blog mocking art imitating life

i track my starbucks visits. not the number or frequency, but the locations. i know i'm not the only one! which makes this even funnier: that is priceless.

"we will have these moments to remember..."

what is this?

is it necessarily the case that the fellow on the left isn't a feminist? isn't it possible that he is, but that he's also a jerk? kinda like a lot of other feminists?

being a feminist doesn't mean you're always a nice person, just like being a skeptic doesn't mean you're always rational.

it's funny, though. i'll give it that.

stay positive

today's xkcd comic is just brilliant:

lessons

i really love this article from cracked.com, which explores the ten most important things they didn't teach you in school. it's clever, often hilarious, practical, occasionally touching, and more than a little wise. here's their rundown:

10: sex ed. (for girls): how to spot a douchebag
9: sex ed. (for boys): why porn is a not a good way to learn about sex
8: phys. ed.: practical self-defense
7: industrial arts: emergency repairs
6: business: success = meeting the right people
5: health: how to stop throwing your money away on snake oil
4: health: why losing weight requires some amount of suffering
3: home economics: how to cook cheap food that won't kill you
2: political science: why talk radio is a terrible source of information
1: social studies: life is hard and you will die, get over it

that summary really doesn't do it justice, so i highly recommend you just read the whole piece.

lawpunnery!

you know you've been reading a lot (too much?) about scotus decisions vis-a-vis the establishment and free exercise clauses of the first amendment when you get a hankering for lemon shebert.

i got you, rusch!

i recently got crafty and revamped a rusch clock from ikea. this simple, cheap plastic clock is easy to personalize, as has often been mentioned on ikea hacker.

all you have to do is pop off the clear plastic front-piece, pull off the hands, and decorate your blank canvas: the clock face.

because the clock was for idris, and because we watched "groundhog day" on groundhog day when we'd just been dating for two weeks, this is what i went with:

i actually came across the picture while brainstorming ideas, and it was too perfect for words! all i had to do was print it to size, cut it out, and make sure the numbers corresponded to the appropriate time.

i love how it turned out (and so does idris!), and am planning on making one for myself! that way whenever i check the time i can be reminded to make each day matter.

good grammar can improve airport security!

while waiting in a long, long airport security line at lester b. pearson international airport today, i saw a sign warning unruly passengers that they may "be denied boarding and/or prosecuted."

oh, and/or. apparently, you're not as straightforward as i imagined you to be.

i'm pretty sure this particular sign used "and/or" wrong, because it implies that there are two possible punishments for being unruly: (being prosecuted) OR (being prosecuted and being denied boarding.) thaaaat's fairly silly. if they're going to prosecute you, i really doubt they'll let you board! but that's just my gut talkin'.

the sign should probably read: "unruly passengers may be prosecuted and/or denied boarding." subtext: being a jackass won't help you get on the plane faster. not even if you're a cabinet minister.

don't you dare let yourself believe that this issue doesn't apply to you! pondering such grammatical nuances has effectively diverted and distracted me as i've stood in long, long airport security lines. were it not for those distractions i may have become unruly!

and we all know what happens when you become unruly in an airport. or we would, if the sign was clearer.

une petite blague

what do you call a surprise kiss?
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an am-bouche!

the great cola challenge of 2010: yes, we can or bottle!

what do you get when you combine eight types of cola with two nerds? a homemade cola taste test, patterned after the pepsi challenge!

idris and i are both loyal fans of coca-cola products: he's committed to the classic variety, while i have a mild addiction to diet coke. but would these preferences hold true in a double-blind taste test?!

we acquired a bottle or can of each of the following: pepsi, diet pepsi, diet caffeine-free pepsi, cocacola, diet coke, coke zero, compliments cola, and life brand diet cola.

using eight identical glasses and twice as many post-its, we achieved this:

i numbered the glasses and then, in private, wrote down which type of cola each number represented. i then left the area while idris rearranged the glasses and labeled them with letters. he also kept his code-key to himself.

in order to ensure that the test results were untainted, we did the taste-testing separately.

as we sipped from each of the glasses we tried to answer the following questionnaire:

a) which was your favourite?
b) which was your least favourite?
c) which was sweetest?
d) which tasted most like chemicals?
e) which ones were diet/zero? (5)
f) which one was caffeine-free?
g) which ones were coca-cola products? (3)
h) which ones were pepsi products? (3)
i) which ones were store brand? (2)

our answers were all over the map. we both correctly identified three of the five diet drinks, and i picked out the diet caffeine-free pepsi. diet pepsi fooled idris, while coke zero fooled me!

(i also knew which one was the store-brand cola, but that was a cheat: it was purchased last and was noticeably warmer than the others. by the time idris drank, the difference in temperature was probably negligible.)

while neither of us did a bang-up job of figuring out which drink was which, we did eventually each choose a favourite. the results, after this drumroll....



idris chose coke and i chose diet coke!

tada! sweet vindication!

word to the wise: if you want to recreate this, i'd suggest sticking with fewer options. the tastes are actually quite similar from cola to cola, so eight is, well, more than enough.

also, if you can swing this, buy cans and keep them all in the fridge for 24 hours before embarking on this adventure. that way, you can't cheat and when you're done you won't be swimming in quite so much pop you never intend to drink.

plans for the future: this might be worth repeating with other combinations. for instance, i arranged a quick follow-up test with just the colas, and idris was then able to distinguish between the coca-cola, the pepsi, and the store brand cola. you could also do one with kosher coke and regular, the former of which uses cane sugar while the latter uses high fructose corn syrup. or coke, diet coke, and coke zero. but, i repeat: the fewer samples, the better read you'll get on the differences between them.

on telepathy and dumplings

i have a new friend and one of the things we like doing is being psychic.

said i on january 24th: hey, do you have plans not this tuesday but the one after? bonus points if you can figure out why i'm asking.
said he: you're not going to believe this, but i was totally going to suggest watching that movie, too!

so, on february 2nd, i brought over "groundhog day." before we watched the movie, though, we headed out to the grocery store to get what we needed to make pork and leek dumplings. see, he'd hilariously suggested that we cook something with "ground hog." i had amusingly joked that the store would be sold out of minced pork because everyone would be doing the same thing that day.

and it was!

or maybe it just doesn't carry it? anyway, in order to mimic the tasty concoctions of the working class foodies (see video below), we bought plain pork sausages (and de-sausaged them), leeks, green onions, ginger, and wonton wrappers. we combined the meat with soy sauce and the veggies, loaded the goods into the wrappers (carefully but not super neatly!), and then boiled them for 8-10 minutes.



we dipped our delectable little parcels into a vinegar-soy-ginger-green onion sauce. and sighed and self-congratulated and went back for more. and watched bill murray repeat the same day over and over again.



and you know what? it was a day worth repeating.

the funniest thing so far today

parental guidance - or a sense of humour that allows for gratuitous swearing - required. but seriously. awesome stuff: the author of f u, penguin furiously responds to the paralyzing cuteness of the animal kingdom... one species at a time.

i'm serious about the degree of swearing, btw: it's quite something. you really won't find this funny if that's a problem for you. don't say i didn't warn you.

update: if you're not into swearing at cute animals, but enjoy a little snark, cake wrecks
may be right up your alley. it features hilarious baked creations five days a week and actual works of cake art on sundays. enjoy!

joyful, joyful...

i know this is terribly novel, but i may be addicted to glee. this undoubtedly comes as a shock, given that i cry *every* time i watch sister act. (granted, this show is more in the style of the sequel.)

anywho, it's superclever, the music is sweet, and jane lynch is a genius. i especially dig that rachel works out to "break my stride" because, as some of you may remember, i do, too.

additionally, i need to work out a normal sleep schedule.

and so, goodnight unto you all.

5

when you're sitting two feet away from someone who is stomping her feet, slapping her face and ears, trying to throw the heating vent at you, and screaming at the top of her lungs until she is in tears... five minutes feels like an eternity.


p.s.
michael: have you seen any new movies lately?
me: well... oh, i saw "17 again"!
michael: oh, so you've seen in twice already?

i love my job. there's so much laughter there. so much trust. and it brings me tremendous joy even - and maybe especially - when it's heartbreaking and terrifying.

c is for clueless

there's been a bug going around and as a result i've had lots of bonus shifts at work. for instance, yesterday was my third straight overnight at charbonneau house. this one was planned at the very last minute and actually involved a bit of a morning shift the following day. the deal is that whoever's getting up with the core members for breakfast also takes the monitor for the night. basically, i can hear how nancy's doing and, at the touch of a button, can check on her. nancyvision!

i hadn't done this in a while, but when i lived at charbonneau it was my turn at least twice a week. so, obviously, i'm a pro.

as planned, i woke up for the 7am pee and went to wake nancy. she was reluctant, as usual, but followed me to the bathroom. when we were done there, i brought her back to her room, assuring her that someone would wake her up in the morning. she settled back on her (new!) bed and i returned to mine. before i tucked my groggy self in, i went to reset the alarm for my real wakeup, around 7:30. which was when i finally looked at the time.

it was 1:30am.

apparently, it wasn't my alarm that had woken me up! i'd just woken up on my own, assumed the alarm had gone off, and went along with the routine!

a hundred thoughts ran through my mind: "did i just dream that?! 'cause sometimes i daydream within dreams, and this could be one of those times... no, i'm pretty sure that really did just happen!!! what if she can't fall back asleep?! it's ok, we have some her sedative on standby! too bad we don't have a protocol for when assistants have sleep disturbances! should i still get her up again at 7 and then *again* at 9?! oh, also: are you stupid?!" though i was ducking and weaving, eventually sleep hit me.

fast forward to 7:30: i was packing up my stuff when i heard a thud downstairs. i hit the button on the monitor and *poof!* nancy wasn't there! jogging down the stairs, i wondered why her door alarm hadn't gone off. answer: houdini was sitting on the floor. just chillin'. i joined her in playing it cool, and pretended this was her normal 7am interlude from sleep. it all worked out fine, and she went back to sleep for nearly 2 hours. so forgiving!

in my life there have been plenty of nights when i woke up multiple times, worried that i might oversleep. before tests, trips, work. this was certainly the first time i assumed it was morning already.

what a way to (false) start the day!

edited to add:

first of all, given the dreams i forecast in my last post, i think my 1:30am adventure may have been rum-induced!

secondly, i wrote to my mom about all this, and this was her reply:
very funny! i hope you're not too worried about it. it can happen to anyone... remember how i once woke up in the middle of the night, tried to warm some milk in the microwave, and set the time starting with 416? or the night when i went for a glass of water, placed a cup under the light switch, and waited patiently?

meta-jaded?

proposition>> i am becoming an old grouch.

supporting evidence>>
exhibit a: teenagers in movie theatres almost universally annoy me.
exhibit b: i think of undergrads as youngsters.
exhibit c: youngster pretension isn't cute to me.

evidence to the contrary>>
exhibit a: dude, teenagers in movie theatres annoyed you when you *were* a teenager.
exhibit b: you sound like a four-year-old when you see a rabbit. ahem: "bunniiiiies!!!"
exhibit c: you spent several seconds today reflecting on how much you enjoyed the shade
of green used for traffic lights. (dude, it's seriously beautiful!)

while the jury deliberates... lemme tell you what i heard on the bus today. two women ("youngsters," if you will) were chatting at a volume which, while not outright annoying, was high enough to distract me from malone's rants against patriarchy. not that this is a difficult task. (the distracting, not the talking loudly.) among complaints about the cost of textbooks and the bureaucracy that is osap, they began to discuss a mutual acquaintance.

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arts student>> do you know what he says to end a conversation? like, instead of "goodbye"?
science student>> no...
arts>> he says, "have fun!"
science>> really?!
arts>> yeah, it pisses me off!!!
science>> well, i say that, too, if someone's going off to do something interesting. or, sarcastically, if they're going off to do something uninteresting.
arts>> yeah, ok, that's fine. it's about something specific or it's sarcastic, that's fine. but he says it all the time! it just sounds flippy!* like, have fun doing what?
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* i'm not making that up. other parts are kinda paraphrased, but she definitely, definitely used the word "flippy."

i'm so over early-twenties-jadedness. maybe i'm jaded about jadedness. but, dude, joy is so much better than all that trash. and isn't it potentially awesome that your friend wishes that you'd have fun, whatever you may be doing next?

maybe i'm biased, though, because my parents have typically bade me farewell as follows:
mom>> be good!
dad>> have fun!
i really like taking their advice. especially in combination :)

sound bites

overheard at a southasian new year's eve party in just-barely-scarborough, ontario...

monica>> happy halloween! i mean--

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pictionary team captain>> ok, i choose mara!
pritim>> yo, that's good, man... choose people who can speak english.

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me>> white people have feelings, too, you know!

and now, the first five songs of 2009 (minus the music at last night's party)
1) où aller où? - tiken jah fakoly
et puis je me souviens
que dans cet ouragan
on m’a tendu la main
mais elle portait des gants

2) happy boys and happy girls - aqua
i don't want to waste my time on simple little things
i'd rather stay here all the night with everyone who sings!
happy boys and happy girls, we'll be
we are the happy boys and girls
happy boys and happy girls, we'll be
so happy!

3) say it right - nelly furtado
from my mouth
i could sing you
another brick
that i laid

4) in the light - dc talk
honesty becomes me
(there's nothing left to lose)

5) the bare necessities - phil harris
and don't spend your time lookin' around
for something you want
that can't be found.
when you find out you can live without it
and go along, not thinking about it,
i'll tell you something true:
the bare necessities of life will come to you!

do you see why i don't argue with jiminy (my ipod)?

can you hear...

with a bed above my head

ikea guy: can one of you hold the roof racks so they're perpendicular to the van?
sharon: yeah, mara will do that, 'cause she went to university and she knows what perpendicular means.

[later, grappling with roof straps...]
me: so, does anyone need any greek translated?
ikea guy: you have a degree but you don't know how to use straps?
sharon: yeah, we've already established that was more theoretical than practical.
me: hey, for the record, i can put the ikea stuff together... i just can't get it home.

i've recently been learning...

1. it will never be the same again
2. no matter which beach boys' song i start out singing, i end up with "(i wish they all could be) california girls"
3. "if i stand at all, it is certainly not alone"
4. being brave feels good (after the peeing-your-pants thing is done)
5. i am deeply loved and kinda needed
6. it's not about me
7. God really wants to be known... He is the "one who has waited long for you to speak" (the horse and his boy)
8. just because everyone seems to see you a certain way doesn't mean it's true
9. the way i deal with life is fundamentally flawed
10. my family is often very, very difficult... but somehow it can be beautiful
11. sometimes it is about me
12. every story is everyone's story, somehow
13. for the record, we still can't get through mother's day without my mom crying
14. if everyone seems to see you in a certain way, you should consider that it might be true
15. no one is indispensable
16. x hours of anything-other-than-sleep = 0 hours of sleep, no matter how restful you think the other thing might be
17. most friendships don't end... they just change
18. my mom may be difficult, but i don't always have to be selfish and sensitive
19. i didn't miss provincial sales tax
20. i already miss being driven home and sitting in the parking lot for hours
21. there is no formula. ever. ok, i'll give you the quadratic formula... but it prolly won't help so much.
22. it's never too late to be loving
23. "being miserable doesn't make you better than anyone else... it just makes you miserable" (house)
24. no one is replaceable (sorry, beyonce)
25. if God isn't ok with swearing, i am in so much trouble... because:
26. sometimes the only words i have are ones i only really trust Him to tolerate and understand
27. trajectory is so, so important. (i guess i need to take the derivative to find the slope of the tangent to the curve at this particular moment... oh, wait: no formuale.)
28. "every tear i've cried, You hold in Your hand" (casting crowns)
29. what i want most is home
30. listen
31. it will never be the same again