just call me shu lien . . .

. . . but i flatter myself.

go to my room and i close my eyes
i make believe that i have a new life
i don't believe you when you say that
everything will be wonderful some day

promises mean everything
when you're little and the world is so big
i just don't understand how
you can smile with all those tears in your eyes
when you tell me everything is wonderful now
~everclear, "wonderful"

don't know, that's just my song today.

faith

faith has been inspiring me lately. she talked about lent and she also quoted this:

and Jesus said unto them, "and who do you say that I am?"
they replied, "you are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
and Jesus replied, "what?"

thinking of lent, i thought "i should give up scrabble." (where "scrabble" really means "a particular sin i've been struggling with and, usually, not struggling enough against) then i remembered: lent is about giving up extraneous pleasures for a season, so that i can better focus. but if it's something that i know distracts me or (worse!) divides me from God all year round, that's not really something that should wait, right?

huh . . .

read this, would you?

ssss

my sissy: available for public consumption - just be careful with those pokey elbows! ioana has beautiful pics and pretty words on-line. go now. go fast. come back when you're ready.

my school: lovely - at least the parts in class. love my ethics class so much. also, greek. also, prayer. also, history of Christianity. enjoying school, yo.

my sanity: waning - as the above comment might suggest. am encouraged to know that rousseau was crazy, too. so, i'm in good company.

my soul: hopeful and joyful - by God's grace. read my bible last night (which is getting to be a habit), and this hit me right between the eyes:
i know, o LORD, that a man's life is not his own;
it is not for man to direct his steps.
correct me, LORD, but only with justice--
not in your anger,
lest you reduce me to nothing.
~ jer 10:23,24

notably, decided to go beyond memorizing those verses (though that's a new thing i'm doing) but also to meditate on it all day long. will update as to success/effects of this endeavour.

my sleep: imminent and oh-so-necessary.

eklectos

well, here's the news... whether it's good or bad is anyone's guess.

does stephen harper look like a husky to you?? my mom pointed out the similarity.

heresy and retribution (in that order)

i took a quiz . . . the result has fun big words:

you scored as chalcedon compliant. congratulations, you're not a heretic. you believe that Jesus is truly God and truly man and like us in every respect, apart from sin. officially approved in AD 451.

chalcedon compliant - 100% - and i even know what it means!
pelagianism - 92% - "yeah!" for issues with original sin!
monophysitism - 33% - and i even know what it means!
monarchianism - 33% - yeah, no clue
apollanarian - 25% - i'm supposed to know what this means . . .
nestorianism - 25% - i get the feeling i'm supposed to know this one, too
donatism - 8% - ooh! this one's interesting. does sin affect sacraments?
adoptionist - 8% - my favourite heresy of all time!
docetism - 0% - i seem to know what this means
arianism - 0% - not for me
gnosticism - 0% - not for me
albigensianism - 0% - this word must be made up
modalism - 0% - ice, vapour, and water, my foot!
socinianism - 0% - this is unfamiliar . . .

are you a heretic? created with quizfarm.com

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we finished off woody allen's "crimes and misdemeanors" in ethics today . . . and i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness, retribution, and conscience. in the concluding scene, allen's character says that a guilty man will eventually turn himself in, betrayed by his own conscience. in the absence of God, he posits, man must be his own judge. the notion that man decides right and wrong for himself is not new, of course, but that's not entirely what allen is suggesting. no, what he proposes is that man must punish himself. that - again - in the absence of God, we must hold ourselves accountable and seek retribution not only for the sins committed against us, but for those committed by us.

interesting.

lately, i've been struggling with forgiveness, see. apparently martin luther did, too, 'cause he was never sure that he was repentant enough, sorry enough. my trouble is somewhat different. it is this: i often feel ("feel" being the operative word) that i must confess to someone in order to be forgiven. it is easier for me to feel (there's that word again!) forgiven if i hear someone say, "i know you hurt me. i forgive you." and there isn't always someone to go to, 'cause not all my stupid decisions hurt people. and some hurt people in very indirect ways, which might be awkward to talk about.

(hey, remember when my writing was clear and concise. i miss that.)

when woody allen (as cliff) says that man must be his own judge, in the absence of God, it kinda clicks for me: i don't live in the absence of God. none of us do (imho), but i'm supposed to conscious of that, right? so, what's this need to secure my forgiveness/redemption externally? it's forgetting that God is enough. dayenu, friends. that's all i have to say.

anyway. oh, and by the way, mia farrow is in "crimes and misdemeanors" (she and woody allen were married at the time) and i totally didn't recognize her. the whole time, i was all "who is that?!?!?" she was daisy in "great gatsby" and jacqueline in "death on the nile", but i far preferred her in "the last unicorn", wherein she voiced amalthea. they're doing a remake, btw. due out this year!

easily misunderstood

k, don't take this the wrong way. promise?

i need to hear the words. promise???

ok, well, some people have atheist friends. it's true! moreover, it's exciting! i mean, they don't just pick some token atheist and befriend him/her for some devious (read: evangelistic) purpose. they just have friends who don't love God. and those friends make for amazing conversations, a whole lot of self-exploration, and - to be perfectly honest - fun pub-runs. i don't have friends like that in calgary, which is a big BOOOOOO! in my book. BUT, i realized yesterday, i do have my mom. not in calgary, i mean, but still.

so, i was talking to her yesterday before church, and i ended up asking myself, "what would my life be like if i gave of myself indiscriminately?" chew on that for the next sixty seconds, k?

also, apparently shameless g.mango plugs get me long distance phone calls! AND, for the record, non-atheist friends can be awesome, too.

yikes! it's true!

when kim said that victor garber played Jesus in "godspell", i didn't know if i could believe her! wow! i should never have doubted.

btw, he was born in london, ontario, worked with hart house theatre, was in titanic and legally blonde, and is now on (sigh) alias.

important grad school info

g.mango is funny.

blast from (where else?) the past . . .

i was in a comic book store yesterday, if only briefly. it's been a while since i've been in one of those places, so it reminded me of queen and bloor, even though i was in a nw mall in calgary. glancing at the action figures and copies of toyfare, i remembered how i had once anxiously awaited the new warcraft figures. and how disappointed i was when they came out.

it's hard to take a beautiful picture and turn it into a well-crafted action figure. check out what shandris looked like in plastic . . . not so pretty. that's why it's always impressive when mcfarlane puts out any toy - be it a hockey player or one of their horror/sci-fi guys. they're messed up. i could stand in front of the tooth fairy for ridiculous amounts of time . . . because it's so ugly you can't take your eyes off it. that's how good they are. there's beauty in expressing ugliness well.

btw, i may never be a gamer, but - thanks to jp and chris - i can definitely appreciate the artistry.

only one thing is necessary . . .

teach me your way, o LORD,
and i will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that i may fear your name.

i will praise you, o Lord my God, with all my heart;
i will glorify your name forever.

~psalm 86:9-12

quote of the week

"i hope you have lost your good looks, for while they last any fool can adore you, and the adoration of fools is bad for the soul. no, give me a ruined complexion and a lost figure and sixteen chins on a farmyard of crow's feet and an obvious wig. then you shall see me coming out strong."
~george bernard shaw, writing to mrs. patrick campbell

the best thing about having a sister . . .

. . . is that she introduces me to new things, and especially new music that turns out to be spectacular. WARNING: FOR ALL I KNOW, THIS MAY ONLY APPLY TO MY SISTER! if your sister isn't like this, she's not defective. though, you might want to get her to work on it.

this Christmas, cori gave me a mixed cd, including some oldies-but-goodies: oh, brandy. oh, wilson phillips. how you remind me of my glory days. er- i mean . . . anyway, there was also newer stuff, like the postal service and porcupine tree and others i've quoted before. so, along with falling in love with the drum intro to "sunday bloody sunday", i've also taken a liking (read: loving) to this:

birds flying high, you know how i feel
sun in the sky, you know how i feel
breeze driftin' on by, you know how i feel
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life for me
and i'm feelin' good
i'm feelin' good
...
stars when you shine, you know how i feel
scent of the pine, you know how i feel
oh, freedom is mine, and i know how i feel
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
it's a new life for me
and i'm feelin' good
~ michael buble "feeling good"

zim lives

i dug up and managed to watch my "invader zim" episodes yesterday. i only have five eps, scattered from all over . . . and it was kinda sad to watch them alone, seeing as there was no one to laugh with. come over and watch them some time, won't you? anywho, there are three volumes of dvds out there, but they only seems to be available on-line, to my utter disappointment. if you ever see the dvds for sale in a real store please buy them for me. pretty please? they're amazing:

---

ms. bitters: zim!
zim: sir!
ms. bitters: there's a pigeon on your head. you have headpigeons. get to the nurse before they spread to the rest of the children.

---

elves: [singing] bow down... bow down... before the power of santa! or be crushed... be crushed... by his jolly boots of doom!

---

zim: invader's blood marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants! the pants command me! do not ignore my veins!

---

and more loveliness. :D

this just in

i think about fresh starts around this time of year: "this year, my relationship with so-and-so will be better - i'll be more understanding and willing to listen" or "this year, i'll be more diligent about work" or "this year, calories won't exist" or whatever. the new year holds such promise - it feels fragile and unspoilt and precious. i imagine that's why babies have traditionally been the mascots for this day. it's a new beginning, a clean slate. tabula rasa, as it were. and then i read something like this:

what has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. is there anything of which one can say, "look! this is something new"?
~ ecclesiastes 1:9-10

to be honest, that rings true: i feel like i'm the same mara i was a few days ago. i'll probably make some similar mistakes this year as last because, truth be told, 2006 hasn't ushered in new and glorious heights of integrity and compassion and enlightenment. so, maybe nothing changes. maybe these crazy milestones are just intended to give us some euphoric inspiration, so we can summon up whatever will-power we have and try to be more. that's what resolutions seem to be all about . . . and we *will* fail because - if you haven't learned it from personal experience, maybe you've heard it from dr. phil - will-power doesn't work. so, that's a bit of a downer.

if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
~ 2 corinthians 5:17

i wish i could go back in time and whisper in the ear of the teacher who wrote ecclesiastes. i wish i could say, "you ain't seen nothing yet!" God, after all, is alive!!! and His title of "Creator" isn't a statement of historical function - it's integral to His very being. God is constantly active in the world, creating. God is constantly active in *me*, creating. (incidentally, He doesn't do that by destroying the old, but by redeeming it. which is cool, and important, but not the primary point at the moment.)

when i look back carefully, i know i'm new. the changes aren't simply cosmetic, either: it's not simply that i now wear a cross around my neck, or carry a church pen in my pursue, or have a strange fascination with greek. this wasn't plastic surgery - it was a heart transplant. and it wasn't a one-shot deal that took place when i knelt down for the first time and prayed, "i am Yours", either. He keeps creating in my life. i don't have to look too far to see examples of God's on-going work: the past four months have involved a lot of painful and wonderful growth for me in areas i assumed would lie dormant forever. it turns out, barren wombs can be opened, the dead can be raised, and God can create a great deal out of nothing! out of dust, in fact.

this is my prayer: do it again, Lord. let me be the setting for Your newness. create in me, for Your glory. the year is new - will you be, too?

because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. i say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore i will wait for Him."
~ lamentations 3:22-24