safe

when i was about nine i had a pretty bad nightmare. i got kicked out of swimming class for talking too much, so i went back to the changeroom... only there was a man there and he locked the door. he didn't touch me - the dream didn't get that far - but the terror was still overwhelming. and when i screamed it just bounced off the walls and no one in the swimming pool could hear me or help me.

eighteen years later, i still remember his slight but powerful silhouette, the sound this piece of metal made when he scraped it across the floor and then rammed it under the door, the way the blue tiles looked as my voice visibly and helplessly ricocheted.

and i remember that when i woke up, it was the middle of the night and i was so very upset. so scared. and you let me crawl into bed with you.

i love you so much.

wonder nine

michelle reminded me of last reading break when we went to starbucks and knitted (knot?)... finally, when hunger got the best of us, we headed out. there was snow on her car and we cleaned it off together. at chianti's, we kept knitting. i think we spent eight hours together that day. she asked me if i reflected on days like that with sadness, given the surrounding circumstances.

remember when everything was hard and you were there? the context doesn't taint the memories, it makes them more precious. when i think about all the craziness, all the hurt, all the struggle... and i remember that you were there, it makes everything go hazy and beautiful.

kristin, amanda, michelle... showing integrity and clinging to one another when giving up might have been easier.

ross and kevin... struggling to hope together, learning to be honest with each other.

jen and biscuit... coming home to something safe and nurturing, knowing i have an advocate and a cuddlebuddy (respectively).

i'm struck by the goodness in my life. the strength and compassion you showed. you babysat me, you trusted me, you shared your life with me. i value that so very much.

wendy's, blizzards, and hot beverages make me miss you in a way i can best describe in romanian: ustura. or, to put it the way lars did, "like a burn. like when you go outside and your feet freeze and you come back in and then they thaw out? it's like that. it's almost exactly like that."

it's the kind of pain i embrace, though, because it reminds me how very, very rich i was last year. it's not even bittersweet anymore... just sweet.

thank you.

winter quotables 2007

i never realized how good looking you were until i met your family!
~michelle

you should invent a teleporting machine... well, you did ask people to give you advice for what to do next!
~kevin

mara: he had good looks... lots of good looks...
deniss: aaaall over his face!

i don't eat ice cream because it's good for me.
~darcy

mara: he cried yesterday.
ross: that's 'cause he's a man.
mara in her head: i love that we both know that's not at all sarcastic.

nooo waaaaaaaaaaay!
~exclaimed by jen repeatedly, as she discovers the wonders of facebook

i don't know very many wise people who quit.
~brett

the bible is trying to move people from a deeply unjust context to a profound equality.
~mara

we can't even imagine the hope we have.
~steve

i've experienced world peace... it's worth it! we should bring it to this planet!
~michelle

mara: we can pretend to be married.
ross: we totally can. i just have to take mara for granted more.

no, steve isn't a good guy because he's my friend.
~ross

life is short; why live in the snow?
~dr. knudtson

ah, gregory of nyssa... great guy... great poet... a bit of a whiner, though.
~dr. mealey

that's so WRONG-AH!
~jen, making fun of my hard g's

little children will suffer if you don't take care of yourself.
~jen

he is as spiritual as a chair.
~deniss

there is beauty in the world even when my bus is late.
~mara

mara, you should have married my wife.
~kevin

that saint francis, he had his ducks in a row... literally.
~jen

it's not me; it's us.
~kristin

what kind of girl are you?! you have no power of manipulation!
~steve

oh, you're soft... and sparkly! you are everything i like.
~faith

those who don't have time to study call themselves "biblical Christians."
~prof. hyatt

i will fight brian mclaren in a steel cage.
~ross

why is satan so good in bed? i'd think he'd be really inconsiderate.
~steve

i'm not sad, i'm complicated. chicks dig it.
~house

aflame

firefighters came today, because i am the worst stove-minder of all time. but i got a firefighter pin. and lungs fullish of smoke. and dinner out with jen to make up for the burnt smell in the house. so, horray for pasta primavera and it's forgiveness-inducing properties!

fyi, ryan gosling is so wonderful.

quotables 2006

i'm not sad, i'm complicated. chicks dig it.
~house

mom: you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you marry one!
dad: i married a frog-kisser!

the belief that God became man in birth, suffering, and death is the ultimate mindf*ck. can i write that on the exam?
~ross

there are windows!
~kristin and mara, in the worst ever response to a proposition

ah, [evangelical complementarian] Christianity . . . the perfect balance between new age and islam.
~steve

getting dressed will make me late . . . but it is SO important.
~michelle

i always suspected that the promised land was outside this classroom.
~dylan

let's not reflect on anything, because then we might be responsible for how we live our lives!
~jen

and you probably weren't baptised into an ethiopian restaurant.
~priest at st. peter's orthodox church

i believe in an invisible man in the clouds . . . everybody cry now!
~steve

it just makes you want to get drunk and sleep with someone random so you can enjoy your wedding night.
~mara

is islamic a language?
~kevin

that's beautiful . . . in two minutes you convinced me to be a democrat.
~deniss

if that's really what happened, i'm pretty sure satan was in the right.
~ross

jones [soda] is more of a prophet than brian maclaren.
~ross

clever Christians keep me Christian.
~ross

if there's one thing bible college has taught me, it's to question the authority of scripture.
~steve

what i love about today

it snowed.
it's mom and dad's birthday.
i did laundry.
i talked to mom about debating and the class i'm teaching.
i talked to dad about the state of federal liberal politics and tax exemptions.
i talked to corina about food and happiness and how much i have sucked over the years.
i talked to james about long hours and augustine and not wanting to talk to him.
postsecret was updated.
my busdriver teased me.
i went to church.
we sang a round.
caleb and rochelle showed up.
i called someone darling by mistake. (*gotta* watch that!)
God lives in me.
i went home and stayed there.
jen had an important conversation.
i stopped counting.
i ate avocadoes.
i napped.
i finished my exodus readings.
ross ranked me first.
i smiled.
i wrote.
i loved.
today.

like rain

kat and rick are married now . . . to describe their wedding in a few words, it was the best of who they are, as individuals, as a couple, as a part of a community of love.
the hours of driving, getting lost, finding our way - both geographically and figuratively - with kevin and ross were priceless. and i hope it's just the beginning.
sometimes God listens.
or maybe it's just that sometimes i notice.
i am not worried . . . i am not overly concerned.

shout-outs to team 1981

there are only two people in the 7some family reunion 2006 who share the same birthyear: dov and me. 1945, 1952, 1977, 1982, and 1984 take a backseat. so sad. anyway, although i've met dov before and he's been dating ioana for fivepointfive years, this was the first time we really connected. somehow, he became a real person on this visit . . . dude, if you're reading this, i hope you know that i mean. he's a shoulder to cry on (in theory) and he knows how to carve a turkey. two enthusiastic thumbs up.

leaving toronto means that, among other things, i won't be seeing justin again for a long time. which stinks quite a bit. he joined the team less than a month before me, and paved the way for my membership. i guess. also, he's wonderful. also, the 6some (7some minus sir james) went to a hungarian restaurant on sunday night . . . and i really wished i could tell him so he could laugh at me. sigh. i'll miss you, buddy! (yeah, and you'll take it!)

leaving toronto also means that, among other things, i am so back in calgary, and have been unpacking lots and lots. consider yourself officially invited to visit me in my loverly room and - if you haven't already - to meet my roommate jen. you guessed it, she's on the team, too.

woot, etc. we're taking over the world with our quarter-century-awesomeness! and why? because 1981=7x283. need i say more?

maramath for beginners

mara + bbqing = quasi-disaster
frodo + sam = tumnus + lucy = mara almost crying
mara + more than a little pain = whiney baby
mommy + daddy + mara + ravine/boardwalk = good walks
bugs + hair = no fun
mara - procrastination = 0
mara = kevin = lots of excuses
mara + amy = excellent catch-up chat
mara + justin = intense gin games

green kangaroo

strongly suspect that my sissy and her boyfriend are in love, and that my parents are, too. my bedroom is between my sister's and my parents', so "love is all around me." the best love is the kind where you don't have to pretend. and you can make funny faces and smell weird and it's ok.

yesterday, i met up with a friend and realized that i was dressed as dumpy as i get in public (baggy jeans and my rmc hoodie). because i know justin loves me no matter what, even if he's never said so.

bought sugar-free vanilla syrup from starbucks. i miss kat.

i'm ly-ing (but it's all true)

previously on "mara's summer adventures - 2006 edition":
- expectedly: cried
- plane-ly: watched "what not to wear" sans volume
- zillion-times-ly: lamented that i only really got to know lysa and danielle in the last two weeks
- kinda unexpectedly: went to victoria via bc ferry!
- apparently: now quote scott (eg: "life is easy") all the time
- sadly: left my res staff photo mug on bc ferry
- surprisingly: met a guy who listens to the beach boys, the beatles, and smashing pumpkins, and cooks breakfast for his sister and her friends (they do exist.)
- constantly: tell stories about kat
- annoyingly: am unable to pass a street sign without commenting ("i once had a prof named chambers . . . hey, brentwood is the area of calgary that i lived in . . . earl haig is on empress in toronto")
- affectionately: passed a street called "wesley place" and thought about what good care janet is going to offer my favourite dog in the world
- future-ly: helped walk dogs (chase and stella) and reflected on whether i'll ever have real ones (no offense, wesley!)
- unsurprisingly: quote steve (eg: "the books stay open") all the time
- timely: thought much about real pain and real struggles, recognizing yet again that my own drama is so . . . teeny
- chattily: talked with my bestest human friend, nellie-o, who (i am relieved to report) isn't tired of me yet
- currently: reading "catcher in the rye" because . . . sigh.

procrastination loves company

ahem.

i feel compelled to supply the world with a report (complete with pictures) of the events of this morning:

i was awakened at 6:45 by my cell phone alarm, and then re-awakened five minutes later by the incessant ringing of our doorbell. the ras were buying everyone (read: the 25 people who got up!) breakfast, so kat and i hurried to get dressed. the wake-up procedure was assisted by me playing "taps" on my euphonium,with mixed success (read: i don't know how to play "taps", actually!)

smitty's not having been warned of their impending doom, we ended up waiting over an hour for food, so i missed ethics class. and, while i heard (from kat, who chose class over breakfast) that the discussion was interesting, i don't know that i mind having missed it. it's been getting on my nerves, and not for the reason ethics classes are supposed to. :)

anyway, i resolved to spend the remainder of the day focussing on my essay on jonathan edwards, whom i adore. (resolution #2: stop falling in love with dead guys. seriously.) BUT i was stolen away from my much-loved essay (which wept bitterly at my departure) and dragged to canadian bible society and pilgrim's. to drool over copies of the septuagint and be inspired to learn hebrew and latin because, well, i think my geek rating may be slipping.

and, can i add, ross and i laughed at deaf people. at least, at their bibles. apart from clarifying that we meant no offense, i refuse to give details, as they might somehow mitigate our behaviour. suffice it to say, it doesn't much matter how we behave in bible bookstores, since everyone else knows about Jesus anyway. and since we only behave ourselves when witnessing is an issue, we're in the clear. phew.

kevin having been kind enough to drop kat and me off at home, i lay down for nap. logical. but it didn't work, despite the fact that i was - and am - exhausted, and i found myself working on my essay for an hour. then i came here, to the computer lab which is my second home. inspired by ross's avatars of his friends, kevin and i proceeded to play for an hour and a half.

so, this is me, kat, ross and kevin. for the record, the ross pic is kevin's creation, and he had every right to be wasting his time making avatars.

unlike myself.

if you're looking for the same kind of fun - and here i'm talking about the avatars, not mocking the deaf or perusing God-related books - go here.

the day counting paid off . . .

FIRSTLY: just when you thought we were running low on craaazy things to do online . . . here's one more: think about the 43 goals you have for your life, then post them here. it's amazing (how much time it takes/wastes)!!!! enjoy!

SECONDLY: i went bowling last night dressed in the most ridiculous get-up this side of junior high. (i was a pretty normal/boring dresser in high school.) picture this: black pants, a black-with-white-flowers balloon skirt that barely covers my butt (hence the black pants), a pink long-sleeve shirt under a bright blue tank-top, and a black-pink-bright-blue bandana. also, bowling shoes. 'twas a sight. and it reminded me of one reason why i love kat: she assumes i'm ok with crazy. i don't think she realizes she's pulling teeth. which makes me think that maybe she isn't.

THIRDLY: toronto awaits my arrival on the 14th of may.

FOURTHLY: it feels weird to have a post with no picture . . . but what goes with this?

FIFTHLY: i'm hungry.

SIXTHLY: healing is good. laughter helps, but so do tears: "when i hold love, beauty, life in my hands, i cry for joy. i cry, too, for fear of losing them. it's nice to have things worth crying over. tears aren't so bad."

SEVENTHLY: it's peter's birthday this week. it's also been a month since he last posted.

EIGHTLY: i post on south meadow's blog on saturdays. other wonderful people post on the other days. worth checking out their/our thoughts on lent.

NINTHLY: lark news has cracked the code of determining how evangelical you are!!! take the test now! (it also provided me with a pic to accompany this post!) btw, why isn't there an "e" in ninth?

TENTHLY: i got up a minute ago and, as i walked, realized i was limping. only i could get sore from a 2-hour bowl-a-thon.

ELEVENTHLY: i got up a minute ago to pick up a gift from faith! yay for new cds!

TWELFTHLY: try saying that ten times fast.

THIRTEENTHLY: i really prefer dentyne. but beggars, choosers, etc.

FOURTEENTHLY: i get to go to church tomorrow! i've wanted to do that for nine years, almost! of course, along the way, i have given in to that desire from time to time. tomorrow i succumb, again. there will be talking about God, there will be songs, there will be people i don't know, there will be childen i get to play with, there will be a young adult group i'm beginning to join, there will be dylan and naomi (prolly), and there will be steve. and i like all of those things. :)

FIFTEENTHLY: i've been hungry since well before FIFTHLY. i'll go do something about that now.

calvin

i have a bible exam at 9am tomorrow, so i thought i'd spend a few moments discussing platonic forms. because i've been thinking about them. why else?

just before i posted about returning to who i used to be, i'd gone out for lunch with kevin and kat. at wendy's, of course. (where else?) ANYway, i was saying that when i was younger i wasn't so focused, but i was happier. coincidence? mmmm . . . maybe not! i played euphonium and did math and debating and writing and i loved it all . . . and i think i knew who i was. well, kat said, "yeah, but you aren't math and euph and debating and writing . . . those are just things you DO." they're things i participate in and they may describe me, but they're not me.

then stu - oh, stu - who was sitting at another booth, made some crack about what we choose to talk about - like love and life and why - and kev said, "it's like a socratic discourse." and then it clicked. and, man, when it clicks, it CLICKS.

forms.

what is the FORM of mara?

instead of focusing on the particulars, i should wallow in the universal. what am i about? not details, but real truths of me.

i struggle with role conflict, but i shouldn't. if divine simplicity is a reality, and i am to be Christlike, then i, too, should be more simple. not in the sense of "sell all your possessions" - although that, too - but in focusing less on having distinct attributes, and more on being a whole.

SO:

instead of thinking and planning and trying to be a good woman, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good residence manager, a good student, a good customer, a good neighbour, a good employee, a good Christian, a good role model, a good colleaugue, a good euphonium player, a good writer, a good debater, a good reader, a good roommate . . .

"and now you can say etc, etc" . . .

i should focus on trying to be a good human being. the rest will follow.

unofficially yours . . .

maybe tennyson got it wrong. maybe, in reality, it's in the *fall* that "a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love."

i'm counting . . . yeah, i know at least FIVE couples that have made it official over the last four weeks. that's a lot, isn't it?

you're prolly thinking, "so, mara, how do you feel about that?" glad you asked. i'm really happy for each individual couple! it just seems like a lot of people all at once. i mean, i'm with nav on this one, mostly. it's nice when other people are happy. but i don't think i'm quite as content with my singlehood as she is.

in other news, i had a great weekend! flew to toronto on friday afternoon, arriving at 9pm local time. reconnecting with dani after eight years was crazy! wonderful, but strange, you know? so much has changed for all three of us (ah, the dani, mari, cori clan), but so much is the same. still can't believe she flew me out there.

saturday was a whirlwind: we had a late breakfast, went to pick up tickets for a concert, met up with cori's boyfriend (who passed my "yam test"), watched "the neverending story", had sushi (it was pretty bad for me), met up with natalie and biplob and went to a romanian concert. except the concert ended up not working out too well for us, and we left. cori is working on getting us refunds :( ended the evening off at futures, a bakery in toronto that's right near the uni campus. don't know how i went to school there for three years without spending money on those amazing cakes, but we made up for it saturday night. by the time we got home, we were pretty pooped. (yeah, i did say "pooped"! how cool am i?!)

got up at 6:30 sunday and we left for the airport about an hour later. the plane left at 9:10 and - after enjoying "bewitched" as the inflight movie, sleeping, and reading ONE chapter of my history of xnty textbook - landed at 11:15 local time. it took me until 1:15 to get home.

realized i had missed res so much.

bought stuff and made food and got dressed just in time for steve to pick me up for the theology potluck. the diversity within our department is so beautiful to me. it really blows me away to look around at these people: amanda, michelle, kevin, kat, steve, melanie, barron, faith, abel, joyce peasgood, and paul knudtson. they each bring such valuable things to the table. even aside from the food, i mean :) anyway, i really enjoyed the evening.

rocky hockey started last night at 10:30, so we went off to that after the supper. the fan turnout was encouraging :D do you ever feel like you need permission to be loud? that's what i love about watching live sports . . it's totally expected. free at last, free at last. etc. got home at 1:15, which means i'd been up for 21 hours :P i slept on the couch, my room still being a disaster.

and now it's monday. and i need a weekend to recover. wish we could buy weekends and just use them whenever it's convenient. like, every other day.

p.s. some have mentioned that i haven't been really updating. clearly, i've made up for that with this crazy-long post!

the questions that always come up at bible college . . .

. . . you'd think they'd be more centred on issues of theology or ethics, but no. they're basic, though philosophical: what does it mean to be a man? what does it mean to be a woman? how do relationships work? is there an implicit promise made during flirting?

all this and more.

oh, by the way, that's not in class. that's in social situations.

speaking of social situations, i had a fun one last night(!!!). the ras (whom i love and admire more than words can say) came over after kat had her student union meeting, so there was a little overlap hang-outtage. a very relaxing time.

school is fairly close to insane and i'm experiencing stress at work, so prayers are still appreciated. but life is good, love is better, and God is best.

on the heart front, things are going much better. i figured out (read: God filled me in on) what the problem was, so that's helped a LOT. but i have little idea of how to solve it. maybe God will fill me in on that, too.

sometimes i feel . . .

. . . like a motherless child . . . a long way from home.

i miss my mom and dad and sissies today. so much of the day is spent thinking and talking - about euthyphro (be still, my beating heart) or relationships or home decor or family or theology or whatever - that it's unsurprising that i miss the dinner table conversation we used to have at home.

when i was there in july, my mom and i had a pretty awesome argument (well, heated debate, anyway) about terrorism as a tactic and appropriate responses thereto. our first conversation when i get off the plane usually revolves around books and movies and the news. last night i was telling kat that i couldn't bring home a man who wasn't intelligent, and i'm seeing the soundness of that assessment more and more each hour.

but it's not just about my family's expectations. it's that they remind me what my own expectations are, when i'm honest with myself. when i look through their eyes, there's some fuzziness and distortion for sure. but, in the final analysis, they know me as i really am.

(and they love me anyway!)

a sunday afternoon

so, we left youth councils at 2:30ish on sunday and got to tuscany around 4. we dumped our stuff off and i threw janna in the air and she grabbed my glasses. good stuff.

we got to the place where we do the kids club at around 4:45. everyone's nerves were shot. marren and sean were frustrated with each other. blargh.

so the group of us working on the kids club split up the kids and jumped into three vehicles and hit the streets. we were just dropping by to meet parents, say hi to the kids and remind them to come back this week. stuff like that. second house my car went to wasn't one of my kids, but the woman who leads the group wanted me to come with her. jessica (the girl we were visiting) looks like she might have down's or something like it, but there's no noticeable mental disability when you talk to her. anyway, her leader (jessi) wanted me to go with her just in case. jessica's sister opens the door, we tell her who we are and jessica comes to the door in her hallowe'en costume. as soon as she sees jessi, she just grabs her.

jessi goes over the info with jessica hugging her. then jessica lets go and moves on to me. jessica starts listing games we should play this week at kids club. her older sister (14ish, i think) interrupts not to take attention away from jessica, but to get some for herself. by the time we finish, jessi and i walk away going, "there needs to be something for teenagers in forest lawn"

so many interesting things happened. parents who were surprised to see us and couldn't believe we'd dropped by just to remind the kids to come back. kids calling their friends and inviting them to come to kids club - while angie was standing at the door! really neat stuff.

we finally finished up and headed over to forest lawn for dinner. their last bbq. when our carload got there, marren and angie had already been there for a while and marren said she'd arranged a ride home for us. angie added that she'd had to give her testimony as compensation. so she had already spoken about her experience this weekend.

i grab my dinner and go sit with one of the youth leaders who had been at yc . . . we chatted a bit and, when i got up to get watermelon or something i got caught. by mrs. b - the corps officer.

so, ten minutes later i gave my testimony . . . i didn't really want to, 'cause some of them had already hear it and i don't like giving the same "sermon" more than once. so God changed it a little.

i spoke about God's eagerness to engage with us; about how easy it is to find Him when we seek Him with all we have. and how He's just *waiting* to bless us. and He only has to wait because we choose to wait for "worship time" . . . . and then i gave a bit of my testimony.

the gist of it what this: God is screaming "I love you!!!!" through nature, through His word, through everything. live a life that's all about saying 'i love you, too!'