three gifts

i eaves-read another person's book on the subway today and was inspired by this question: "what three values would you most want to instill in your children?"

the first one that sprang to mind was generosity. dr. mark greene's dying words to his daughter, rachel, were: "be generous. with your time. with your love. with your life... be generous, always."



i kind of want those to be my first words to my children.

curiosity: the world is a wonder, and when i catch myself less than in awe, i know i am in trouble. i don't want my children to be often in that kind of trouble.

integrity: even when it's all you've got, it can keep you warm at night.

what would you give?

tell me a story...

i love to hear. to close my eyes and imagine the people and crises and triumphs you describe. they needn't be new stories. i dream that reading won't always be a solitary enterprise. maybe that's why i so long to one day have children: they will make a storyteller of me. it's been a long time now since i realized that i could never marry a man who wouldn't read to me at night... or whisper bedtime stories in my ear in the dark stillness.

perhaps that is why the reader has completely overwhelmed me. surely it is not the only reason... but i feel i'm almost drowning in it all.

standing at a distance, from my comfortable seat, my heart shouted it out, plead with him: "you know what you must do! you know what is at stake! put yourself aside!"

but knowing right from wrong is rarely the difficulty: ethics can never grip us, mobilize us, paralyze us, so much as our fears and hurts do.

there is a moment in this movie when one touch, one smile, one infinitesimal drop of kindness might have made a tremendous difference. but it was withheld. because it was impossible. sometimes we find ourselves at the end of our compassion and love. there is only so far any one of us can go, and we are, perhaps, surprised to discover we are at that border. crossing over would be right - so virtuous, so noble, so good - but it is not within our strength. we are at the end of ourselves.

there is pain that goodwill cannot erase. our best hope is to love as fiercely and give as freely as we can - as we can - and learn to forgive ourselves for the rest.

"could you be just a little more jewish?"

that's how danny phrased it when he asked matt to live in the moment (studio 60 on the sunset strip). maybe i'm getting back to my ashkenazi roots.

standing on my tippy-toes in georgian bay, i propped nancy up. her shoulders leaned against mine as her legs floated toward the horizon. only the occasional wave interrupted her laughter. the gurgling was just as sweet, though.


it was the most fun i'd ever had with her. actually, it ranks pretty high on my list of recent joyful moments. and that's at least partly because i didn't extrapolate.

back when i was at camp, i'd enjoy every little bit of being around kids: the creativity it demanded, the humour, the spontaneity, the license to act silly. but a part of me always leaned forward. it sighed and said, "i can't wait 'til i can do this with my own kids."

in the water with nancy, i knew there were parallels to parenting. but, to be honest, i was too busy loving that moment to think past it. being right there was just so very good.

tonight i'm remembering other instances of being present: the last year has brought suds fights with alice, chats with kevin, pat's cat imitation, my first time helping doris and rosie, touching foreheads with mr. goto, breaking bad news to sandi, building furniture with mike. countless hugs and laughs that all meld together now but at the time were each worlds in themselves.

it's not that l'arche is magical, you know. i'm finding it easier to just be in other areas of my life, too. to open my eyes and heart and just let life show me. to experience meaning instead of trying to manufacture it.

to let my legs float toward the horizon as i lean back, trusting that i won't sink.

"a single moment in time can be a universe in itself, full of powerful forces. most people aren't aware enough of the now to even notice."
(st:insurrection)

quiet night in the library

she sits there all alone
she's reading from a chapter that she sometimes calls her own.
~ every little thing, hawk nelson

this song came on this morning while i was lying in bed. i thought it was unfair. grrr.

but life is good. and there seems to be less to blog about when that's the case. but i still feel a need to keep you updated. maybe something exciting will happen if someone comments on my posts. hmmm . . . yeah. :-) so, in sum: i am frustrated and very, very happy. :-D <-see??

edited to add: lunch in pygmy. kevin, ross, steve, and me. talking about luke/acts class.

ross: i think we have to enter the kingdom as a child, but we don't stay that way. like, we have to be humble and dependent to get in.

steve: but we always stay humble and dependent.

mara: so, as we grow, we don't grow into adults, but into Christlikeness.

kevin: notice how we talked in class about how the children and the outsiders get it but we never really talked about what it was?

(someone asks what the kids did that we should emulate...)

steve: they ran up to Jesus.

mara: oh, that's beautiful . . . oh.

kevin: you ok?

mara: yeah . . . that's just so beautiful.

what i love about today

it snowed.
it's mom and dad's birthday.
i did laundry.
i talked to mom about debating and the class i'm teaching.
i talked to dad about the state of federal liberal politics and tax exemptions.
i talked to corina about food and happiness and how much i have sucked over the years.
i talked to james about long hours and augustine and not wanting to talk to him.
postsecret was updated.
my busdriver teased me.
i went to church.
we sang a round.
caleb and rochelle showed up.
i called someone darling by mistake. (*gotta* watch that!)
God lives in me.
i went home and stayed there.
jen had an important conversation.
i stopped counting.
i ate avocadoes.
i napped.
i finished my exodus readings.
ross ranked me first.
i smiled.
i wrote.
i loved.
today.

newsflash: you can't have it all

i've babysat aidan for about twelve hours in the last twenty-six, and i can say this with confidence: working and having children at the same time is impossible. i couldn't give him the attention and energy he deserved because of the other things on my mind - papers, presentations, etc.

children deserve fidelity, just like spouses do.

ross and rachel

on any given day, i'm attaching value to the people, books, experiences, songs, ideas, and pygmy menu items i interact with. they are worth something to me. today, ross and michelle and i were talking about how you determine what something/someone is worth. ross said that, when it comes to buying things, he considers how many hours of work he has to put in to get it. if, in return for working a particular shift, his boss gave him a particular product instead of cash, would he be ok with that?

over lunch, some of us were talking about kids. steve joked that he and his wife will sit down, plan out their lives, and figure out which span of 18 years is most rational for child-rearing. i quipped, "hmm . . . i think i'm ok with completely surrendering my autonomy and agenda for these eighteen years!" i don't know much, but i'm confident that having children is never convenient. it is always always always a sacrifice.

during my reading of genesis just now, an old story struck me in a new way: jacob meets a beautiful woman - it's his cousin, but let's ignore that for the moment - and falls in love with her. his uncle says, "i'll hire you as a shepherd! name your wages!" jacob says, "let me work seven years in exchange for marrying rachel."

i get that there are things about this that should offend me: women being treated like chattel, etc. but, in light of the conversations i had earlier today, i wasn't offended. i was moved. the writer of genesis says that the seven years felt like only a few days to jacob.

oh, to be loved like that. and, what's more: to love like that.

a tender moment

if it isn't apparent from previous posts, let me state it here, in no uncertain terms: i simply love aidan, my 2-year-old friend. he's amazing, even when he's cranky. he always greets me with a smile, he loves wrestling, exploring, watching gravity at work, and talking about animals, trucks, and tractors. on saturday i babysat for ten hours, many of which he spent asleep. he hadn't had much of a nap that afternoon, so i kept things low-key: closed the blinds, kept my voice low, and watched the heffalump movie (which i adore). after i changed him into his sleeper, he stood in front of me as a i sat on the floor. he reached out and touched my hair, which he loves to play with. whenever i give him a ride on my shoulders, whether it be for a walk or so he can see over the fence, he always messes my hair up. well, this time, he reached out and touched my hair, and said . . .

"eew, yuck!"

there are no words . . . only giggles.

i wish i could speak elvish

i spent 11 hours babysitting yesterday . . . among the best 11 hours i've ever had.

it all started at noon: we went to the park and played on the slide (fun) and the swings (not so fun) and ran around the field. then off we went to subway (gotta have my sweet onion chicken teriyaki once in a while!)* which was very likely the hottest building on the planet. well, maybe not. it occured to me to call on michelle, so - with a little help from 411 - i phoned her and invited myself over.

amazing discovery of the week: when you call 411 from a cellphone, they text message you the number! how cool is that?!?!

anyway, we went to michelle's. i hadn't seen her since angie's wedding in november, so it was wonderful to catch up on things. the basement where angie and i had lived looks SO different. wow. kids toys are all over the place . . . ok, not so different. :) we hung out for a while - i was so curious to see how aidan was with other kids. the answer, by the way, is that he mostly ignores them. we got back to the house around 3 and aidan went down for a 2.5 hour nap. then we played a bit around the house while we waited for our dinner to arrive from the kitchen of our nearby dominos. after eating the pineapple off his hawaiian pizza, aidan was done.

we went to the park again and played some more. then, around 7:30, we headed back to the house. after a little playing, changing into his sleeper, and hearing his bedtime music twice, aidan fell asleep around 8:15.

his parents got home at 10:45, so i had plenty of time to wonder why sarah and grissom haven't gotten it together yet, and remember that while john cusack may play hit-and-miss as far as movie choices are concerned (both "america's sweethearts" and "serendipity" were on yesterday), his cuteness makes his audience inevitably forgiving.

important lessons like those don't come every day, ladies and gentlement. cherish them.

oh, also. finished watching "fellowship of the ring" this morning, proceeded to watch "two towers". it's been a busy day.

"my move"

none to speak of. i spent the morning having revelations about God's love, biking, and then went to babysit for the evening. fell asleep to lotr, which i'm trying desperately to get through.

can i just say this, though? i love long-distance calls. mom and dad called, and ioana, corina (though i missed her call), and neelix. locally, amanda and courtney and alex called me. the latter of which turned into a really long and wonderful conversation. i felt loved. i felt loving. what more can a girl ask?

you know, jon strutt may be right (shudder): i am blessed & highly favoured.

have i ever mentioned . . .

my personal trainer? oh, he's a miracle worker! i've been meeting with him for a while and he's always so encouraging and energetic. he always cheers me on, "come on, mara!" and he changes things up from time to time: "marching!!! . . . running!!!" weights, laps, steps, even dancing . . . he's right there taking me to the next level.

he's been in the business just over two years, but you'd think he's been at it his whole life! i love that he always welcomes me with a little smile. he makes even the toughest workout fun! i think he notices when i get tired, but he pushes on until he knows i've done all i can.

by then it's usually supper time so i put him in his high chair and try to trick him into eating everything on his plate. last week we watched the heffalump movie together, and then practiced our elephant faces. yes, indeed. i love my trainer. after all, it's not often you get paid to work out.

never know why

i had the most amazing day yesterday, and i don't know why.

i was got up late and forgot my lunch . . .
i took a box of toys over to the office from the angel tag tree at sobey's . . .
i got to the office to find two yummy Christmas presents on my desk . . .
i chatted with nim - that NEVER happens. it was so nice for a change!!!
lara showed up to work so she drove me to the warehouse . . .
i helped katheryn give out adopt-a-family hampers all day . . .
i found hamper #1395!!!!! me!!!!
i registered people for two hours . . .
i called cabs . . .
i talked to kids . . . and even stuck my tongue out!
i tried to talk brendan into coming to carolling that evening . . .
i went to carolling . . . and sang!
i put people's shoes by the fire while they skated . . .
i spent time on a tire swing . . .
i drank hot chocolate . . .
i drove home with peter and we actually, you know, spoke . . .
i held his wendy's . . .
i gave him his Christmas present . . .
i got home at 11:30 or so . . .

good day. just goooood.

a sunday afternoon

so, we left youth councils at 2:30ish on sunday and got to tuscany around 4. we dumped our stuff off and i threw janna in the air and she grabbed my glasses. good stuff.

we got to the place where we do the kids club at around 4:45. everyone's nerves were shot. marren and sean were frustrated with each other. blargh.

so the group of us working on the kids club split up the kids and jumped into three vehicles and hit the streets. we were just dropping by to meet parents, say hi to the kids and remind them to come back this week. stuff like that. second house my car went to wasn't one of my kids, but the woman who leads the group wanted me to come with her. jessica (the girl we were visiting) looks like she might have down's or something like it, but there's no noticeable mental disability when you talk to her. anyway, her leader (jessi) wanted me to go with her just in case. jessica's sister opens the door, we tell her who we are and jessica comes to the door in her hallowe'en costume. as soon as she sees jessi, she just grabs her.

jessi goes over the info with jessica hugging her. then jessica lets go and moves on to me. jessica starts listing games we should play this week at kids club. her older sister (14ish, i think) interrupts not to take attention away from jessica, but to get some for herself. by the time we finish, jessi and i walk away going, "there needs to be something for teenagers in forest lawn"

so many interesting things happened. parents who were surprised to see us and couldn't believe we'd dropped by just to remind the kids to come back. kids calling their friends and inviting them to come to kids club - while angie was standing at the door! really neat stuff.

we finally finished up and headed over to forest lawn for dinner. their last bbq. when our carload got there, marren and angie had already been there for a while and marren said she'd arranged a ride home for us. angie added that she'd had to give her testimony as compensation. so she had already spoken about her experience this weekend.

i grab my dinner and go sit with one of the youth leaders who had been at yc . . . we chatted a bit and, when i got up to get watermelon or something i got caught. by mrs. b - the corps officer.

so, ten minutes later i gave my testimony . . . i didn't really want to, 'cause some of them had already hear it and i don't like giving the same "sermon" more than once. so God changed it a little.

i spoke about God's eagerness to engage with us; about how easy it is to find Him when we seek Him with all we have. and how He's just *waiting* to bless us. and He only has to wait because we choose to wait for "worship time" . . . . and then i gave a bit of my testimony.

the gist of it what this: God is screaming "I love you!!!!" through nature, through His word, through everything. live a life that's all about saying 'i love you, too!'