart for understanding God. but it's still not my call, right? since they already had the wafers, i elected to explain the elements and let them decide. i later talked to their mom about it and it all turned out ok. but i was struck: when you're not a kid anymore, when your mom isn't there to make the call, who does?
---------------

while my opinion on the nature of communion itself is definitely under construction, i am beginning to lean toward a more-than-just-a-symbol view of the sacrament. even if that weren't the case, though - even if i firmly held that communion was merely symbolic - i'd still be faced with this question: "what is our role in preserving the significance and power of this sacrament?" the apostle paul teaches that i have a responsibility to treat communion seriously by never partaking unworthily.

but when it comes to what my church's role is, i'm realizing that it all comes down to stewardship: as a faith community, the higher your view of communion, the more you'll want to be careful about what you do with it. so, maybe it's ok - even important - for a church to be discerning about who partakes. (if you disagree, you'll probably supply "discriminating" where i wrote "discerning.")

i don't know where the line is, but there's an important distinction to be maintained between being open to newcomers (on the one hand) and being so seeker friendly that we bend over backward to avoid the appearance of exclusivity (on the other).

---------------
case study #1
sometimes when the tithe is taken up, someone will clarify that visitors shouldn't feel any pressure to give. i hope it's not just a matter of not wanting to offend: this is an appropriate clarification about commitment to a faith community. there are forms of worship which are expected of church members and regular attenders but were never meant to be extended to everyone in the building. tithing is one of them.

case study #2
before i was baptised, i went to several classes on the theology and history of the practice. i wrestled in prayer. and, as i stood in that tank before the congregation, david horsey asked me if i believed and trusted in the saving work of Christ on my behalf. all of that is entirely appropriate if baptism is to be taken seriously.
---------------

however, at a baptism, you don't often have people feeling left out if they don't get dunked. on the other hand, offense is a very real possibility when communion is a part of the service. but if partaking in communion isn't the same as singing or tithing or listening to a sermon or going to a bible study - if it's something more, as i'm beginning to believe - maybe we need to be more wary of offending God by how we treat it.

i'm not claiming that i know of a sensitive way of dealing with this, and i'm certainly nervous about requiring church membership or profession of faith before communion is permitted. but we absolutely need to decide, as individual churches, how we will deal with this issue. and, no matter what we decide, we need to be better teachers.

communion isn't for everyone. not because having an exclusive club is fun, but because we are de facto stewards of the sacraments. and all stewards are held to account.

"i sent an exclusive to every paper in town."
~lina lamont in "singin' in the rain"

the day counting paid off . . .

FIRSTLY: just when you thought we were running low on craaazy things to do online . . . here's one more: think about the 43 goals you have for your life, then post them here. it's amazing (how much time it takes/wastes)!!!! enjoy!

SECONDLY: i went bowling last night dressed in the most ridiculous get-up this side of junior high. (i was a pretty normal/boring dresser in high school.) picture this: black pants, a black-with-white-flowers balloon skirt that barely covers my butt (hence the black pants), a pink long-sleeve shirt under a bright blue tank-top, and a black-pink-bright-blue bandana. also, bowling shoes. 'twas a sight. and it reminded me of one reason why i love kat: she assumes i'm ok with crazy. i don't think she realizes she's pulling teeth. which makes me think that maybe she isn't.

THIRDLY: toronto awaits my arrival on the 14th of may.

FOURTHLY: it feels weird to have a post with no picture . . . but what goes with this?

FIFTHLY: i'm hungry.

SIXTHLY: healing is good. laughter helps, but so do tears: "when i hold love, beauty, life in my hands, i cry for joy. i cry, too, for fear of losing them. it's nice to have things worth crying over. tears aren't so bad."

SEVENTHLY: it's peter's birthday this week. it's also been a month since he last posted.

EIGHTLY: i post on south meadow's blog on saturdays. other wonderful people post on the other days. worth checking out their/our thoughts on lent.

NINTHLY: lark news has cracked the code of determining how evangelical you are!!! take the test now! (it also provided me with a pic to accompany this post!) btw, why isn't there an "e" in ninth?

TENTHLY: i got up a minute ago and, as i walked, realized i was limping. only i could get sore from a 2-hour bowl-a-thon.

ELEVENTHLY: i got up a minute ago to pick up a gift from faith! yay for new cds!

TWELFTHLY: try saying that ten times fast.

THIRTEENTHLY: i really prefer dentyne. but beggars, choosers, etc.

FOURTEENTHLY: i get to go to church tomorrow! i've wanted to do that for nine years, almost! of course, along the way, i have given in to that desire from time to time. tomorrow i succumb, again. there will be talking about God, there will be songs, there will be people i don't know, there will be childen i get to play with, there will be a young adult group i'm beginning to join, there will be dylan and naomi (prolly), and there will be steve. and i like all of those things. :)

FIFTEENTHLY: i've been hungry since well before FIFTHLY. i'll go do something about that now.

this just in!

i found a ring. well, sort of. i found out where it lives online. so, if you have an extra 200USD you want to give me . . . who are we kidding, i'd use the money to buy books. but if you went out and bought the ring for me, i wouldn't refuse it. after all, marriage isn't the only love-knot.

p.s. it's all about the celtic. i'm digging the trinity knot, too.

feathers

listen to my prayer, o God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. my thoughts trouble me and i am distraught . . . my heart is in anguish within me . . . fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.

i said, "oh, that i had the wings of a dove! i would fly away and be at rest- i would flee far away and stay in the desert; selah i would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."

if an enemy were insulting me, i could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, i could hide from him. but it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom i once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.
~psalm 55:1-8, 12-14

even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
~isaiah 40:30-32

after having heard it a thousand times, it is somehow truer in this moment than ever before.

mm-hmmm

michelle and i talked about doubt today. here are some things i don't doubt:
a) God is real.
b) all of who God is loves all of who i am.
c) if all of who i am loved all of who God is, that'd be cool.
d) i will get hurt this week.
e) i will hurt someone this week.
f) if i hurt fewer people, that'd be cool.
g) some people care about me.
h) i care about some people.
i) if i cared about some people more, that'd be cool. even without the guarantee that some people would care more about me.
j) if i cared about more people, that'd be cool. even without the guarantee that more people would care about me.

also, although it doesn't fall in the same category as the stuff above - which is not to say that i doubt it in the least - fil is wonderful. i recommend her highly.

assorted loves

A. ROMANCE
as part of our continuing pursuit of the official title of most single people on the planet - a goal we take very seriously indeed, i assure you! - my dear friend skoch and i decided to come up with lists of "significant other non-negotiables", to narrow the field as we each search for our soulmates or whatever.

now, skoch's list ain't online yet - i'd be surprised if he's written one down, actually, given how busy he's been with . . . stuff. in any case, i have busily been composing my lists. why the use of the plural, you ask? well, you see, there are various categories of criteria, perhaps more depending on what sort of geek you are. i'm a geek of the highest order, but i still only managed to compose four separate lists. here, then, are two of them:

negotiable:
1) knows the names of all the members of the seaver family, including the foster son
2) can sing any of the four "solos" in the monstar theme song from "space jam"
3) is giddy about greek
4) has read something by victor hugo or jane austen, and doesn't mind talking about it
5) knows pi to seven digits
6) buys flowers for his mom for "no special reason"
7) comes up with a story/joke/question to liven things up when conversations die
8) makes good sand castles
9) knows what the "cone of silence" is
10) regularly quotes: a) invader zim b) st:tng c) "adventures in odyssey"

non-negotiable:
1) knows what captain jean-luc picard's favourite beverage is (swoon if he enjoys it himself)
2) owns the soundtracks to at least five movies
3) plays with numbers for fun (double swoon if he does is without even noticing)
4) knows what the integral of 2(pi)r is, and why it's relevant
5) can rhyme with delicacy and creativity
6) has read "le petit prince" and loved it
7) picks movies to watch based on cast/director/producer/writer, and not plot
8) owns a t-shirt that he "made" himself
9) knows the next three books he plans to read
10) regularly quotes: a) scripture - but only if it's done humorously b) himself c) me

B. FRIENDSHIP
speaking of skoch, back in the fall he started a "band" called "divided". obviously, it's stellar. so, please listen to his stuff. he and josiah are amazing . . . and half the res is involved in their back-up vocals and instrumentation. btw, "joy" is my favourite song. "just a friend" is also super, even though it's pretty much a cover . . . with some uber-interesting edits.

lest you think skoch is the only friend i have (:P) i should mention: lately, my friends have been simply awesome. deniss is one of them. he listens to me and takes me for walks when i'm crying. janet is another one. she tells me when i hurt her and helps me love her better. friends are great.

C. FAMILY

'nuff said.

even now . . .

things like this are happening. will you pray?

what are others doing?

p.s. i have no doubt that my blog will get silly and trivial again soon. no worries.

make it go away or make it better . . .

so, maybe crying doesn't solve the problem . . . but sometimes compassionate prayer and weeping is all i have to offer. and that's ok. it may even be good.

yoink!

stole this from peter: check it out! highlight the section below to read my reaction:
i first saw this on peter's blog, and because he'd seen it at a youth pastor conference, i assumed it was supposed to be about God. "He's got the whole world" was prolly the first God-related song i ever learned, with "father abraham" as a close second. (confession #1: i didn't recognize kevin garnett. confession #2: i kept wondering how a Christian group got the cash to put something high-quality together.) SO, all that said, i loved the ad. it's clever and creative. more than that, though: because i was thinking about Jesus, i found it moving. when people get out of their cars and pile out of buses and run to him? dude. :) i liked it.

i long . . .

to be scared and yet to fight.
to learn to drive, to thrive, to strive.
to really write.
to be generous - invite, not bite.
to walk with my mom, sing with my sister, talk with my dad.
to collect sunsets, swingsets, butterfly nets, sunrises, surprises.
to ditch the disguises.
to read for pleasure and for pain, to play in the rain.
to chase horizons and kids and breezes.
to laugh with the twilight when it teases.
to pray and dance and swim . . . and all with Him.
to look out, and in, and everywhere.
to stay in touch, but not so much that i stop missing.
to be alone, to be silent, to be whole.
to set a goal.
to fail, to wail, to go slower than the slowest snail and so
to see what i had always hurried by before . . . but no more?
to rewind, unbind, and there find healing.
to know and trust - and not just nod - that nothing is impossible with God.

read skoch's blog

this. (minus the typos)

x2

i'll praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where i am
every tear i've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
i will praise You in this storm
~ casting crowns, "praise You in this storm"

sometimes i think God's hands must be getting full . . .

you know . . .

sometimes the only word that feels accurate starts with an f and rhymes with truck.

sometimes i feel like i should be screaming for God instead of crying alone. in a computer lab.

sometimes this stinks.

wise friend profile #1:

name: laura-fil brown

length of acquaintance: 2.67ish years; about 1.75ish years of really talking

location: lethbridge, alberta

telling quotes:
1: it's entirely unreasonable to expect people who aren't Jesus-followers to strive toward becoming more Christ-like (i.e. not sinning). i mean, how ludicrous would it be for me to expect my father (not artsy) to think and act more like an artist, despite the fact that he has not shown any desire to assume that as his identity? if, however, he had decided to become an artist but was not producing any work, visiting galleries, studying art history or reading about contemporary art theories and ideas...i think, based on a loving relationship, it would be totally appropriate for me to be like, "hey pops, what the cheese do you think you're doing?! you should really consider getting your act together!" except probably not phrased in exactly that manner. that would just be weird.

2: her royal majesty and i went to dinner at a beautiful italian cafe [coco pazzo] and ate absolutely marvelous meals and a marvelous desert and then [more marvelous!] the waitress came and told us that the couple who had been sitting at the table across from ours had paid for our meals. i do not kid you when i say i nearly cried. cuz i did. things like that make me glad to be human.

my conversion: (she knows this) two years ago-ish, thinking about conversing with fil inspired heart palpitations for me. simply had no clue how to communicate with her. not sure what happened then - assume supernatural (if not extra-terrestrial) intervention. today she is not only uber-dear to me, but my constant tutor in a wide range of good things: really loving people (no, really), really loving God (no, really), the difference between maturing and aging, what to be angry about and what to let slide. i get the impression, too, that she doesn't realize how wise she is. she's prolly not tutoring me on purpose, which works out well, since i couldn't afford to pay her anyway.

my conclusion: fil is wise. wisdom isn't cold and detached - it's passionate, reflective, delicate, strong, and beautiful. like fil.