feast of elexmas

get out your golf pencils, folks, and make room on your lawns! there's an election on the way!

i think jack layton can be inarticulate and silly, but i still vote ndp because i agree with most of their policies: lower tuition, combat global poverty, build schools and hospitals. oh, and do something nice for the environment. i'd rather a leader who was inarticulate about great things than a leader who eloquently defended tax breaks and "an end to cronyism." also, i was born and raised leftist. can't argue with that!

jack layton's wife and toronto city councillor olivia chow, is taking another run at trinity-spadina. last i heard, tony ianno needs to go. after thirteen years in parliament, wouldn't you need a break? so, if you live there (which is unlikely), vote chow. with university being in session for this election, the 18-24 crowd might tip the scales toward ndp. yaaaay! because one seat in parliament can change the world!

also, because this isn't just about the liberals, check out rick mercer's take on stephen harper's approach to campaigning. note: not rated pg!

henri bourassa: to govern is to have the courage, at a given moment, to risk defeat in order to maintain a principle.
wilfred laurier (then prime minister): ah my dear young friend, you have not a practical mind.
a few days later, bourassa announced his resignation from the liberal party.

feast of doubt

we just hit the "doubting thomas" passage in my john class this morning. what does it mean to not see and yet believe? what is the basis of belief? fun questions for an 8:15 class. anyway, i check my email and get this from demotivators. beautiful irony.

feast of love

this has been clanging around in my head for some time . . . it's finally making it on here.

i don't know what to do to ease your mind
i don't have the perfect word to make it fine
i'm not so qualified for sympathy
still i am not without love

psalm number four falls on your grieving ear
yes, i believe the peace of Christ is near
and i am here in His Name
you'd do the same, you'd do the same...

if you'll let me close
closer than a brother
if you'll let me love you
we'll sit here and cry

~smalltown poets

sign #7 - you have to say that

rev and i were talking after church on sunday and he was attacking some of the less-than-inspired rules at rocky. this was both entertaining and welcome: i've always enjoyed arguing, particularly about things that matter to me.

i was passionately [roll your eyes now] defending some policies and steve said, almost apologetically, "well, i know you're the residence manager, so you have to say that." i felt the strong implication that he didn't want to put me in a position to defend things i didn't really agree with, which is considerate :) (steve, feel free to clarify your intentions, if you must!) i said, "well, i actually believe this, or i wouldn't have taken the job."

i've been thinking since. wouldn't it be sad if the only reason i defended things was that i felt i had to, as an extension of my role? shouldn't we take on jobs and roles we believe in? we wouldn't have to work up the *whatever-it-takes* to toe the line; it would just come naturally because we own it.

yeah, there are always times when you have to submit to authority and follow your supervisor's direction on something, even though you may disagree. but at times like that, i remember that my value system includes respect for and submission to superiors, and sometimes that value has to trump my personal opinion.

anyway, at the end of the day, i don't think you can sell anything until you've bought in.

so, to clear the air: "remember, i'm not just the manager of res @ rocky, i'm also a client."

sign #6 - office hours

i have cried on four distinct occasions in the last 48 hours. (btw, every time, i've had someone there who supported me through it . . . such a blessing.) sometimes there's so much going on inside, and life has to go on: papers, presentations, work, friendships . . . ob-la-di, ob-la-da, and all that. it seems so silly!

one of the tough issues in my life is leadership. my mom and i chatted about this over the weekend, and my boss and i discussed it again. to lead . . .

transitive senses:
1 a : to guide on a way especially by going in advance b : to direct on a course or in a direction c : to serve as a channel for

strange how that doesn't help much - though, to be honest, more than i expected. when zed was my program director at camp, he said that i tend to pause before i do things. i seem to ask myself, "can i really do this?" and, at camp at least, i would normally dive in. but the pause - the deep breath - was still there. lately, i've been living in the pause. how do i get past that?

a group of brass players have been kind enough to enfold me into their little ensemble for some carolling-type activities. this excites me beyond measure. i still have the ticket from the last concert i played in - may 2000 - and i miss it muchly. plus, brass quartet - how cool is that?

playing my euphonium yesterday, i realized that i need to find myself again. on monday i told someone that i couldn't write poetry . . . and then mentioned that i'd won a prize for a remembrance day poem i wrote 13 years ago. he said, "so why are you saying you can't write poetry?" as if our chronological distance from that event had no impact on my skills. maybe it doesn't. maybe i need to remember who i used to be, the things i loved - math, music, writing, thinking - and make time for them.

sign #5 - opened up my eyes

totally have "the sign" by ace of base stuck in my head. that was half a lifetime ago, when i was a wee 12-year-old in grade 7! and "all that she wants" brings back some awesome memories, too. djs, streamers, amazing lighting, and that sinking feeling at the end of junior high dances. anyone with me?

i got a new life
you would hardly recognize me
i'm so glad
how can a person like me care for you?
why do i bother
when you're not the one for me?
oo-oo oo oo-oo
is enough, enough?

i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
i saw the sign
life is demanding without understanding
i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
i saw the sign
no one's gonna drag you up
to get into the light where you belong
but where do you belong?

p.s. please, don't read into this!

sign #4 - must be funny, in a rich man's world

oh, money. how you taunt me. maybe i'll do this:

sign #3 - oh, family

i talked to my mom for an hour yesterday, and solicited my parents' advice last week, too. corina is supposed to call me today, and i'm writing a paper on a guy she introduced me to three years ago (savonarola). i'm waiting on a reply from ioana, but we're both lousy about keeping in touch.

i love my daddy.
i love my mommy.
i love my sissies.

in my heart, it's officially that sentimental time of year. i know, i know, that could refer to any time, but i'm actually talking about christmas.

sign #2 - take 3

i was thinking about how sometimes my life works in cycles: two years ago i felt like i was re-experiencing my life from two years before that. today i was wondering if that'll happen again. two year cycles, man. they're nuts.

then i read this on trevor's blog. coincidence?? i think not. so, i'm reflecting now, too.

10 years ago:
- i was in my last year of junior high
- my closest friends were valeria, monica, natalie, and dhruv
- i met g. mango, a self-proclaimed "jesus freak" and informed her that i was "not religious"
- i was about to start liking won, who would become my first boyfriend
- i was taking grade 10 math with the best math school ever!
- i loved the euphonium
- i cried a lot
- i watched "friends" obsessively
- i wore baby t-shirts and overalls

5 years ago:
- i was in my first year of university
- my closest friends at school were melanie and julianna
- i hated economics and loved calculus
- i liked eating dinner in an academic gown
- i cried less
- i had begun competitively debating

1 year ago:
- i was in my first year at rocky
- i realized i was pretty liberal for a bible college in alberta
- i was a month into a new job, which is . . . scary
- i had very little hair
- i didn't really have close friends at school, but nav and fil and i were getting closer
- my church didn't have pastors, and i really wanted a chance to preach

1 day ago:
- i went to class at 8:17 and thought about islam
- i had a meeting with my department and thought about being single (*this* is why, g.mango! couples surround me!)
- i slept most of the day and thought about avoiding all-nighters in the future
- i talked to both lysa and danielle and thought about my job
- i went to class at 6:31 and thought about wisdom
- i cleaned my apartment, watched "the manchurian candidate", and thought about conspiracies
- i talked to steve on the phone, and thought about God

sign #1 - deja blog

so, cheniese quoted jars of clay while listening to johnny cash . . . it was too crazy a coincidence not to mention. been thinking about "worlds apart" while listening to "hurt" and "bridge over troubled water" . . . which prolly makes me sound depressed. but i'm not depressed. i'm pensive. anyway, here are some lyrics to make you ponder and . . . pense?

---

from "worlds apart" by jars of clay:

it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
...
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
...
take my world apart, take my world apart
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart


there was a time in my life, not so long ago, when this song was all that i could pray . . . and so few people around me knew it. there was a battle inside that, looking back, could have ended very differently were it not for grace. were it not for my conviction that God was better than anything i could conjure up on my own.

---

from "hurt" - johnny cash's cover of nine inch nails:

what have i become,
my sweetest friend?
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all:
my empire of dirt,
i will let you down,
i will make you hurt.

i don't cut. i don't do drugs. but, then again, self-destructive behaviour doesn't have to be physical to devastate.

---

from "bridge over troubled water", which has been covered by so many people that i don't know who wrote it:

when you're weary, feeling small,
when tears are in your eyes, i will dry them all;
i'm on your side,
when times get rough
and friends just can't be found,
like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down.
like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down.

the rest of the song is great, too . . . but two friends of mine, and Jesus, both lived this for me last week. i love them so. all three of them.

i am getting the message

patience is the word of the week. seriously. leslie wrote about it, quoting "charlotte's web". it came up in psalms & wisdom class last night. and, most significantly, it's something i need to learn right now.

in that class, by the way, we were asked to invent proverbs about patience. i haven't quite finished tweaking the wording yet, but here's one i'm trying to work out:

blessed is he who lives by patience, for hope will always keep him company. but pity the man who lives by impatience, for he resents the wait and cannot cherish his object once he receives it.

i am overwhelmed

sigh.

the beauty of the writing on "star trek: the next generation" never ceases to amaze me. i mean, yeah, it was hit-and-miss. but the hits were so good! take this gem: in the series finale q is once again putting humanity on trial. after successfully saving humanity, picard hopes that he will never find himself in that courtroom again.

q: you just don't get it, do you, jean-luc? the trial never ends. we wanted to see if you had the ability to expand your mind and your horizons ... and for one brief moment you did.
picard: when i realized the paradox.
q: exactly. for that one fraction of a second, you were open to options you had never considered. that is the exploration that awaits you: not mapping stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possibilities of existence.

sometimes ideas are so beautiful they make me want to cry. is that ok?

p.s.i found a wonderful parody of this, my fav episode of st:tng. enjoy! it only makes sense if you've seen the ep, or read the script.

i am overthinking . . . but less than before

so, i've decided to relax, and let things happen. i mean, i'll do what i need to do, but there's really no point in stressing over little things. or even over big things in which i have little say or control. so, that's my policy for the day.

yesterday, i drank earl grey tea for what i think was the second time in my life. it was in the context of a "london fog" which, for the record, is yummy. of course, i ended up thinking about star trek throughout the day ("tea, earl grey, hot!") and, when i woke up at 1:30am and couldn't sleep, threw "all good things" (the last episode of tng) on. it made me happy and, more importantly (at least at the time) made me sleep.

i am thinking

sometimes i think in my head.
sometimes i think in my journal.
sometimes i think on my blog.
sometimes i think on here.

i am a thief

when someone tells you they love you, it should never be a surprise. you should have assumed as much long before they work up the whatever it takes to tell you.
~fil

sayin' "i love you"
is not the words i want to hear from you
it's not that i want you
not to say it, but if you only knew
how easy it would be to show me how you feel
more than words is all you have to do to make it real
then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'cause i'd already know
~extreme, "more than words"

"dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
~1 john 3:18

i am famous

check out page 4

i am blessed

today deniss made me aware of how blessed i am. in separate conversations with him last year i articulated two wishes:

the first was that i wanted to be more compassionate. if you've read the posts below, you know that this one's definitely in the works! God is good, and He's teaching me so much about love and friendship right now.

the other wish is a bit too personal to divulge online, but, basically, i wished for a situation which is now happening, and which is causing me stress. which goes to show you that a) you should be careful what you wish for, and b) mara is never satisfied. although, to be fair, i did say, "i wish X . . . although that would probably be hard to deal with." so, i knew it would be complicated. and it is.

in other news, i'm going to listen to this song at least five times this evening. this is just an excerpt.

run to the water
and find me there
burnt to the core but not broken
we'll cut through the madness
of these streets below the moon
with a nuclear fire of love in our hearts
rest easy baby, rest easy
and recognize it all as light and rainbows
smashed to smithereens and be happy
run to the water (and find me there)
run to the water

~live

k&m-'pa-sh&n...

is something i usually have to work up. i struggle, 'cause i can't get inside the head and heart of someone else very easily.

but there's hurt, you know?

people i know are hurting.

eating disorders.

self-injury.

abandonment.

self-hate.

fear.

i just want to throw up, and cry, and punch something.

all at once.

these hurts have taken on new meaning for me as i've realized how many people around me carry around pain and shame and stuff i've never experienced. sometimes, even though you haven't been through the same experience, you can relate to the struggle. not so here. see, it's not just that the plotline of their lives is vastly different from my own, although that's true. it's that their internal stories are different.

love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." this i can handle. but right now, it's hard to look at life and see how "love never fails" isn't b.s.

oh

i wish my tears could cure. i would cry on your wounds.

i wish my kisses could heal. i would kiss your scars.

i wish my love could mend what hate and fear have done.

how can love be so big that it seems to stretch me to the point of bursting - as if it wants to rush out, overflowing - yet be too small to even soothe - let alone alleviate - pain?

i'm so small.

ode to fil

fil's latest post reminded me - once again - how much i miss her.

"refreshingly heretical"

i was described thus in greek class today. it's ok, though, because some foreign guy said it.

i thought it was funny, particularly because it was inspired by my translation of part of colossians 1:16. the nasb has it as "for by him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible," while i said, "for by him all things were created in the heavens and on the earth, the visibles and the invisibles". i like making words up.

well, maybe what actually prompted my dear friend to threaten me with burning at the stake was my confussion as to the meaning of the anarthrous "eikon" in verse 15 - a favourite of jehovah's witnesses. meh. this is my thing: challenge scripture all you want. if it's true, it'll survive your critical examination. so far, so good.

also, fyi: being wrong about something doesn't make you a heretic. i would have to be one who dissents from an accepted belief or doctrine. which i'm not. though, you know, try me tomorrow.

:D

it's a sign

i started signing again yesterday. not singing, although i had to do that, too. see, the two songs i love signing most as my wake-up songs are on cds i lost at camp. i was at camp for nine days altogether and lost two cds. [tear]

so i sang. but that isn't the point. the point is, i'm signing again. the reason i needed to this morning was that i tend to wake up thinking about something i want that isn't God. and i think it's cool to want things other than God, but i really think He should be what i want most. 'cause i realized this week that unless God is my first love, there can be no second love.

so i signed this:

i could live life alone
and never fill the longings of my heart
the healing warmth of someone's arms
and i could live without dreams
and never know the thrill of what could be
with every star so far and out of reach
i could live without many things
and i could carry on, but...

i couldn't face my life tomorrow
without Your hope in my heart, i know
i can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all i do
i can't live a day without You

i could travel the world
see all the wonders beautiful and new
they'd only make me think of You
and i could have all life offers
riches that were far beyond compare
to grant my every wish without a care
oh, i could do anything,
but if You weren't in it all...

i couldn't face my life tomorrow
without Your hope in my heart, i know
i can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all i do
i can't live a day without You

oh, Jesus, i live because You live
You're like the air i breathe
oh, Jesus, i have because You give
You're everything to me

hey, g. mango, i first heard this at lpc. 'member? craziness.