i am. thirty.

i was born.
a girl.
a daughter.
a granddaughter.
a niece.
a sister.

i started becoming.
a reader.
a rememberer.
an immigrant.
an advocate.
a friend.

some things you made me.
a sister-in-law.
an auntie-to-be.
a girlfriend.
a forgiver.
a better friend.

some things i made myself.
a researcher.
a writer.
a leader.
a follower.
my own friend.

some things i am still becoming.
a law student.
a cook and baker.
a discerner.
a jogger.
a listener.

some things i dream of yet becoming.
a defender.
a treeclimber.
a runner.
a mother.
a whole.

i am thirty.
and i'm becoming more.

the hot team - part i

this week, i have logged 235 minutes of exercise: 60 minutes of advanced step, 20 minutes of jane fonda, 20 minutes of taebo, 45 minutes of body sculpt, 45 minutes of beginner step, and 45 minutes of kickboxing (which i just tried for the first time today!).

so.

a friend of mine playfully alluded to my initiation onto "the hot team," and asked me, "where do you get your motivation?" this isn't an easy question. i mean, i'm a fairly lazy person and, like most people, i run on inertia. there are days and weeks when working out is the bane of my existence. but i've learned that it really is easier to be on your game than to try to catch up when you've fallen behind. to my mind, this is the realization that opens the door to self-discipline in all areas of my life, particularly in academics, relationships, and health. rather than cutting corners, thinking that it's ok to cheat a little, i need to realize that those cheats add up: in all-night writing/cramming sessions, in blow-ups or loneliness because we haven't communicated along the way, in scale-induced guilt, indigestion, or premature exhaustion during a demanding workout. molehills can clump up into mountains if you neglect them too long. take the more expedient route: do it now.

a second crucial realization came in the classroom. i prepare students for a standardized test that i don't administer or set the parameters for. unfortunately, when i finish up the content portion of class early, my students usually take off. they choose not to take advantage of the ten or twenty or even thirty minutes we have left by asking questions or going over homework. they behave as if their potential for growth and test's difficulty are both limited by my agenda for our session. but they're not. there's a gap between where my students are and where they need to be to succeed, and taking full advantage of their resources is the best way for my students to close that gap.

so, that's where i get my motivation: knowing that it's easier to do it now - even if it feels harder - and that i have tools at my disposal to help me. some of them are obvious: a fabulous instructor at my gym, friends who also work out there, sparkpeople.com (where i track my food and exercise religiously and learn more about healthy living), and parents who are also trying to get healthier right now. some are more subtle, but just as essential: how strong i feel when i'm practicing roundhouse kicks and uppercuts, how amazing home-roasted red peppers taste, how affordable produce is, and how much happier i am when i'm hydrated. those things all motivate me. and they're not all.

"we will have these moments to remember..."

in my defense

first off, thanks to all those who voted for my juicy watermelon cupcakes! while my entry received the most votes, that only got me as far as the random draw, which i did not win. the winner's cardamom and pistachio cupcakes look amazing, however, and she's a victoria girl living in vancouver!

second off, i've been thinking about gym class.

it seems to me that there are a few things this respite from the drudgery of coursework slash kafkaesque nightmare is supposed to accomplish. playing sports teaches you team work and organization. it improves your coordination and cardiovascular health. it trains you to be an accomplished enough liar to convince your classmates that you wanted to be picked last and your teacher that you just menstruate really damn often. how else will younguns develop perseverance, strategy, and the strength to survive public humiliation?

when i was in junior high school, once a year a self-defense instructor would come and work with all the gym classes. i remember that this was the only time during the year when i woke up every morning in pain. i wasn't accustomed to using my muscles. indeed, most of gym class was about cardiovascular work. when we did runs, my lungs hurt and i thought my heart would explode, but my legs were all "aw, come ON! we can do better than this!" my muscles weren't challenged at all - except during those two weeks per year.

being active is so important. and it's fun! and in high school i often found myself wishing that phys.ed. was still mandatory. but i can't help feeling that there was something wrong with the way it was taught. weight training is something you can only really start transitioning into in your mid-teens, but i wish my gym teachers had said to me, "it's not just about how many times you can skip in a minute. it's not just about how far you can hit a baseball (if you manage to hit it). it's about being at home in your body and using it well."

i wish i had been taught to be strong, and not just told that i wasn't fast enough.

joy! joy! joy!

after a long wait, good news at last: i've received acceptances from five law schools so far, two of them in the top tier!

when i opened the first exciting envelope (the fourth envelope of the five), i blinked. it starts with "congratulations"... does it go on to say "no, thanks"? it didn't! looks like i'll be a law student after all! look out world!

as i told my parents, drank champagne, made my phone calls, sent text messages, and eagerly awaited a skype conversation, i felt a little like jane bennet.

it's been over a year now of preparing and writing and rewriting and rewriting and hoping and receiving devastating news and crying and regrouping... and finding so much love and support and faith around me. my family, my friends, my professors and employers who wrote recommendations for me... they shared in my low times with me and pushed me to keep at it. i am so happy to be able to bring you all joy by sharing my very good news.

i can't even begin to express how grateful i am.

nesting

everyone else seemed to be moving, so i've found myself a new home as well. i'd been at the other address since october 2003, but there were anonymity issues there. also this week, my hotmail address was hacked and i considered closing down the account i'd had since 2000.

it's strange how i cling to old homes, but also how quickly i nest in new ones. as i mentioned in my previous post, i recently applied to a law school in the states. even though i knew very little about it a month ago, i'm already getting attached.

sigh.

anyway, how do you like the new wallpaper?

applique

update: i've applied to a law school in the states under early decision and am holding off on further applications until i hear back from them, which should be by the end of the month. that way i don't invest money in applications that may be irrelevant come october 1st.

it's a little weird to be in this breathing space. but i'm learning to just enjoy it while it lasts.

self-helpless?

so, in the course of reading a motivational article on sparkpeople.com, i came across this tip for when you're feeling discouraged by your lack of progress:

"Activate your imagination with the Miracle Question.
The Miracle Question is a great way to help yourself focus on solutions. Imagine that tonight while you’re sleeping, a miracle is going to happen that will completely solve the problem you are struggling with, once and for all. How will you know, when you wake up, that the miracle has happened and the problem is solved? What will be different for you — how will you think, act, or feel differently once the problem has been solved? What will be different about the day ahead of you? Are these questions already helping you think or feel differently now, at least a little bit? How can you make this happen more often?"

this is a little bit silly.

my mom once said, "problems that can be solved with money aren't really problems." she wasn't being flippant, and she's not ignorant... but she's also not entirely right. still, i like the idea of imagining what life would be like without the problem. sometimes that motivates you to do what needs to be done, sometimes it helps you break up the big problem into its bite-sized, easier to tackle parts... and sometimes it makes you realize that you've misidentified the problem.

if i won the lottery (without playing?), i could pay off my student loans and other debt. and i could afford to just volunteer at cool places this year. but it wouldn't magically parachute me into a good law school. it would just make life easier once i got there by the sweat of my brow.

if i do get into a good law school, that won't magically make me in the physical shape i want to be.

if i got into shape, it wouldn't magically solve my financial problems.

it's helpful for me to realize that life is a little bit like playing whack-a-mole. there's always something new popping up. and laying in bed at night, hopeful that one particular problem will be resolved and anticipating the next opportunity to show creativity and integrity and grit... well that can help, too.

2421 sunrises and sunsets

welcome to my 500th post! this milestone will be commemorated with a nod to the main genres of blogpost we have seen here at "can you hear the sound of laughter..."

the mundane (yet somehow bizarre):
i was just stung by a bee in my basement. at just after midnight. while i was trying to iron my shirt. on my left ring toe. no - i wasn't trying to iron my shirt on my toe... that's just where the bee stung me. this probably means i'm in for a feverish dream.

the momentous:
today i graduate for the fourth time in my life, and officially add the letters "m.a." to the end of my name - instead of just the beginning. there's an awful lot of hard work buried in those two little letters! finishing things is so good!

the miraculous:
michelle and idris are joining my parents in the audience at the convocation ceremony, and all four of them are making significant sacrifices to be there. i am loved, and i know it.

the mmmm:
there will be caramel crunch cake and champagne when we come home tonight! yum and sigh.

the musing:
what's next?

:)

from way across the ocean, my little sissy asked me why i was smiling. in response, i offer this partial list of my reasons for glee:

- haircuts
- sushi
- defenses and convocations
- job postings and auditions
- pub trivia successes
- a mom who takes care of me when i sacrifice part of my finger to the mandolin* gods
- a boyfriend who listens and is teaching me when to stop talking
- friends who have big! changes! going on in their lives
- the impending return of little sissy and her husband!
- seeing nyc for the first time soon
- big sissy's wedding in june!
- cats
- diet coke
- phone calls with michelle
- apples and peanut butter
- a pink sweater
- dibs

oooh... dibs! see ya!

* the vegetable slicer, not the musical instrument

amendments

oh, right! you're probably thinking that i just underwent the longest thesis defense of all time! in actuality, it only lasted two hours or so and my thesis was accepted with minor revisions!

it's been nearly a week now, and i've done the bulk of those revisions, most of which were additional footnotes and teeny typos. (it turns out there are no such things as "god mines.") i have a little more to do at the library tomorrow morning, and then i'll be done!!!

hurrah!

getting defensive

this morning - in just two minutes or so, in fact - i'm off to hamilton to see a committee about a degree. yes, today is my thesis defense.

as i look back on the last year and a half, it's hard not to regret the things i could have done better. still, it's amazing how something has come of nothing, how ore has turned to valuable metal, and how new stories are being heard because i once idly wondered how vietnam war draft dodgers were received by canadian churches.

it's a good day.

thesised!

my thesis was due yesterday... and i submitted it on friday! woo-hoo! i've already found things to correct, but i'm ok with that.

here's my foreword, in case any of you find that sort of thing interesting :-)

In the weeks before the first draft of this thesis was submitted, a senior Canadian diplomat, formerly assigned to Afghanistan, made some startling allegations. Robert Colvin claimed that in 2006 and 2007 he had tried to inform his government that suspects apprehended by Canadian forces and handed over to Afghani authorities were likely being tortured. These allegations spurred a political circus, a parsing of memos sent by Colvin to his superiors, and denials by high-ranking generals. In the face of their own potential complicity in the torture of Afghani citizens, Canadians responded in a variety of ways. On 30 November 2009, one letter to the editor of the Globe and Mail implied that the quotidian lives of Canadians had nothing to do with those of Taliban collaborators. “What a non-issue,” wrote Gordon Friedrich.

Here, forty years later, was a descendant of so many men and women I had encountered in the pages of the United Church Observer and The Canadian Mennonite. While the academic stakes of this project are described in its formal introduction, the ideology implicit in that Globe letter compels me to reflect on the practical impact of my work.

The Vietnam War invited all Canadians to consider the degree to which their seemingly innocuous actions constituted complicity in the assault of vulnerable people. One need not be a Christian to grasp that our common human experience binds us to one another. Even apart from that fundamental spiritual kinship, however, we now have extraordinary grounds for leading lives defined by extraordinary compassion. We live in a complex eco-political network, and our interconnectedness refuses to be dismissed as the figment of a sentimental imagination; it is an undeniable reality, documented by copious paper-trails.

As voters, as tax-payers, as inventors and proliferators of goods and ideas, and as consumers, our decisions cause not ripples but tidal waves throughout the world and, for the first time, we can track them. The advent of modern telecommunications has given us access to an unprecedented volume of information about one another, at an unprecedented speed. None of us can lay claim to innocence on the grounds that we are ignorant: more than at any other time in the history of our species, we in the developed world are equipped to understand the suffering of others and our complicity therein. As a result, the very definition of “neighbour” has dramatically changed.

By documenting the moral crises Canadians underwent during the Vietnam War, I hope to move the discussion forward, so that as we redefine “neighbour,” we may also redefine our politics.

hodgepodge

as a result of a solar conspiracy of unprecedented proportions, it looked like it was fifteen degrees outside today! it was somehow easier to put up with the crazy wind and the minus five because... well, isn't blue the best colour for a sky? i asks ya!

i submitted a draft of my thesis last night and, though it wasn't everything i'd hoped it would be, i'm reasonably happy with its progress. it'll be super by the end of the month, and i look forward to defending it in march. i even have shoes to wear for the defense! :-D

it's been a while since i've talked about my cooking adventures, and there have been two notable ones: first, i made clementine cookies that pretty much rocked my world. they were based on sydney's lemon sugar cookies and made the entire kitchen smell like satsuma. these will certainly be repeated! the same week, i baked some berry muffins with oatmeal, cherry yogurt, and orange juice in them. while they tasted like a good morning, the blackberries were a little seedy and made some bites a little awkward. i think i'll stick with bluebreeze and raspbreeze in the future.

in other news, i'm seriously considering playing the euphonium once in a while. when no one is at home, bien sur.

finally, do yourself a favour: cook up some minced pork, rent the bill murray classic, and make your groundhog day a special one. i know i will!

by contrast...

... i don't always have a lot of faith in myself. it's not my abilities (in the abstract sense) that i question, but my trustworthiness with deadlines. i don't know if it's laziness or fear or sheer overwhelmedness... probably a combination of all three.

someone - maybe dr. phil - said that just as you stop trusting people when they keep failing you, you also lose trust in yourself if you keep making promises you don't keep. i'm very bad at being disciplined. i shouldn't even be blogging right now.

but, come hell or high water, my first complete draft is due in ten days. i always say things will get done on time "because they have to." but, really, *i* should get them done because *i* have to. this isn't my thesis' responsibility, but mine. and it's a really daunting responsibility, in terms of its scope and volume and significance.

i'm at the 36,000 word mark.
i know all things are possible.
i know that i have the data.
i know that i can write.
i know that this is important.
and i know that no one is going to do it for me.

i want to have reason to trust myself again.

[implicit]

during our very productive and entertaining meeting today, my thesis supervisor gave me a copy of the reference letter he had contributed to my law school application.

it was so very generous. not that it contained anything embroidered or necessarily untrue, but in the sense that... it told me that he's been looking to see the best in me from the beginning. and, because he's a man of integrity, i know he would only write such lovely things if he believed them to be true. and i also know that the words he used are meaningful for him, rather than empty compliments. as an academic reference he was not called on to do this, but he went out of his way to highlight aspects of my character that he admired. "i trust her implicitly," he wrote.

this note was so moving and so timely: i'm preparing to submit my first complete draft at the end of the month, and there's a lot to do. by mid-april, i will have defended my thesis. a few weeks later, i'll graduate again. the work has been tedious, thrilling, heartbreaking, provocative, inspiring, infuriating, and edifying. but what i am most convinced of is that the work has been important, not by virtue of my brilliant treatment of untapped primary sources, but by virtue of the subject matter. the stakes of this work go far beyond the boundaries of the academic world.

so... it's nice to know that he trusts me.

picture this

2009...

it was to be a year of weddings, renewed friendships, goodbyes, and hellos...

cori got married and we danced.

i finished my course work and carried an orange balloon.

i turned 28 and made an awesome cake.

i went to the bahamas and studied for the lsat.

i went to collingwood and played on the swings with nancy and pat.

i said goodbye to cori and made her a cake.

mon got married and we danced.

i got my lsat score and nearly wept with joy.

i went all out for hallowe'en but no one else did!

while on a research trip, i commemorated the 20th anniversary of the fall of the berlin wall.

i celebrated the holidays with more "family" than ever before - friends so close they're family, my little sister's in-laws, distant cousins in london, my little sister, her husband, and my parents. and i missed my older sister and her fiance.

there was a lot more in there... new ideas, new areas of research, major life decisions (like applying to law school), terrible disappointments (the detainee allegations and the recent proroguing of parliament rank high, but there were personal ones, too). but there was growth. and there were good tears.

not bad for a year's work. on to the next!

capital/capitol

things you need to know about me, if you don't already:

1 - i'm insanely into "the west wing."
2 - the only time i've ever been to washington dc, i hung out with the older sissy, but never saw the sights.
3 - united airlines flies to heathrow through dc.
4 - i don't know how to sight-see by myself. it's hard to stay motivated and to know what to do... and i always wish i had someone to talk to about what i see.
5 - my thesis work revolves around the vietnam war.

with some help from my expedia-expert (i.e. dad), a 13-hour layover was planned. the benefit of this particular trip was that it was so short that it could only allow for a whirlwind tour. in other words, i had no choice but to stay motivated. it also demanded some triage.

i focused on the national archives, the lincoln memorial, and the vietnam war memorial. i also broke down and got a reader card at the library of congress. ("broke down" because they really discourage getting the card unless you intend to do research. in all fairness, i would have done so if i had the time.)

apart from the coincidence of seeing an enlisted soldier at the vietnam war memorial, my favourite thing was discovering that one of my tour bus drivers (taking advantage of the freedom to hop-on-hop-off, i met four different ones) was a vietnam vet. he was in grad school and got a student deferment, but then he ran out of money. so he enlisted and flew fighter planes! then he moved to d.c. in '73. i know vets abound, especially in the states, and especially when it comes to this particular war... but it was still kinda neat.

globu, globu!

my chubby fingers reached for the christmas ornament and mom tentatively placed the shiny sphere in my hand. within seconds, it was on the ground, in pieces. to this day, whenever i reach for something delicate, i hear mom’s singsong voice: globu, globu! it reminds me that, as a two-year-old, i begged for and was entrusted with a treasure, only to fail miserably as its steward.

the 26-year gap between that christmas and today seems to have done little to shake the feeling that i cannot handle the fragile. it is enough to make me hesitate before i reach out. i pause for a moment and consider: can't i enjoy this beautiful thing without touching it, without risking it? perhaps i can relish it by observation, rather than experience. we will both be safer that way.

even the things i love most – especially the things i love most – i am bound to be too aggressive with, to smother, to crush. my fingers are not nimble enough, my grip is too tight, and i find myself counting down to the inevitable disappointment of loss.

~ adapted from my "soul paper," 2004.

where the brilliant ideas are...

in case it wasn't intuitively obvious from my last post, i've been spending a whole lot of time working at a coffee shop lately. namely, a starbucks at a certain chapters near my house.

sometimes i feel guilty about being here: at first, i would get a (vanilla rooibos, loose-leaf in a bag!) tea in the morning, ask to have it topped up with more hot water a few hours later, then have a snack or lunch, and finally a (vanilla rooibos, loose-leaf in a bag!) tea latte in the afternoon. then i started bringing my lunch and snack from home. they let me stay, which i really appreciate. (for all i know, the staff is just uncomfortable asking people to please spend more than $7 if they're going to hang out all day and use their power outlets.) in any case, it works out well for me, but i feel awful when people are lookin' for a place to sit.

incidentally, even $7 a day (plus transit) isn't cheap. if you click on the ads on the left, you can help me pay for my "office"! :) i'll even put a little sign on my table that says, "paid for, in part, by..." i swear i will.

the thing is, i get work done at an alarming rate when i'm here! there are fewer distractions and i only have internet access for 2 hours. plus, the very act of getting up and out of the house helps put me in the right frame of mind for productivity. (fact: i could never be self-employed.) listening to "glee" constantly also seems to help. it's predictable (there are only twenty tracks, at this point) and cheerful. my mom actually describes the show as my way of recovering from hours and hours of being immersed in the gory details of the vietnam war and the infuriating selfishness of certain corners of the mennonite and united churches.

she may have a point. it's hard to be too upset about tiger cages when you're listening to this:


what helps you get work done?