fair is fair

i don't eat most chocolate because about 90% of cocoa isn't fair trade, and that's brutal. so, when i was reading people's lists of their food weaknesses, i realized i can't list chocolate anymore. i discovered a principle - in this case, social justice - that made it impossible for me to indulge the way i used to.

why am i not bound by some principle involving my health? why can't i be fair to myself?

just one

there was this one time that william booth wanted to send a telegram to all his salvation army folk all over the world. but, you know, it's the army, so there wasn't a lot of money kicking around. he decided to send a one word message.

what would you send?

you talkin' to me?

m: everything i'm reading rings so true...
m: mmmmmaybe you're orthodox-with-a-capital-o?
m: yeah, ok. but do i have to attend an orthodox church as a result?
m: why wouldn't you?
m: yo, i don't know... there's something holdin' me back...
m: what might that be?
m: being alone? i don't know anyone else in the orthodox church in hamilton.
m: dude, do you know *anyone* in hamilton?
m: fair point.
m: thanks.
m: you so smaht!
m: me think so, too!

"salvation is not looked at within orthodoxy as either an in or out position, but a journey into God..." ~timothy copple

run, don't walk

steve and i saw this last night.
then i went home and read the book again.
and i don't want to get over it.
some times there are great seasons to cry. :)

p.s. it was also clean monday yesterday, which was harder on my heart than i expected. wilderness can only ever be embraced if there's real hope of something better on the other side. so, here's hoping.

as for the terrors ahead - for he did not fool himself that they were all behind him - well, you just have to stand up to your fear and not let it squeeze you white. right, leslie? right.

don't tell anyone

there will always be sad secrets to tell and to hear. maybe the reason i keep checking every week is that sometimes there are secrets that feel true, even though i don't understand them at all.

it's forgiveness sunday, the beginning of great lent. traditionally, i should ask those close to me to "forgive me, a sinner." they should respond, "God forgives." i don't know how to ask forgiveness from people who don't seem to think it's important, but it still seems crucial to ask, instead of just saying i'm sorry.

to us, as children of adam and eve, God also gives opportunities to ask for forgiveness, as adam and eve should have done. He gives us the sacrament of confession. confession does not exist because God wants to know what we have done or left undone. He already knows that . . .

God does not need our confession, but we do.
~ from here

stumbling home

after tony the beat poet says something profound, donald miller says, it was obvious that something beautiful and true had hit the table with a thud (118).

that's how i feel about orthodoxy with a capital o. and, despite the fact that sometimes the thud is so loud that i pull away, i'm slowly heading back in that direction.

monday is the first day of great lent. after a year of having people question my motives all over the place, it's nice to know i do it, too: the lenten fast means my eating will change drastically for the next forty days or so. i know the real reason i'm doing this, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that there'll be health benefits in the process. how do i keep that from entering into the equation? it sucks that sometimes there are selfish reasons to do good things.

so, i've been thinking: maybe the first thing i'm supposed to learn is that only God can sanctify my will.

and maybe the second thing is that this - not just lent, but life itself - isn't about self-control or self-talk. it's about submission.

aflame

firefighters came today, because i am the worst stove-minder of all time. but i got a firefighter pin. and lungs fullish of smoke. and dinner out with jen to make up for the burnt smell in the house. so, horray for pasta primavera and it's forgiveness-inducing properties!

fyi, ryan gosling is so wonderful.

so gather up your jackets;

move it to the exits
i hope you have found a friend
~closing time, semisonic

we used to wander between bright yellow buses, doing actions and promising to remember and sucking back tears with all our might. skoch played "closing time" and changed the lyrics to make it ok. i think. with graduation so soon, and ross citing this song because rickles closed, it's all coming back.

i'm leaving, you know? my roomie and the puppy. these friends. this job. this church. this school. this city. the people i kinda wish i'd never met because i haven't yet figured out what i was supposed to learn there, exactly. more so, the people i never got to know. you, maybe. and no one's sure what's next, eh?

i've spent enough time hearing kevin and steve wonder about the future to realize that i'm not like them: they fear that what they deeply desire will somehow disintegrate. (kevin's gotten into durham now, btw, so he doesn't seem as worried as usual.) when the future scares me it's because i haven't put my finger on my deepest desires.

this i know, though: the moments when i ache for holiness feel the realest. so, i guess what i'm trying to say is i know who i want to take me home . . .

and the pendulum swings

"random msn story you might want to read instead of your email" is actually funny today: this one is about how to give an appropriate acceptance speech when (not if) you win an oscar. i'm including my favourite tip below. note that, in a break from my usual online style, i'm leaving the original capitalization as is. that's because, at times, it makes this so much funnier.

Don't Assume That God Voted for You
No incarnation of the Creator of All Things is registered as a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and nowhere on the Academy ballots is there a category for Best Vessel Through Whom God's Blessings Might Flow. (There remains some question, however, about whether Jesus Christ personally chooses the Grammy winners.) Winning an Oscar does not make you a special agent of God's will or the divine favorite over your fellow nominees -- or, for that matter, over the lepers in your category who must suffer the enduring shame of not even being nominated. (Didn't Jesus say that the un-nominated would inherit the earth?) Do not demean the concept of the Almighty by implying that either you, or the members of the Academy who voted for you, are somehow helping to implement God's Mysterious Plan so that you all can bring about the End Times. Even if it's true, don't. It's just bad form.

idolatrous me

moses must have been furious when he saw his brother leading israel in worshipping the golden calf. all the people had heard Yahweh demand that they worship no idols; neither they, nor aaron, had any excuse, yet no one accepted responsibility. moses would have been justified in accepting God's offer: he could replace abraham, start anew, and lead a people who were serious about being faithful to Yahweh. maybe it's our western individualism that compels us to strike out on our own each time we discover sin or diversity or blemishes. the source of the attitude does not matter so much to me; what does matter is moses' response to that offer: he politely declined. moreover, moses chose to passionately intercede for his people. he fought for the foolish, sinful, murmuring, chosen people.

this is not about ignoring real concerns. after all, moses rebuked the israelites harshly. yet his anger over their sin was not founded in self-righteousness. rather, it reflected a profound understanding of what sin accomplished: it divided israel from God, who was deeply offended by their false worship. moses' anger sprang out of his own love for Yahweh, and for the chosen people. when i am angry at a church or a pastor or a Christian because there has been a violation of a principle, i am loving neither God nor His people. i am clinging to a mere ideology, and that is nothing short of idolatry. ironic, isn't it?

i want to be like the moses of that moment. i want to be fully cognizant of the wrongness of what is happening, to know the sorrow of the growing rift between God and those He loves, to wholeheartedly agree that judgement would be just, and to still love them enough to intercede for them. to get down on my knees for those who refuse to do so. to stand in the gap when i speak to God and to His children. to weep when i could whine. to long for reconciliation and healing in the lives of others, and not only my own. to be clean of all unrighteousness and still stand by those who fall.

embrace yourself!

as i've been trying to take better care of myself, i've been getting anonymous support. someone said this, basically: "you know you're doing well when your personal problems don't interfere with making the right choices."

it feels good to feel good.