sigh

usually about this time of year, i write a short devotional thought (about, say, joseph or simeon)and deliver it oh-so-personally to the in-boxes of my friends and loved ones. but, recently, someone told me that mass emails basically offended her, because they suggested that i don't care about people but want to appear as if i do. it's all a big performance, you see. i thought that was interesting.

so, this year, i'm not sending out the mass email. not because i don't care, but because i'm so tired of second-guessing myself and wondering what people might think.

isn't that silly?

numbers and lists are fun . . .

. . . or so i would have you believe.

this is a list of the 100 best novels of the last century, according to random house - bold means i've read a least parts of it, italics mean i really want to

1. The Collected Works of Shakespeare
2. The Bible
3. Don Quixote - Cervantes
4. Homer's Iliad/Odyssey
5. Ovid's Metamorphoses
6. Finnegans Wake - Joyce
7. Oresteia of Aeschylus
8. Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu
9. The Brothers Karamazov - Dostoevsky
10. Alice in Wonderland - Carroll
11. To the Lighthouse - Woolf
12. 100 Years of Solitude - Garcia Marquez
13. Pale Fire - Nabokov
14. Divine Comedy - Dante
15. Poems of Wallace Stevens
16. Arabian Nights
17. War and Peace - Tolstoy
18. Beloved - Morrison
19. Collected Fictions of Jorge Luis Borges
20 Heart of Darkness - Conrad
21. Anecdotes of Destiny - Dinesen
22. Oedipus Trilogy - Sophocles
23. Marriage of Cadmus & Harmony - Calasso
24. Katasaratsagura (Oceans of Story) Somadeva
25. Chekhov's Short Stories
26. Bhagavad Gita
27. Ulysses - Joyce
28. Grimm's Fairy Tales
29. Invisible Man - Ellison
30. Absalom Absalom - Faulkner
31. Women in Love - Lawrence
32. Lolita - Nabokov
33. Plato: Dialogues
34. Remembrance of Things Past - Proust
35. The Tin Drum- Grass
36. Flannery O'Connor: Short Stories
37. Great Expectations - Dickens
38. Molloy, Malone Dies, The Unnamable - Beckett
39. Interpretation of Dreams - Freud
40. Canterbury Tales - Chaucer
41. Four Quartets - Eliot
42. Madame Bovary - Flaubert
43. Midnight's Children - Rushdie
44. Tristram Shandy - Sterne
45. Yeats: Collected Poems
46. Golden Bough - Frazer
47. Wind in the Willows - Grahame
48. Pride and Prejudice - Austen
49. The Black Prince - Murdoch
50. Manuscript found at Saragossa Jan Potaki
51. Bacchae Euripides
52. Vanity Fair - Thackery
53. Metamorphosis - Kafka
54. Aeneid - Virgil
55. Tristan & Iseult
56. Collected Poems of William Blake
57. Golden Ass of Apuleius
58. Waiting for Godot - Beckett
59. Collected Poems of Emily Dickenson
60. Moby Dick - Melville
61. Speak, Memory - Nabokov
62. Phaedre - Racine
63. Poetics of Aristotle
64. Fathers and Sons - Turgenev
65. Lysistrata - Aristophanes
66. A Doll's House - Ibsen
67. Importance of Being Earnest - Wilde
68. Farewell to Arms - Hemingway
69. Charlotte's Web - White
70. Huckleberry Finn - Twain
71. Leaves of Grass - Whitman
72. If On a Winter's Night - Calvino
73. Jane Eyre - Bronte
74. Storyteller Maria Vargos Llosa
75. Heraclitus-Fragments
76. Wuthering Heights - Bronte
77. Epic of Gilgamesh
78. The Idiot - Dostoevsky
79. Tess of the Durbervilles - Hardy
80. Tale of Genji - Murisaki
81. Montaigne's Essays
82. Walden Henry - Thoreau
83. Native Son - Wright
84. On Nature - Emerson
85. Dr. Faustus - Marlowe
86. To Kill a Mockingbird - Lee
87. Gargantua and Pantagruel Rabelais
88. Paradise Lost - Milton
89. Tom Jones - Fielding
90. Endgame - Beckett
91. The Art of Memory -Yates
92. Middlemarch - Eliot
93. At Play in the Fields of the Lord - Matthiessen
94. All the Pretty Horses - McCarthy
95. Candide - Voltaire
96. Genealogy of Morals - Nietzsche
97. Passage to India - Forster
98. The Sea the Sea - Murdoch
99. Tristes Tropiques - Levi-Strauss
100. Their Eyes were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston

sum up!

stolen from my friend, paul:
1) was 2005 a good year for you? yes and no . . . what a non-answer. relationships blossomed and significant growth occured this year and that wasn't easy. i guess "good" is an apt word.
2) what was your favorite moment of the year? supervising the bus back from camp with the calgary kids . . . i felt like i was doing something important. (for the record, every time someone came to me for advice or prayer comes in as a close second.)
3) what was your least favorite moment of the year? experiencing disappointment with all sorts of relationships
4) where were you when 2005 began? in toronto at my parents' house
5) who were you with? my parents and sissy
6) where will you be when 2005 ends? in calgary (just barely back from mexico)
7) who will you be with when 2005 ends? janet, jeremy, jill . . . others?
8) did you keep your new year's resolution of 2005? i had an "i want this but can't do it by my own willpower" wish . . . and it did come true.
9) do you have a new years' resolution for 2006? hmm . . . maybe another wish. working on it.
10) did you make any new friends in 2005? yessir . . . so good, so good.
11) who are your favourite new friends? steve, janet, jeremy, and jill
12) what was your favourite month of 2005? may - corini came to visit and i went to kelowna.
13) did you travel outside of canada in 2005? i will on Christmas eve!
14) whch states/provinces did you travel to in 2005? back and forth between alberta & ontario, with a wee trip to kelowna, bc, in may. and i'll hit houston on Christmas eve on my way to mexico.
15) did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? my friend brandon died in may
16) did you miss anybody in the past year? aplenty
17) what was the best movie you saw in 2005? i enjoyed rewatching "love actually", "the believer" and "the apartment" . . . new movie-wise, "madagascar" was fantastic
18) what was your favourite song from 2005? it's not new, but it's new to me:"hurt"
19) what was your favorite record/cd from 2005? i don't think i bought any new albums this year . . .
20) how many concerts did you see in 2005? i can only think of three, and two of them were school-related
21) did you have a favorite concert in 2005? omara portunondo
22) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? not so much
23) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? there was that one night with the nyquil . . . i wish i were kidding
24) did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? can you imagine 365 consecutive days of not doing something shame-worth??
25) what was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? none of them were life-threatening.
26) did you treat somebody badly in 2005? i have this pattern of knowing how to be good, but ignoring that :P i can be a lousy friend at times.
27) did somebody treat you badly in 2005? yeah. i work with residents.
28) how much money did you spend in 2005? every penny the alberta government will let me use.
29) what was your proudest moment of 2005? dealing with a boundary issue in my friendship with a guy. we were both uber-mature about it, and we're better friends now! :D
30) what was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? as if.
31) what would you change if you could go back in time to any moment of 2005? i would have written my papers already
32) what are your plans for 2006? i don't love plans, but how's this: find quiet, achieve balance, be diligent, keep at that compassion thing, read for fun . . . and see my sissy graduate (before me!)

officially?

worst. student. ever.

also, disappointed to find that the old rule of blogging is true:
"interesting posts yield no comments; stupid quotes yield many."
shame, shame.

no more john.

just had my last exam. just papers left.

amanda shared this quote with the world:
"we were incompatible in a lot of ways. like for example, i was a night person, and he didn't like me." ~ wendy liebmann
i made me laugh. laughing is good.

calvin

i have a bible exam at 9am tomorrow, so i thought i'd spend a few moments discussing platonic forms. because i've been thinking about them. why else?

just before i posted about returning to who i used to be, i'd gone out for lunch with kevin and kat. at wendy's, of course. (where else?) ANYway, i was saying that when i was younger i wasn't so focused, but i was happier. coincidence? mmmm . . . maybe not! i played euphonium and did math and debating and writing and i loved it all . . . and i think i knew who i was. well, kat said, "yeah, but you aren't math and euph and debating and writing . . . those are just things you DO." they're things i participate in and they may describe me, but they're not me.

then stu - oh, stu - who was sitting at another booth, made some crack about what we choose to talk about - like love and life and why - and kev said, "it's like a socratic discourse." and then it clicked. and, man, when it clicks, it CLICKS.

forms.

what is the FORM of mara?

instead of focusing on the particulars, i should wallow in the universal. what am i about? not details, but real truths of me.

i struggle with role conflict, but i shouldn't. if divine simplicity is a reality, and i am to be Christlike, then i, too, should be more simple. not in the sense of "sell all your possessions" - although that, too - but in focusing less on having distinct attributes, and more on being a whole.

SO:

instead of thinking and planning and trying to be a good woman, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good residence manager, a good student, a good customer, a good neighbour, a good employee, a good Christian, a good role model, a good colleaugue, a good euphonium player, a good writer, a good debater, a good reader, a good roommate . . .

"and now you can say etc, etc" . . .

i should focus on trying to be a good human being. the rest will follow.

a. macdonald

i saw this movie with deniss on friday. it was good.

that map of narnia can get bigger by clicking here. try it. it's good.

i went to denny's on monday night for the first time in a long while. i had a super bird and great conversation with some of the people i love (namely janet, jeremy, steve, and jill). it was good.

i like conversations about philosophy and theology. especially after midnight. they are good.

i had baklava this afternoon. yeah, baklava. it was good.

life is good. and "good" is a lot. it's not just ok. it's good. like God's creation, or God Himself. it's not the be-all and end-all (as a recent late-night conversation clarified), but it's a lot.

donne

so, i'm in exams . . . and longing to get some sleep. one down, three to go. three papers left, too. clown school remains an option, but i doubt i'd do well there. which makes me sad.

proposition #1: you know you're no longer close friends when . . . . you learn about the intimate details of someone's life from his blog EVEN THOUGH YOU SEE HIM ALMOST EVERY DAY!

propostion #2: ignoring work doesn't help you get it done faster. no, no, no . . . trust me on this one.

proposition #3: "so i married an axe murderer" has an excellent soundtrack:


marry him or marry me,
i'm the one that loves you, baby, can't you see?
i ain't got no future or a family tree,
but i know what a prince and lover ought to be,
i know what a prince and lover ought to be...

said, if you want to call me baby - just go ahead, now
and if you'd like to tell me maybe - just go ahead, now
and if you wanna buy me flowers - just go ahead, now
and if you'd like to talk for hours - just go ahead, now
~spin doctors, "two princes"


i often feel like the prodigal son
take all i need, giving back none
our beauty shows in such different ways
you're like the light behind the fog
so soft
but still you burn my eyes away
~toad the wet sprocket, "brother"

i've had profound thoughts lately . . . but let's save those for later.

happy two weeks 'til Christmas!

feast of quizzes

our greek quiz got postponed. enjoy this in its absence.

feast of song

follow me down to the valley below
you know
moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul
~porcupine tree, lazarus

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
~the postal service, such great heights

i miss corini.

feast of elexmas

get out your golf pencils, folks, and make room on your lawns! there's an election on the way!

i think jack layton can be inarticulate and silly, but i still vote ndp because i agree with most of their policies: lower tuition, combat global poverty, build schools and hospitals. oh, and do something nice for the environment. i'd rather a leader who was inarticulate about great things than a leader who eloquently defended tax breaks and "an end to cronyism." also, i was born and raised leftist. can't argue with that!

jack layton's wife and toronto city councillor olivia chow, is taking another run at trinity-spadina. last i heard, tony ianno needs to go. after thirteen years in parliament, wouldn't you need a break? so, if you live there (which is unlikely), vote chow. with university being in session for this election, the 18-24 crowd might tip the scales toward ndp. yaaaay! because one seat in parliament can change the world!

also, because this isn't just about the liberals, check out rick mercer's take on stephen harper's approach to campaigning. note: not rated pg!

henri bourassa: to govern is to have the courage, at a given moment, to risk defeat in order to maintain a principle.
wilfred laurier (then prime minister): ah my dear young friend, you have not a practical mind.
a few days later, bourassa announced his resignation from the liberal party.

feast of doubt

we just hit the "doubting thomas" passage in my john class this morning. what does it mean to not see and yet believe? what is the basis of belief? fun questions for an 8:15 class. anyway, i check my email and get this from demotivators. beautiful irony.

feast of love

this has been clanging around in my head for some time . . . it's finally making it on here.

i don't know what to do to ease your mind
i don't have the perfect word to make it fine
i'm not so qualified for sympathy
still i am not without love

psalm number four falls on your grieving ear
yes, i believe the peace of Christ is near
and i am here in His Name
you'd do the same, you'd do the same...

if you'll let me close
closer than a brother
if you'll let me love you
we'll sit here and cry

~smalltown poets

sign #7 - you have to say that

rev and i were talking after church on sunday and he was attacking some of the less-than-inspired rules at rocky. this was both entertaining and welcome: i've always enjoyed arguing, particularly about things that matter to me.

i was passionately [roll your eyes now] defending some policies and steve said, almost apologetically, "well, i know you're the residence manager, so you have to say that." i felt the strong implication that he didn't want to put me in a position to defend things i didn't really agree with, which is considerate :) (steve, feel free to clarify your intentions, if you must!) i said, "well, i actually believe this, or i wouldn't have taken the job."

i've been thinking since. wouldn't it be sad if the only reason i defended things was that i felt i had to, as an extension of my role? shouldn't we take on jobs and roles we believe in? we wouldn't have to work up the *whatever-it-takes* to toe the line; it would just come naturally because we own it.

yeah, there are always times when you have to submit to authority and follow your supervisor's direction on something, even though you may disagree. but at times like that, i remember that my value system includes respect for and submission to superiors, and sometimes that value has to trump my personal opinion.

anyway, at the end of the day, i don't think you can sell anything until you've bought in.

so, to clear the air: "remember, i'm not just the manager of res @ rocky, i'm also a client."

sign #6 - office hours

i have cried on four distinct occasions in the last 48 hours. (btw, every time, i've had someone there who supported me through it . . . such a blessing.) sometimes there's so much going on inside, and life has to go on: papers, presentations, work, friendships . . . ob-la-di, ob-la-da, and all that. it seems so silly!

one of the tough issues in my life is leadership. my mom and i chatted about this over the weekend, and my boss and i discussed it again. to lead . . .

transitive senses:
1 a : to guide on a way especially by going in advance b : to direct on a course or in a direction c : to serve as a channel for

strange how that doesn't help much - though, to be honest, more than i expected. when zed was my program director at camp, he said that i tend to pause before i do things. i seem to ask myself, "can i really do this?" and, at camp at least, i would normally dive in. but the pause - the deep breath - was still there. lately, i've been living in the pause. how do i get past that?

a group of brass players have been kind enough to enfold me into their little ensemble for some carolling-type activities. this excites me beyond measure. i still have the ticket from the last concert i played in - may 2000 - and i miss it muchly. plus, brass quartet - how cool is that?

playing my euphonium yesterday, i realized that i need to find myself again. on monday i told someone that i couldn't write poetry . . . and then mentioned that i'd won a prize for a remembrance day poem i wrote 13 years ago. he said, "so why are you saying you can't write poetry?" as if our chronological distance from that event had no impact on my skills. maybe it doesn't. maybe i need to remember who i used to be, the things i loved - math, music, writing, thinking - and make time for them.

sign #5 - opened up my eyes

totally have "the sign" by ace of base stuck in my head. that was half a lifetime ago, when i was a wee 12-year-old in grade 7! and "all that she wants" brings back some awesome memories, too. djs, streamers, amazing lighting, and that sinking feeling at the end of junior high dances. anyone with me?

i got a new life
you would hardly recognize me
i'm so glad
how can a person like me care for you?
why do i bother
when you're not the one for me?
oo-oo oo oo-oo
is enough, enough?

i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
i saw the sign
life is demanding without understanding
i saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
i saw the sign
no one's gonna drag you up
to get into the light where you belong
but where do you belong?

p.s. please, don't read into this!

sign #4 - must be funny, in a rich man's world

oh, money. how you taunt me. maybe i'll do this:

sign #3 - oh, family

i talked to my mom for an hour yesterday, and solicited my parents' advice last week, too. corina is supposed to call me today, and i'm writing a paper on a guy she introduced me to three years ago (savonarola). i'm waiting on a reply from ioana, but we're both lousy about keeping in touch.

i love my daddy.
i love my mommy.
i love my sissies.

in my heart, it's officially that sentimental time of year. i know, i know, that could refer to any time, but i'm actually talking about christmas.

sign #2 - take 3

i was thinking about how sometimes my life works in cycles: two years ago i felt like i was re-experiencing my life from two years before that. today i was wondering if that'll happen again. two year cycles, man. they're nuts.

then i read this on trevor's blog. coincidence?? i think not. so, i'm reflecting now, too.

10 years ago:
- i was in my last year of junior high
- my closest friends were valeria, monica, natalie, and dhruv
- i met g. mango, a self-proclaimed "jesus freak" and informed her that i was "not religious"
- i was about to start liking won, who would become my first boyfriend
- i was taking grade 10 math with the best math school ever!
- i loved the euphonium
- i cried a lot
- i watched "friends" obsessively
- i wore baby t-shirts and overalls

5 years ago:
- i was in my first year of university
- my closest friends at school were melanie and julianna
- i hated economics and loved calculus
- i liked eating dinner in an academic gown
- i cried less
- i had begun competitively debating

1 year ago:
- i was in my first year at rocky
- i realized i was pretty liberal for a bible college in alberta
- i was a month into a new job, which is . . . scary
- i had very little hair
- i didn't really have close friends at school, but nav and fil and i were getting closer
- my church didn't have pastors, and i really wanted a chance to preach

1 day ago:
- i went to class at 8:17 and thought about islam
- i had a meeting with my department and thought about being single (*this* is why, g.mango! couples surround me!)
- i slept most of the day and thought about avoiding all-nighters in the future
- i talked to both lysa and danielle and thought about my job
- i went to class at 6:31 and thought about wisdom
- i cleaned my apartment, watched "the manchurian candidate", and thought about conspiracies
- i talked to steve on the phone, and thought about God

sign #1 - deja blog

so, cheniese quoted jars of clay while listening to johnny cash . . . it was too crazy a coincidence not to mention. been thinking about "worlds apart" while listening to "hurt" and "bridge over troubled water" . . . which prolly makes me sound depressed. but i'm not depressed. i'm pensive. anyway, here are some lyrics to make you ponder and . . . pense?

---

from "worlds apart" by jars of clay:

it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
...
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
...
take my world apart, take my world apart
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart


there was a time in my life, not so long ago, when this song was all that i could pray . . . and so few people around me knew it. there was a battle inside that, looking back, could have ended very differently were it not for grace. were it not for my conviction that God was better than anything i could conjure up on my own.

---

from "hurt" - johnny cash's cover of nine inch nails:

what have i become,
my sweetest friend?
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all:
my empire of dirt,
i will let you down,
i will make you hurt.

i don't cut. i don't do drugs. but, then again, self-destructive behaviour doesn't have to be physical to devastate.

---

from "bridge over troubled water", which has been covered by so many people that i don't know who wrote it:

when you're weary, feeling small,
when tears are in your eyes, i will dry them all;
i'm on your side,
when times get rough
and friends just can't be found,
like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down.
like a bridge over troubled water
i will lay me down.

the rest of the song is great, too . . . but two friends of mine, and Jesus, both lived this for me last week. i love them so. all three of them.

i am getting the message

patience is the word of the week. seriously. leslie wrote about it, quoting "charlotte's web". it came up in psalms & wisdom class last night. and, most significantly, it's something i need to learn right now.

in that class, by the way, we were asked to invent proverbs about patience. i haven't quite finished tweaking the wording yet, but here's one i'm trying to work out:

blessed is he who lives by patience, for hope will always keep him company. but pity the man who lives by impatience, for he resents the wait and cannot cherish his object once he receives it.

i am overwhelmed

sigh.

the beauty of the writing on "star trek: the next generation" never ceases to amaze me. i mean, yeah, it was hit-and-miss. but the hits were so good! take this gem: in the series finale q is once again putting humanity on trial. after successfully saving humanity, picard hopes that he will never find himself in that courtroom again.

q: you just don't get it, do you, jean-luc? the trial never ends. we wanted to see if you had the ability to expand your mind and your horizons ... and for one brief moment you did.
picard: when i realized the paradox.
q: exactly. for that one fraction of a second, you were open to options you had never considered. that is the exploration that awaits you: not mapping stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possibilities of existence.

sometimes ideas are so beautiful they make me want to cry. is that ok?

p.s.i found a wonderful parody of this, my fav episode of st:tng. enjoy! it only makes sense if you've seen the ep, or read the script.

i am overthinking . . . but less than before

so, i've decided to relax, and let things happen. i mean, i'll do what i need to do, but there's really no point in stressing over little things. or even over big things in which i have little say or control. so, that's my policy for the day.

yesterday, i drank earl grey tea for what i think was the second time in my life. it was in the context of a "london fog" which, for the record, is yummy. of course, i ended up thinking about star trek throughout the day ("tea, earl grey, hot!") and, when i woke up at 1:30am and couldn't sleep, threw "all good things" (the last episode of tng) on. it made me happy and, more importantly (at least at the time) made me sleep.

i am thinking

sometimes i think in my head.
sometimes i think in my journal.
sometimes i think on my blog.
sometimes i think on here.

i am a thief

when someone tells you they love you, it should never be a surprise. you should have assumed as much long before they work up the whatever it takes to tell you.
~fil

sayin' "i love you"
is not the words i want to hear from you
it's not that i want you
not to say it, but if you only knew
how easy it would be to show me how you feel
more than words is all you have to do to make it real
then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'cause i'd already know
~extreme, "more than words"

"dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
~1 john 3:18

i am famous

check out page 4

i am blessed

today deniss made me aware of how blessed i am. in separate conversations with him last year i articulated two wishes:

the first was that i wanted to be more compassionate. if you've read the posts below, you know that this one's definitely in the works! God is good, and He's teaching me so much about love and friendship right now.

the other wish is a bit too personal to divulge online, but, basically, i wished for a situation which is now happening, and which is causing me stress. which goes to show you that a) you should be careful what you wish for, and b) mara is never satisfied. although, to be fair, i did say, "i wish X . . . although that would probably be hard to deal with." so, i knew it would be complicated. and it is.

in other news, i'm going to listen to this song at least five times this evening. this is just an excerpt.

run to the water
and find me there
burnt to the core but not broken
we'll cut through the madness
of these streets below the moon
with a nuclear fire of love in our hearts
rest easy baby, rest easy
and recognize it all as light and rainbows
smashed to smithereens and be happy
run to the water (and find me there)
run to the water

~live

k&m-'pa-sh&n...

is something i usually have to work up. i struggle, 'cause i can't get inside the head and heart of someone else very easily.

but there's hurt, you know?

people i know are hurting.

eating disorders.

self-injury.

abandonment.

self-hate.

fear.

i just want to throw up, and cry, and punch something.

all at once.

these hurts have taken on new meaning for me as i've realized how many people around me carry around pain and shame and stuff i've never experienced. sometimes, even though you haven't been through the same experience, you can relate to the struggle. not so here. see, it's not just that the plotline of their lives is vastly different from my own, although that's true. it's that their internal stories are different.

love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." this i can handle. but right now, it's hard to look at life and see how "love never fails" isn't b.s.

oh

i wish my tears could cure. i would cry on your wounds.

i wish my kisses could heal. i would kiss your scars.

i wish my love could mend what hate and fear have done.

how can love be so big that it seems to stretch me to the point of bursting - as if it wants to rush out, overflowing - yet be too small to even soothe - let alone alleviate - pain?

i'm so small.

ode to fil

fil's latest post reminded me - once again - how much i miss her.

"refreshingly heretical"

i was described thus in greek class today. it's ok, though, because some foreign guy said it.

i thought it was funny, particularly because it was inspired by my translation of part of colossians 1:16. the nasb has it as "for by him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible," while i said, "for by him all things were created in the heavens and on the earth, the visibles and the invisibles". i like making words up.

well, maybe what actually prompted my dear friend to threaten me with burning at the stake was my confussion as to the meaning of the anarthrous "eikon" in verse 15 - a favourite of jehovah's witnesses. meh. this is my thing: challenge scripture all you want. if it's true, it'll survive your critical examination. so far, so good.

also, fyi: being wrong about something doesn't make you a heretic. i would have to be one who dissents from an accepted belief or doctrine. which i'm not. though, you know, try me tomorrow.

:D

it's a sign

i started signing again yesterday. not singing, although i had to do that, too. see, the two songs i love signing most as my wake-up songs are on cds i lost at camp. i was at camp for nine days altogether and lost two cds. [tear]

so i sang. but that isn't the point. the point is, i'm signing again. the reason i needed to this morning was that i tend to wake up thinking about something i want that isn't God. and i think it's cool to want things other than God, but i really think He should be what i want most. 'cause i realized this week that unless God is my first love, there can be no second love.

so i signed this:

i could live life alone
and never fill the longings of my heart
the healing warmth of someone's arms
and i could live without dreams
and never know the thrill of what could be
with every star so far and out of reach
i could live without many things
and i could carry on, but...

i couldn't face my life tomorrow
without Your hope in my heart, i know
i can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all i do
i can't live a day without You

i could travel the world
see all the wonders beautiful and new
they'd only make me think of You
and i could have all life offers
riches that were far beyond compare
to grant my every wish without a care
oh, i could do anything,
but if You weren't in it all...

i couldn't face my life tomorrow
without Your hope in my heart, i know
i can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all i do
i can't live a day without You

oh, Jesus, i live because You live
You're like the air i breathe
oh, Jesus, i have because You give
You're everything to me

hey, g. mango, i first heard this at lpc. 'member? craziness.

'cause i have nothing to say that's of my own creation . . .

where do i go to sign up for this team? one of the guys in res is on the competitive sitting and drinking chocolate milk team . . . but i don't think i'm quite ready for that yet.











in other news, we got our rmc hoodies today! they're comfy and oversized and have REALLY long hood stringy things. but, yeah. they're super. which reminds me of this . . .















skoch, this one's for you . . .











and, just for good measure - because we are ALL about the good measure around here! - here's one more. yay, toothpaste for dinner! thanks for giving me something to post when i don't feel like trying to make something up.

counting down

when i attended peter and amanda's wedding this past summer, something occured to me: the day amanda had been counting down to - not just since they got engaged but probably since she was a little girl - had come. there's so much anticipation for that, and it had arrived for her. how cool is that?

it's finally happened: a friend of mine from high school is engaged. another friend asked me why i always sound so painfully single on my blog, and that's not my intention. it's just that i'm reminded quite often that people around me are finding partners to share life with, and it makes me warm and fuzzy and hopeful and, yes, even sometimes anxious, inside. but it's all good. no, really.

we're growing up, i guess. don't know whether to laugh or cry. why choose?

well, colour me green

no surprises here: the true colours test tells me i'm green. somewhat terrifying is the fact that gold was tied with blue for second place. GOLD!?! me??? yikes. yikes, i say.

more inane internet games

go to google, type in "[your first name] needs" and search. oh, put your first name in there, not [your first name]. the latter doesn't yield very interesting stuff. list your top ten results.

(for those who don't know, aside from having the most charming meaning *ever*, my name is also the handle used by the hindu god of death. which may explain some of the results below.)

mara needs to get the goddesses to leave earth - either by returning them to heaven, swallowing them up with the soujinki, or whatever.
from the same site: "to improve my standing within hell is my goal." can i just say that THIS mara does NOT share that goal :P

mara needs something conventional medicine cannot supply.
any suggestions?

the type of assistance that mara needs for balance.
includes someone to walk beside her?

the buddha needs mara in order to grow beautifully as a flower and also mara needs the buddha, because mara has a certain role to play.
and what might that be?

to change behavior, mara needs to get its ideas into that master plan.
i'm *assuming* "mara" is an acronym . . .

mara needs to get into the sleeper's room somehow, possibly through a keyhole or window. if all entrances are locked, she cannot continue her seduction.
i've run into that problem many a time, believe you me!

mara needs her rest.
that she do

the mara needs no introduction.
this time they're talking about the river in africa, i think

mara needs to be able to transfer data between an overall layer and a software package they use for planning purposes.
you know, i wouldn't file this under "need". to me this is just a deep spiritual desire.

mara needs all her naturals wits, talents and beauty just to survive from her enemies.
in that case, i think i'll do fine!

one more for good measure:
mara needs to stay focused on the academic goals she's set.
i'm going to go do just that!

some interesting developments

on saturday night, i attended vespers at an orthodox church. there was something stirring and powerfully beautiful about the service. even though they did try to convert us. i think i'll go back some time. it wasn't just the nostalgia factor that was nice.

i slept in yesterday and just missed my train, so i ended up going to steve's church. this may sound silly, but it's nice to have people of different ethnicities in a service. kensington road church is a very gentle place, filled with kind people. not just friendly, you know? it was great to worship with them, even if i was worried about cramping steve's style. it's occured to me recently that the way i've invaded his group of friends, though now welcome, may have been hard for him to take initially. i should apologize for that or something.

kevin and i had a brilliant brainstorm today, giving the world conclusive proof: God has lunch at wendy's, guys! at least He did today. it may just be a monday thing. anyway, since i'm a biblical studies major and he's in systematic theology, kevin and i share a frustration with practicum prospects. then this occured to us: what if we put together and then teach an evening class at our college? we got super excited and started talking details. we'd be focussing on hermeneutics - a basic "how do i read my bible" kinda course. we should have a spiritual theology major on board, and steve is the natural choice. we'd be looking at winter '07, and advertising to churches nearby.

we drove back to school, ran into steve, and shared our idea with him. then we ran up and talked to prof mealey. he liked it. SO the next step is to put together a formal proposal to sell mealey, knudtson and (potentially) peasgood on it. wow, if this works out as envisioned, it should be amazing.

later in the afternoon, i had a difficult conversation in which someone (who barely knows me, by the way) diagnosed some of my theological questions - particularly on the issue of women and ministry, something i've really been wrestling with - as fear and doubt. to me, assuming so is intellectual suicide. anyway, apparently i'm just trying to excuse myself from doing God's will. i could mock this for pages and pages, but the reality is, it really hurt. i have legitimate struggles - not just intellectual ones but heart and soul, flesh and blood stuff. hearing it minimized was humiliating. i'm sure this guy meant well, but his good intentions mean little to me right now. thankfully, i didn't stand alone against him: a friend of mine defended and supported me, reiterating his respect for me. i came out of the experience hurt and frustrated, but also more secure in our friendship.

so, it's been an interesting (the MOST non-commital word ever!) few days. up, mostly, with a little down. but i'm doing better in my heart, and i feel realer than i have in a while. always good.

i love my mommy . . .

in response to a quasi-crisis i'm going through, my mom just introduced to my new best friend: simone de beauvoir.

For a long time I have hesitated to write a book on woman. The subject is irritating, especially to women; and it is not new. Enough ink has been spilled in quarrelling over feminism, and perhaps we should say no more about it. It is still talked about, however, for the voluminous nonsense uttered during the last century seems to have done little to illuminate the problem. After all, is there a problem? And if so, what is it? Are there women, really? Most assuredly the theory of the eternal feminine still has its adherents who will whisper in your ear: "Even in Russia women still are women"; and other erudite persons - sometimes the very same - say with a sigh: "Woman is losing her way, woman is lost." One wonders if women still exist, if they will always exist, whether or not it is desirable that they should, what place they occupy in this world, what their place should be. "What has become of women?" was asked recently in an ephemeral magazine.
from "the second sex", 1949, emphasis added

hey, mr. tallyman . . .

make that six!

oh, what fun!

it's my rebirth-day today.

i'm eight, actually.

i feel younger and older at the same time.

you know?

it's not really a party day.

more of that "not questioning any major doctrines, not falling apart at the seams, but in need of prayer" kinda stuff.

this time, it's about God.

so at least it's actually important . . . you know, in the ultimate sense.

i am eight.

sideways, that's infinity.

strangely coincidental that where i am is perpendicular to where God is.

at least we intersect.

maybe, if i want to better understand God, i should lie down.

what do i mean?

mara alexandra apostol
bitter, defender of men, one sent

:)

unofficially yours . . .

maybe tennyson got it wrong. maybe, in reality, it's in the *fall* that "a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love."

i'm counting . . . yeah, i know at least FIVE couples that have made it official over the last four weeks. that's a lot, isn't it?

you're prolly thinking, "so, mara, how do you feel about that?" glad you asked. i'm really happy for each individual couple! it just seems like a lot of people all at once. i mean, i'm with nav on this one, mostly. it's nice when other people are happy. but i don't think i'm quite as content with my singlehood as she is.

in other news, i had a great weekend! flew to toronto on friday afternoon, arriving at 9pm local time. reconnecting with dani after eight years was crazy! wonderful, but strange, you know? so much has changed for all three of us (ah, the dani, mari, cori clan), but so much is the same. still can't believe she flew me out there.

saturday was a whirlwind: we had a late breakfast, went to pick up tickets for a concert, met up with cori's boyfriend (who passed my "yam test"), watched "the neverending story", had sushi (it was pretty bad for me), met up with natalie and biplob and went to a romanian concert. except the concert ended up not working out too well for us, and we left. cori is working on getting us refunds :( ended the evening off at futures, a bakery in toronto that's right near the uni campus. don't know how i went to school there for three years without spending money on those amazing cakes, but we made up for it saturday night. by the time we got home, we were pretty pooped. (yeah, i did say "pooped"! how cool am i?!)

got up at 6:30 sunday and we left for the airport about an hour later. the plane left at 9:10 and - after enjoying "bewitched" as the inflight movie, sleeping, and reading ONE chapter of my history of xnty textbook - landed at 11:15 local time. it took me until 1:15 to get home.

realized i had missed res so much.

bought stuff and made food and got dressed just in time for steve to pick me up for the theology potluck. the diversity within our department is so beautiful to me. it really blows me away to look around at these people: amanda, michelle, kevin, kat, steve, melanie, barron, faith, abel, joyce peasgood, and paul knudtson. they each bring such valuable things to the table. even aside from the food, i mean :) anyway, i really enjoyed the evening.

rocky hockey started last night at 10:30, so we went off to that after the supper. the fan turnout was encouraging :D do you ever feel like you need permission to be loud? that's what i love about watching live sports . . it's totally expected. free at last, free at last. etc. got home at 1:15, which means i'd been up for 21 hours :P i slept on the couch, my room still being a disaster.

and now it's monday. and i need a weekend to recover. wish we could buy weekends and just use them whenever it's convenient. like, every other day.

p.s. some have mentioned that i haven't been really updating. clearly, i've made up for that with this crazy-long post!

one hundred things to do instead of, you know, living

top 100 movies according to imdb. i've seen some of them. by the way, i'm pretty impressed with the diversity represented on this list. A+

1. The Godfather (1972)
2. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
4. The Godfather: Part II (1974)
5. Shichinin no samurai (1954)
6. Schindler's List (1993)
7. Casablanca (1942)
8. Star Wars (1977)
9. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
10. Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966)
11. Pulp Fiction (1994)
12. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
13. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
14. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
15. Rear Window (1954)
16. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
17. Citizen Kane (1941)
18. Cidade de Deus (2002)
19. The Usual Suspects (1995)
20. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
21. 12 Angry Men (1957)
22. C'era una volta il West (1968)
23. Memento (2000)
24. North by Northwest (1959)
25. Psycho (1960)
26. Goodfellas (1990)
27. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
28. Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, Le (2001)
29. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
30. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
31. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
32. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
33. American Beauty (1999)
34. The Matrix (1999)
35. Fight Club (1999)
36. Apocalypse Now (1979)
37. Vertigo (1958)
38. The Pianist (2002)
39. Paths of Glory (1957)
40. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
41. Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
42. Taxi Driver (1976)
43. The Third Man (1949)
44. Se7en (1995)
45. Hotel Rwanda (2004)
46. Boot, Das (1981)
47. Léon (1994)
48. M (1931)
49. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
50. Double Indemnity (1944)
51. Singin' in the Rain (1952)
52. Chinatown (1974)
53. Crash (2004)
54. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
55. Some Like It Hot (1959)
56. Rashômon (1950)
57. L.A. Confidential (1997)
58. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
59. All About Eve (1950)
60. Untergang, Der (2004)
61. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
62. American History X (1998)
63. Million Dollar Baby (2004)
64. Modern Times (1936)
65. Alien (1979)
66. Raging Bull (1980)
67. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
68. The Incredibles (2004)
69. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
70. Vita è bella, La (1997)
71. The Sting (1973)
72. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
73. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
74. Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
75. Amadeus (1984)
76. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
77. The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
78. The Shining (1980)
79. The Great Escape (1963)
80. City Lights (1931)
81. On the Waterfront (1954)
82. The Apartment (1960)
83. Aliens (1986)
84. Ran (1985)
85. The Wizard of Oz (1939)
86. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
87. Metropolis (1927)
88. Sin City (2005)
89. Touch of Evil (1958)
90. Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)
91. The Great Dictator (1940)
92. Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
93. Braveheart (1995)
94. Donnie Darko (2001)
95. Jaws (1975)
96. Strangers on a Train (1951)
97. Nuovo cinema Paradiso (1989)
98. High Noon (1952)
99. Finding Nemo (2003)
100. Fargo (1996)

simple

maybe it isn't so complicated after all. maybe, despite all the wordy descriptions of the Christian life, it's not so difficult. maybe it's painfully, mysteriously, wonderfully simple. maybe it's like this: love aggressively and stand humbly by the truth.

(maybe geoff ryan is a genius.)

because this is essential stuff

as always, i'm inspired by other blogging friends. (non-blogging friends inspire me, too. no worries!)

seven things i plan to do before i die:
1) write at least two books (i already have titles and premises in mind)
2) get married
3) have children
4) take my children and husband to romania
5) give sermons or teach adults on a regular basis
6) spend time in south america and both koreas
7) come up with hundreds of things i want to do

seven things i can do:
1) cry
2) laugh
3) sympathize - this is a new one for me!
4) analyse
5) rise to the occasion
6) dream
7) hope

seven things i cannot do:
1) drive a car
2) conjugate in romanian
3) remember how to sign the word "enough"
4) research
5) dribble a basketball with my head up
6) pray for very long
7) make it through "sister act" without crying

seven things i find attractive about the opposite sex:
1) taller than me - my mom has ingrained that preference in me!
2) vulnerability - i feel safest when i know we're both vulnerable
3) intelligence - and not just about God-stuff
4) excellence - in almost any area
5) sobriety - approaching life as it is, without rose-coloured glasses, but with hope
6) intercession - it is so moving to know that someone is talking to God about my struggles!
7) tenderness - there's no substitute

seven things i say the most:
1) "wow."
2) "holy crap/cow/snot/crow!"
3) "you think?"
4) "i love you so much..."
5) "shut up!"
6) "really?"
7) "well, my bible says . . . "

seven books i love:
1) "bridge to terabithia" - katherine patterson
2) "what's so amazing about grace?" - philip yancey
3) "a chair for my mother" - vera b. williams
4) "murder on the orient express" - agatha christie
5) "the trial and death of socrates" - plato
6) "fugitive pieces" - anne michaels
7) "the chosen" - chiam potok

so, i'm sitting in tim hortons . . .

. . . and the song "it's in his kiss" comes on. you know, "does he love me, i wanna know; how can i tell if he loves me so?"

here's a great collection of tips for guys wondering "does she love me?" anyone available to write a version for women?

p.s. it's not rated pg.

twenty-three

wiseman tagged me.

1. find your archive.
2. find your twenty-third post.
3. find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. tag five other people to do the same.

the fifth sentence of my twenty-third post was:

"the woods are lovely, dark, and deep."*

i'm tagging: g.mango, skoch, fil, kevin, and nav.

mwahaha.

* incidentally, i've been thinking about that frost poem lately. weird.

like an ogre, only smaller

well, it has layers, anyway. i used to read the onion quite regularly, but i've gotten out of the habit. just checked back: still funny, still potentially offensive. check out this satirical newspaper's stories on census issues, intelligent design, and archaeological finds, among other things.

always right

yesterday's song made a lot of sense to me. recently, i've been intentionally trying to figure out how to be a good friend. it's all inspired by one friend of mine - someone i care deeply about - who has been going through a lot. there is so much i want to say, but - as it turns out - i don't know how to show support, give comfort, encourage, or in any other way help.

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

wow.

i try to tell myself that it is complicated: gotta have the right words at the right time and so on. maybe that's all wrong, though.

shouldn't be so complicated

spent the afternoon with amanda a. at costco and ikea. listened to some good ol' tunes. in 2001, this band was opening for someone else i liked (can't remember who) and i so wanted to go see them in toronto. alas, it didn't work out. to make up for that, we listened to their second album a few hundred times today.

any song that starts with "and" is sure to win my heart. here's one now:

and if i fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
and if i get too tired to make it
be my breath so i can walk

and if i need some other love then
give me more than i can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around i'll smile again

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together
keep breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent

and if i couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
i know you think i need a lot

i started out clean but i'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin

chorus

start bending me
it's never enough
i feel all your pieces
start bending me
keep bending me until
i'm completely broken in

shouldn't be so complicated
just touch me and then
just touch me again

can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together
keep breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent
and without understanding

hell, i'll go there again
can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together.
you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent.
~matchbox twenty

despite appearances. . .

oh, skoch. you and i both know that you're a lifelong member of the "not attracted to mara" club. now that you and josh have designed your t-shirts, any claims to the contrary could result in being disfellowshipped by said club. careful!

in that spirit, i was thinking today that there are several good reasons why skoch and i could never and should never date:
10) skoch and socks? he's a goat and i'm a fashionable accessory. we're practically from two different worlds! ;)
9) the age difference is troublesome. i prefer guys who are at least six years younger or ten years older.
8) he's prettier than me.
7) i'm not sure i embody the "spirit of randomness" . . .
6) we're far too comfortable with each other. dating should be all about awkward silences and misunderstandings.
5) too many people think we're engaged. i don't like giving in to the general consensus.
4) i'm not sure if he's pre-trib or post-trib, and that's a deal-breaker.
3) he has dated a close friend of mine. to me, that makes him off-bounds.
2) i really do try not to date guys who aren't attracted to me.
1) most importantly, if i were dating skoch, whose shoulder would i cry on when we ran into problems?

reasons why we should date (i could only think of three)
3) when two worlds come together - like birds of different feathers - there's joy in the air, and what a pair we'd make together.
2) he's got the sentimentality thing down to an art.
1) dating each other and then breaking up would guarantee that we both get married in the next 2 years!

heart stuff

here's a quick summary:

platonic friendship is amazing. it says, "my agenda, if i have one at all, is to know you, not to get something from you." that's a huge compliment, i figure. not to mention that it's a great opportunity to have meaningful exchanges about all sorts of subjects, without the distraction of DTR. yeah, it's great. except it blows.

i mean, there comes a point - there must be a critical mass that tips the scales - where i start to wonder why it's always platonic. i have developed the following theory: i'm wonderful - a loyal friend, a good conversationalist, pensive, intelligent, genuinely seeking after God, occasionally funny, unsentimentally compassionate, playful, analytical, fairly laid-back, strong-willed but flexible, understanding but not compromising, cute as a button on alternate tuesdays, etc - but i'm not beautiful.

you know what's funny about that? anyone who says "oh, mara, yes you are!", however sincere, doesn't understand what i mean. i don't mean that i'm ugly, or that i have nothing to offer, or whatever. i mean that men are attracted to me (to the friendship i offer, the conversation i provide, my company, my advice, whatever) only to a point. like, consistently. i have little doubt that i'm wonderful. but it'll take one special guy choosing me as i choose him to convince me that i'm beautiful.

and it's not Jesus.

here's why: i'm not talking about my self-worth. this isn't, like, fundamental to my existence - i need God for *that*. but i believe - and reading "wild at heart" is definitely confirming - that there are needs in me that people are meant to fulfill. so, forgive me for saying this, but maybe God is enough in the ultimate sense: He provides everything we need. that doesn't mean that His presence is all we need. does it?

(wow, this is super personal. eek.)

the questions that always come up at bible college . . .

. . . you'd think they'd be more centred on issues of theology or ethics, but no. they're basic, though philosophical: what does it mean to be a man? what does it mean to be a woman? how do relationships work? is there an implicit promise made during flirting?

all this and more.

oh, by the way, that's not in class. that's in social situations.

speaking of social situations, i had a fun one last night(!!!). the ras (whom i love and admire more than words can say) came over after kat had her student union meeting, so there was a little overlap hang-outtage. a very relaxing time.

school is fairly close to insane and i'm experiencing stress at work, so prayers are still appreciated. but life is good, love is better, and God is best.

on the heart front, things are going much better. i figured out (read: God filled me in on) what the problem was, so that's helped a LOT. but i have little idea of how to solve it. maybe God will fill me in on that, too.

ever had this happen?

there are people with whom it takes effort to socialize. let's call them acquaintances. obviously, not everyone feels this way about my acquaintances, since the latter do have great friends who care about them. anyway, for me, it can be hard. so, whatever, you excuse yourself, right?

but what if your only opportunities to socialize with people you care about come when acquaintances are around?

ick.

it just ain't fair.

i would be . . .

convinced of my deception
i've always been a fool
i fear this love reaction
just like You said i would

a rose could never lie
about the love it brings
and i could never promise
to be any of those things

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken
growing old
i would be...
i would be...
i would be...

blessed are the shallow
depth they'll never find
seems to be some comfort
in rooms i try to hide

exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken
growing old
i would be...
i would be...
i would be...

...frail

if you don't mind . . .

i'm not falling apart at the seams or doubting any major doctrines . . . but prayer would be appreciated. sometimes mara's little heart needs a lot of help from God. thanks, friend.

in her prime

my little sister is 23. that's a whole lot, i think. it's the last prime number before 29, and that's RIGHT before 30. so, yeah, she's getting to be a big girl. she's even kinda dating someone. (that's the most accurate description i can give.)

cori . . . my best friend for as along as i can remember. such a kindred spirit. such an anchor. such a goofball. the girl who will laugh at my wedding because she knows how dumb i've been before. the girl who'll have me as her maid of honour because she thinks i would "give a kick-ass speech." she grows by leaps and bounds, it seems. hasn't arrived yet, of course. but who has?

happy birthday, sissy! i love you so much.

sometimes i feel . . .

. . . like a motherless child . . . a long way from home.

i miss my mom and dad and sissies today. so much of the day is spent thinking and talking - about euthyphro (be still, my beating heart) or relationships or home decor or family or theology or whatever - that it's unsurprising that i miss the dinner table conversation we used to have at home.

when i was there in july, my mom and i had a pretty awesome argument (well, heated debate, anyway) about terrorism as a tactic and appropriate responses thereto. our first conversation when i get off the plane usually revolves around books and movies and the news. last night i was telling kat that i couldn't bring home a man who wasn't intelligent, and i'm seeing the soundness of that assessment more and more each hour.

but it's not just about my family's expectations. it's that they remind me what my own expectations are, when i'm honest with myself. when i look through their eyes, there's some fuzziness and distortion for sure. but, in the final analysis, they know me as i really am.

(and they love me anyway!)

that other responsibility i have . . .

it's called school. here's the rundown:
- psalms and wisdom literature with a seminary prof from auc-nuc (ken shoemaker)
- intermediate new testament greek with paul knudtson
- gospel of john with paul knudtson
- history of christianity with paul knudtson
- new testament backgrounds with (you guessed it) paul knudtson

since kevin is putting pics of profs up on his blog, who am i to do otherwise? this is dr. knudtson, who is also the head of my program (theology: biblical studies). sadly, shoemaker is an adjunct, so i have no pics of him.

it's all been pretty intense . . . and good. smaller class sizes this year, and some pretty neat (read: intelligent and God-loving) people in all of them. i'm also trying to sit in on some of mark mealey's intro to philosophy classes, being in love with plato and all. so, yeah. i'm a student, too. it turns out.

fun textbooks include:




p.s. i often sound sarcastic when i don't intend to. i don't think any of the above was meant to be sarcastic.

p.p.s. this is my last edit: above is only one representative textbook for each of my classes. this semester, i have fourteen altogether.

why i blog . . .

i blog because:
1) i'm addicted to messing with code.
2) reading other people's blogs helps me keep in touch when i can, instead of when we can both find the time. i assume the same works for my blog.
3) there are some things that i want random feedback on.
4) mass emails tick everyone off.
5) i meet new people through blogs, and they meet me. i also reconnect with long losts.
6) i may have something to say.
7) the unexamined life is not worth living.
8) public examination can sometimes be as illuminating as private.
9) i like having a forum for expressing my love for people in my life, and for God.

that's enough for now.

p.s. why, yes, i did hear two of my friends describe why they think blogging is dumb today. but, no worries, i still love them.

bee in bonnet

do you ever feel like one nagging idea keeps getting repeated in your life? ever wonder if that's a hint from God? i don't usually have to wonder long - it's usually pretty obvious that if i'm struggling with X and three sermons/songs/random conversations relate to it within a three day period, God might be saying something. just a thought.

it's like premarital counselling

rocky is in discussions with auc-nuc . . . which should come as a surprise to no one affiliated with either school. anyway, it turns out that i get to be part of those discussions! today the student life department (gaileen, karen, lucas, mark, and i) met with their student development & pastoral care department to chat. obviously, details aren't gonna appear on here. but here is what i will say, or rather humbly ask: please pray for us as we try to figure this all out.

thanks!

can't you see that it's just raining . . .

. . . ain't no need to go outside. except that on saturday skoch and i wanted to go to walmart. so we braved the rain and wind, and ended up having a lovely time. after realizing i didn't remember what i was there to buy, we gave up on wandering the aisles aimlessly and focused on skoch's door decorations. the princess theme came together beautifully. we even (finally!) got pictures taken where we're both, you know, looking at the camera. :) and, because you can't go to walmart without stopping in at mcdonald's, we also had some dinner. over fries we shared our thoughts on the difference between a double hamburger and a big mac. then we finished up the shopping and braved more wind and less rain to go home.

sunday, we donned our uniforms (i'll admit it, mine consisted of my tunic, jeans, and pink t-shirt) and went to church. steve is preaching on spiritual warfare for the next few weeks. now there's a subject not often addressed. the foundation for speaking on the demonic and so on is most often anecdotal, but there's definitely plenty of scripture that illuminates the battle we're in. it was great to see him tackle this touchy - and timely - issue. phil locked his keys in the car and peter and amanda gave skoch a computer, so we all took the train together with a huge box. carrying that home was fun. it's all about teamwork. later, a tonne of us watched "mean girls", which continues to be a movie i love. i had actually picked it up at walmart on saturday. i finally got some reading done, realized (for sure, this time!) that i don't remember much of greek at all, and then went to bed. oh, and this morning i slept in and missed my first class. that was mara's weekend. how was yours?

now that i've done the play-by-play, here's an actual thought:
i'm a different person in different environments. at camp i'm one person, at school another. it's not that i'm intentionally deceptive: both people are equally me. it's just a matter of adaptation. with skoch at rocky . . . it's kinda neat to see two parts of me collide.

yeah, that's what it is: it's not that my worlds are colliding, it's that i'm now free to be as i am at camp AND as i am in the city. it's comfy. i like it.

so, if nothing else, that's one benefit of living in the same building as a friend who has known me for two years. i highly recommend it. also, since the above mentioned benefits are by no means exhaustive, i highly recommend friendship with skoch in particular.

time . . .

it feels like there's never enough time. i have so much on the go right now, so much i'm happy about and thinking about and want to share . . . but no time to blog it. i'll try to make it a priority in the next few days. for now, know that i'm in a really good place. and pray for my semester. it's a doozy! (flashbacks of "groundhog day" - the best movie ever made about february 2nd!)

the sky's the limit, eh?

the salvation army's youth magazine - formerly in hard copies and formerly called "the edge" - is now 100% online. it can be found here and it's abfab. check her out.

oh, and thought for the day: i am so overwhelmed by God right now that i think i may explode. He is so big and so good and i love Him muchly. sigh. joy and peace are great.

rethinking

You've probably heard it said that worship is a way of life, an attitude of the heart. Romans 12:1 tells us as much: "present your bodies as living sacrifices, for this is your spiritual act of worship." Whatever your list of "worship duties", none of it compares to laying your life down at the feet of God. But what does that look like?

Last March, a friend of mine found out he had leukemia. At 23 years old, he was given three to six months to live. When he died two months later, I struggled with God. Brandon had had dreams and goals that were never accomplished. Wasn't God supposed to give us the desires of our heart? We're not even talking about crazy dreams - he wanted to get married, to have a family and to be a youth pastor! Isn't that good stuff that God wants for us? I couldn't understand why God would cut his life short. I still don't.

But after spending the whole summer thinking about all this, here's what I came up with: God made us to dream. There's never going to be a time when I run out of dreams. In reality, there's never going to be a point when I can say, "Alright, God. I'm done now. There's nothing left that I want to do." I have my agenda, and it's an endless list of noble, wonderful things I want to get done in my life. I have my agenda, and as long as I cling to it, death will never be welcome. I have my agenda . . . but it's possible that God's may be different.

The truth is, my most important agenda item is checked off: I gave my life over to God almost eight years ago. When I did that, I was supposed to give Him my agenda, too. Not as a wish list, but rather with the words "please, edit this!" scribbled across the top. It's not my agenda that matters anymore, it's God's. When He's done all He wants to do in and through my life, I want the way I die to bring Him glory, too.

It comes to this: I'm ready to go when God says so.

i bit

you scored as primitive salvationist...

you are not ashamed of the gospel or being an out and out salvationist! you firmly believe that we are an ultra-revivalist soul saving mission to the unconverted.


what kind of salvationist are you?
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range of emotion

overwhelmed:
steve, josh, lysa, and danielle are now here. in two days, the residents arrive. (we already have one). it's been a rush of details (some slipping through the cracks) since monday. i think i've lost and found my sanity a hundred times already.

awe:
new orleans is just surreal . . . that it's happening in the wealthiest country in the world and still looks like a refugee camp makes it even harder to take in. send help: www.salvationarmy.ca is one way.

anxiety:
greek. just around the corner. Lord, have mercy.

joy:
skoch is coming here! i like that.

dalmations?

you know i love stealing stuff from other sites and blogs:
frederich buechner, whom i love, said that your call is to: "the intersection of your own deep gladness and the world's deep hunger." isn't that beautiful? i stole it from this article about life dreams. this seems to be a theme for me this week.

oh, confession for today: totally made up a guestlist for my wedding. isn't that NUTS? it easily had 70 people on it. and that's with some paring down! the "will cry if they're not there list" was much shorter. i. am. a. geek.

milestones, bandwagons, and a contest

1) this is post #100, for those who aren't counting . . . but i'm sure half of those posts came in the last four months. in fact lemme check . . . . (be patient!) . . . more than half in the last THREE months. nice! so, let's make this a gooder!

2) everyone else seems to be doing a list of random facts. here's mine:
a) typos are a big pet-peeve for me. the most distracting place for typos is in worship songs. they completely mess me up.
b) i choose not to capitalize unless i'm writing something somewhat formal or mentioning the name of God.
c) i believe that love is the answer . . . i believe love will find a way.
d) i have never been on a real date.
e) josh just came into the library and made me that much more excited about residence!
f) i like massaging (clean) feet.
g) i love socks, but i don't like wearing them.
h) i'm a recovering spongebob addict.
i) i just reorganized my links, and realized that g.mango is the only person from my high school whose blog i'm aware of.
j) it seriously bothers me that that last sentence ended in a preposition.
k) i think i'm zeroing in on what i want to do with my life. that's right! i MAY have a dream.
l) i love canoeing, kayaking, and belaying people on high ropes. not that i'm brilliant at any of those!
m) is the first letter of my name.

3) so, i went to this wedding on saturday. i didn't cry - very strange given my convincing performance as the local faucet at angie's wedding last november! it was very beautifully and tastefully done. there were funny stories, touching speeches, and lots of personal "isn't that JUST like amanda and peter!" kind of touches. very sweet. here's a photo, borrowed from dave's blog:



4) CONTEST!!!! i want to see who can come up with the best caption for that pic. peter has his mouth open, so let's see what fun things you can make him say. open to ANYONE. the prize is . . . the respect and admiration of the web community . . . woooohoooo!

that's it for today!

how close is too close?

i wonder what's ok to share on here. i don't want to find out by being bitten in the butt. hmmm. i want to be honest and open, or this is a useless exercise: a stupid fad that lends me the distinction of being trendy without the burden of being authentic. not so interested in that. i'm not transparent on here . . . but i'm real. while i can't imagine what they are, i guess there are dangers in that. a risk worth taking?

reflexion

yeah, i know that's not how you spell it. but i've been doing that. lots. reflecting, i mean.

changes come so quick, and it's hard to catch your breath sometimes. and i don't mean that it's always like, "SURPRISE!!!!!" . . . but even when i have a head's up, that doesn't seem to help. i still somehow get caught off-guard. i've had so much time to prepare myself for a)a new school year, b)the whole residence thing, c)a certain wedding, d)fil and nav moving away . . . . but it seems like it's all catching up to NOW. isn't that strange? i'm a big fan of managing stress, but that's hard to do with heart stuff. nav and i were talking about this last night in terms of "you can't plan a breakdown or a break-through".

sometimes, you're finally ready to talk about hurt or anxiety or confusion at 11:59pm . . . and the curfew has to be tossed out. sometimes, the emotions don't really kick in until the last minute, and you suddenly realize that you're not as ok as you thought you were. sometimes, you have mixed feelings about your ex-boyfriend getting married (for the record, none of those mixed feelings include wanting to get back together. just fyi . . .) and you don't understand why. sometimes, you feel inadequate even if all the details are under control. sometimes, the concept of preparing yourself doesn't make any sense. sometimes, managing stress really means taking care of the few things over which you actually have control.

sometimes, i'm better off falling to my knees. i like that i don't have to make an appointment to cry on God's shoulder . . . 'cause i rarely see those moments coming.

mercy

short of the example Jesus left for me, this is arguably the most significant story i've ever read. i'm so humbled and so . . . hungry for mercy.

borrowed time

so, i've taken more than a week to respond to this, but i think i have something now. as a reminder, here was the question:

if you were going to die in a week, what ten books (fiction or non-) would you leave the world wrapped up and tied with a bow, that does one or both of these things: 1) tells the world about you and what you stood for in some way; or 2) helps make the world a better place. they don't have to be in any particular order.

the difficulty is that my favourite books don't necessarily reveal what i stood for or make the world a better place. i wonder if that's a problem . . .

in no particular order:

"fugitive pieces" by anne michaels
i read this book in grade 13 english lit . . . more than half the class hated it, i imagine. it's very . . . rich. can give you a tummy ache, sometimes. plus, you kinda suspect it's pretentious. all the same, i love the imagery, the motifs, and the discussion of life after the holocaust.

"night" by elie wiesel
this is not a fun book to read, by any stretch. i picked it up knowing that. wiesel gives his account of life during the holocaust, as a boy. this romanian-born author gives a powerful depiction of the jewish struggle to survive then and - then and now - to understand God.

"bridge to terabithia" by katherine paterson
this may very well have been my first chapter book. i still have my copy from grade 1 - now 18 years old. a beautiful tale of friendship, imagination, and the harshness of real life.

"the chosen" by chaim potok
another example of my love of jewish literature, though this one is different. it takes place during the second world war, but in new york. two jewish boys unexpectedly begin a friendship . . . arguably the most important of their lives. hasidism, zionism, and everything in-between seems to try to tear them apart.

"the Jesus i never knew" by philip yancey
landmark book for me. just looking at it on my bookshelf (yes, i've read it) challenges me to get back to the basics and to exhume Jesus from the tradition and assumptions in which we tend to bury Him.

"now and then" by frederich buechner
who would have guessed that another school text would have an impact on me? this book is an excellent example of intelligent faith - a spirituality that wrestles with problems, instead of ignoring them, and allows Christ to be compared to other options. reading it made me a wiser believer by chiselling away at my dogma, exposing flesh and blood.

"the effect of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds" by paul zindel
a phenomenal work. despite my attempts to dramatize it in grade 11, it continues to be one of the plays i consider as profound, soulful and raw.

editted to include the following:

"good ideas from questionable christians and outright pagans" by steve wilkens
i only got halfway through this book, to be honest. but it's stellar, and i hope to dig my way through the rest over this next term. it's a mining expedition through the history of philosophy. socrates (sigh), descartes, marx, kierkegaard and many of their brothers are treated in this survey. intelligently written - not quite a "for dummies" book, but still accessible. more steps into intellectual approaches to faith.

"the trial and death of socrates" (euthyphro, apology, crito, and phaedo) by plato
you can get this for $2, but this is definitely not a case of "you get what you pay for." i cry when i read these four dialogues. euthyphro is an amazing example of the socratic method at work, as piety is dissected. apology is socrates' testimony at his trial - you're shaking your head half the time. at least. he's making lots of logical sense but being very undiplomatic - practically daring people to find him guilty. in crito socrates is offered an alternative to the death penalty but poo-poos it, and in phaedo he gives his last speech before his death by hemlock.
for him who fain would teach the world
the world holds hate in fee -
for socrates, the hemlock cup;
for Christ, gethsemane.
~don marquis, "the wages"

there are other parallels.

"a bargain for francis" by russell hoban, illustrated by lillian hoban
friends always play fair. oh, if only the world would embrace the lessons francis taught me.

i said above that my favourite books weren't the ideal candidates for this list, but as i've reflected, my mind has changed. certainly there are books i love that don't appear here. still, the books closest to my heart either epitomize my values or defy them in such a way as to throw me back into the arms of my most cherished beliefs.

it's not grieving, but it's still got steps . . .

confession: i haven't been to my home church in a long time. part of it has been my being away (at camp or in toronto), part of it is that i can't get a ride anymore, part of it is that my closest friends are no longer there.

this article talks about other reasons that people leave good churches. those steps didn't apply to me entirely, but i saw glimpses of myself in some of them, for sure.

it's a tough thing, figuring out where God wants you. sometimes, something doesn't have to broke(n) for you to wonder if there's a need for fixing. you know?

confession #29

i just have to confess this: i check everyone's blog every time i update mine. i don't always read with undivided attention, but i always check it out.

even nav's which hasn't been updated in two weeks, skoch's which he hasn't touched in five weeks, and fred's, where, as predicted, i've been staring at that one picture for seven weeks! i mean, you can just hear the wind whistling through the ghosttowns i love to visit! i keep checking their blogs on the off chance that they've elbowed their way online. unlikely, since those three are on urban mission week right now, and will be back at camp for another two weeks afterward.

there are other folks who, to be fair, have been blogging a tad more recently. but you always want what you can't have. ain't that always the way.

everything's fuzzy . . .

i'm sorta at a point where any amount of organization kinda seems impossible. sorting my laundry, getting paperwork done, anything. my brain just says, "i don't think i can handle that right now." and yet there are things that are so clear to me. like . . . well, my iq is apparently 144. so that's nice. but kinda useless. i don't know, man. just fuzzy. restless and lazy at the same time. anticipating and yet hoping time will drag on. it's weird.

i hope this old train breaks down . . .