i am. thirty.

i was born.
a girl.
a daughter.
a granddaughter.
a niece.
a sister.

i started becoming.
a reader.
a rememberer.
an immigrant.
an advocate.
a friend.

some things you made me.
a sister-in-law.
an auntie-to-be.
a girlfriend.
a forgiver.
a better friend.

some things i made myself.
a researcher.
a writer.
a leader.
a follower.
my own friend.

some things i am still becoming.
a law student.
a cook and baker.
a discerner.
a jogger.
a listener.

some things i dream of yet becoming.
a defender.
a treeclimber.
a runner.
a mother.
a whole.

i am thirty.
and i'm becoming more.

the hot team - part i

this week, i have logged 235 minutes of exercise: 60 minutes of advanced step, 20 minutes of jane fonda, 20 minutes of taebo, 45 minutes of body sculpt, 45 minutes of beginner step, and 45 minutes of kickboxing (which i just tried for the first time today!).

so.

a friend of mine playfully alluded to my initiation onto "the hot team," and asked me, "where do you get your motivation?" this isn't an easy question. i mean, i'm a fairly lazy person and, like most people, i run on inertia. there are days and weeks when working out is the bane of my existence. but i've learned that it really is easier to be on your game than to try to catch up when you've fallen behind. to my mind, this is the realization that opens the door to self-discipline in all areas of my life, particularly in academics, relationships, and health. rather than cutting corners, thinking that it's ok to cheat a little, i need to realize that those cheats add up: in all-night writing/cramming sessions, in blow-ups or loneliness because we haven't communicated along the way, in scale-induced guilt, indigestion, or premature exhaustion during a demanding workout. molehills can clump up into mountains if you neglect them too long. take the more expedient route: do it now.

a second crucial realization came in the classroom. i prepare students for a standardized test that i don't administer or set the parameters for. unfortunately, when i finish up the content portion of class early, my students usually take off. they choose not to take advantage of the ten or twenty or even thirty minutes we have left by asking questions or going over homework. they behave as if their potential for growth and test's difficulty are both limited by my agenda for our session. but they're not. there's a gap between where my students are and where they need to be to succeed, and taking full advantage of their resources is the best way for my students to close that gap.

so, that's where i get my motivation: knowing that it's easier to do it now - even if it feels harder - and that i have tools at my disposal to help me. some of them are obvious: a fabulous instructor at my gym, friends who also work out there, sparkpeople.com (where i track my food and exercise religiously and learn more about healthy living), and parents who are also trying to get healthier right now. some are more subtle, but just as essential: how strong i feel when i'm practicing roundhouse kicks and uppercuts, how amazing home-roasted red peppers taste, how affordable produce is, and how much happier i am when i'm hydrated. those things all motivate me. and they're not all.

"we will have these moments to remember..."

go-go-gatchety-kitchen!

more than ten months ago, i listed some of the things i would register for, were i in a position to solicit gifts. well, here's some news: you can buy kitchen stuff yourself! you don't have to wait to get engaged and ask other people to buy it for you! here's some of the progress i've made:


gadgets and tools:
- oil mister - got one in our secret santa random exchange! how lucky am i? so lucky!
- mandoline - bought one last spring and have only suffered one mini-amputation so far!
- good spatulas - bought one yesterday! it's cranberry-coloured!

appliances:
- rice cooker - got one in july for sushi making! have also made mamaliga and quinoa in there.
- i said that if i had a food processor and an immersion blender i wouldn't need a blender qua blender, but then one day at steven and chris they gave all of us kitchenaid blenders! it's not yet clear if this will be mine in the long run, 'cause i'm definitely leaving it here when i go off to law school. but let me just say: i love this thing!

now that i know i'm moving, buying stuff is a bit different. i'm trying to figure out what will be important to take with me. which clothes? which of my elephants? which books? which household things? it's a little early to make decisions, but certainly not too early for my impending move to affect my shopping. my boyfriend lives a very "spartan" life - his words - and took his time to settle into his new place. i put art up on his walls when i came to visit more than a month in. his couch came after i left, and bookshelves later still. i admire how careful he is about investing in his home, but the place was so much warmer once i put some pictures on the wall! maybe there's a happy medium there - a way to achieve practical nesting.

how do you decide whether to buy something?

down by the bay...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this is an entry into sweetest kitchen's december mystery box challenge!
please please please please please please please please vote for me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

when this month's mystery box challenge came up - "a cupcake for someone special" - the first thought that popped into my head was "didn't i just do this last month?!" i quickly realized that there were plenty of lovely brunette, blonde, and black-haired people in my life, and that surely one of them could inspire a delectable dessert. in fact, one of my favourite people on the planet doesn't have a whole lot of red hair - just the occasional natural highlight. she has been my little sissy for twenty-eight years and three months, and, for the most part, we've both enjoyed that immensely.

within minutes a stroke of brilliance befell me!

or maybe i just read my sister's blog. in the canon of our family history, alongside "the ugly picture," stories of my breaking christmas ornaments, and our obnoxious habit of quoting "singin' in the rain" to one another, this photo of slightly/aubergine devouring watermelon and clinging to maimuța holds a very special place.

the only question left was "can i really make a watermelon cupcake?!" cupcakes are creamy, buttery packages of sweetness and comfort and warmth - even when served at room temp! how can a cupcake taste refreshing and juicy and, well, watermelony? the answer came with a jiggle: watermelon jell-o! i prepared the jell-o juice and used it in place of milk! the first batch came out tasting great, but lacking that cheerful and intense pink that we've all come to expect from watermelon. so in went some food colouring, and the second batch was perfect!

rather than icing, i mixed tinted whipped cream with watermelon jello-o juice for the frosting, and sprinkled on green decorative sugar to create watermelon stripes.

paired with a delicious watermelon and cucumber rum cocktail, this juicy cupcake injected sunshine into one of the longest days of the year!

dodi dodi, i love you and your watermelon munching face! say "hi" to maimuța for me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is an entry into sweetest kitchen's december mystery box challenge!

please please please please please please please please vote for me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the winner of december’s mystery box cupcake challenge will receive prizes from:

• Bake It Pretty; a $5 electronic gift card
• Beanilla; Tahitian vanilla sugar & 3 Madagascar vanilla beans
• Hello Hanna; a pack of Sweet Stands cupcake stands
• Lisa Orgler; a handmade cupcake poster
• Miss Kitty Creations; a handmade cupcake charm of your choice
• Simply Caked; 600 brown greaseproof cupcake liners
• Sweet Cuppin Cakes; a prize pack worth $25
• Tundra Books; a selection 3 very sweet children's books

many thanks to all our lovely prize sponsors!

istanbul (not constantinople)

today i am turkeying and gobbling. this is about the tenth turkey i've ever prepared, and it's always a bit of an adventure. i love the whole process, with the possible exception of the stress over whether the bird will be thawed out in time.

i love dicing apples.
i love mincing celery.
i love plumping raisins.
i love watching the stuffing swell.
i love whipping up butter and sage.
i love using my digital meat thermometer.
i love peeling back the tin foil.
i love wearing an apron.
i love eating the final product.
i love remembering all the thanksgivings, christmases, and easters past for which i made turkey, and thinking of the friends who sat around that feast with me!

i still don't know how to carve the turkey or make a gravy i'm really happy with, but... yay! it's turkey day!

i think i'm going to put on "white christmas" while i wrap a couple of gifts and wait to unveil my masterpiece!

joy! joy! joy!

after a long wait, good news at last: i've received acceptances from five law schools so far, two of them in the top tier!

when i opened the first exciting envelope (the fourth envelope of the five), i blinked. it starts with "congratulations"... does it go on to say "no, thanks"? it didn't! looks like i'll be a law student after all! look out world!

as i told my parents, drank champagne, made my phone calls, sent text messages, and eagerly awaited a skype conversation, i felt a little like jane bennet.

it's been over a year now of preparing and writing and rewriting and rewriting and hoping and receiving devastating news and crying and regrouping... and finding so much love and support and faith around me. my family, my friends, my professors and employers who wrote recommendations for me... they shared in my low times with me and pushed me to keep at it. i am so happy to be able to bring you all joy by sharing my very good news.

i can't even begin to express how grateful i am.

an ode to ginger(s)!

after watching with interest for quite some time, i've taken myself off the bench (and dared a few friends to join me) by participating in the sweetest kitchen's mystery box cupcake challenge! this month's featured ingredient is... ginger!


to be honest, i was very tempted to recreate my ginger-matcha sushi cake from birthday 2009. it was delicious, innovative, and fun to look at. besides, the wasabi icing blew my mind! but as i wandered around bulk barn, looking for cupcake-sized sushi ingredients, i was conscience-striken. the whole point of this was to try something new!


so i thought about ginger. and then i thought of gingers! having decided that my cupcakes would be an edible tribute to redheads both real and fictional, the perfect ingredient with which to pair the ginger instantly sprang to mind: carrots!

i scoured the underworld of the internets, bravely seeking a carrot-based cupcake that would defy expectations of carrot-cakey-ness! to no avail! in the end, i had to resort to adapting and tweaking to make these cupcakes masterpieces!

get these dry things:
- 2 cups all-purpose flour OR 2 1/4 cup cake flour
- 1 tsp baking powder
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp cinnamon
- 1 tsp crushed cloves (ask your mom to mortar & pestle these for you. she's prolly tops!)

get these wet things:
- 2 large eggs, room temperature
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1 1/3 cups sugar
- 1 cup melted butter
- 1 large carrot, chopped, steamed, and then pureed with 1/4 cup buttermilk

la piece de resistance: ginger chunks in cane sugar syrup chopped up into minichunks!

do this:
- preheat oven to 350
- combine dry ingredients and whisk
- in another bowl, combine wet ingredients and whisk
- pour the wet combo into the dry combo (i'm still not sure why) and stir ten times
- toss in ginger chunks and stir a few more times
- fill cupcake liners 2/3 of the way up
- bake for 20-25 minutes, turning halfway through
- cool
- frost!
- decorate!!
- serve!!!

here i am with my favourite ginger:

and that was my tribute not only the delicious and versatile ingredient that is the ginger root, but also to the carrot-haired among us, from conan to ariel, from archie to anne of green gables, from my older sister to my younger brother-in-law, from pippi longstocking to my boyfriend.

if you like what you see, please vote for my entry in the sweetest kitchen's contest!
the winner of november’s mystery box cupcake challenge will receive prizes from:

• Bake It Pretty; a $5 electronic gift card
• Beanilla; Tahitian ground vanilla & 3 Mexican vanilla beans
• Hello Hanna; a pack of Sweet Stands cupcake stands
• Miss Kitty Creations; a handmade cupcake charm of your choice
• Simply Caked; 600 brown greaseproof cupcake liners
• Sweet Cuppin Cakes; a prize pack worth $25
• Tundra Books; a selection 3 very sweet children's books

merci beaucoup to all our prize sponsors!

1913 - 2010

i stopped checking messages because i didn't want to hear the news without my parents. i lay in bed last night, and i thought, "what if he's already gone?"

and, as it turned out, he was.

"ninety-seven is a ripe old age" but you always hope for more time, more opportunities to be together.

it's weird to hear other people talk about him, to read news coverage that describes him as a national figure, a party leader, a signatory on an important letter... he's just papaşa.

self-helpless?

so, in the course of reading a motivational article on sparkpeople.com, i came across this tip for when you're feeling discouraged by your lack of progress:

"Activate your imagination with the Miracle Question.
The Miracle Question is a great way to help yourself focus on solutions. Imagine that tonight while you’re sleeping, a miracle is going to happen that will completely solve the problem you are struggling with, once and for all. How will you know, when you wake up, that the miracle has happened and the problem is solved? What will be different for you — how will you think, act, or feel differently once the problem has been solved? What will be different about the day ahead of you? Are these questions already helping you think or feel differently now, at least a little bit? How can you make this happen more often?"

this is a little bit silly.

my mom once said, "problems that can be solved with money aren't really problems." she wasn't being flippant, and she's not ignorant... but she's also not entirely right. still, i like the idea of imagining what life would be like without the problem. sometimes that motivates you to do what needs to be done, sometimes it helps you break up the big problem into its bite-sized, easier to tackle parts... and sometimes it makes you realize that you've misidentified the problem.

if i won the lottery (without playing?), i could pay off my student loans and other debt. and i could afford to just volunteer at cool places this year. but it wouldn't magically parachute me into a good law school. it would just make life easier once i got there by the sweat of my brow.

if i do get into a good law school, that won't magically make me in the physical shape i want to be.

if i got into shape, it wouldn't magically solve my financial problems.

it's helpful for me to realize that life is a little bit like playing whack-a-mole. there's always something new popping up. and laying in bed at night, hopeful that one particular problem will be resolved and anticipating the next opportunity to show creativity and integrity and grit... well that can help, too.

three gifts

i eaves-read another person's book on the subway today and was inspired by this question: "what three values would you most want to instill in your children?"

the first one that sprang to mind was generosity. dr. mark greene's dying words to his daughter, rachel, were: "be generous. with your time. with your love. with your life... be generous, always."



i kind of want those to be my first words to my children.

curiosity: the world is a wonder, and when i catch myself less than in awe, i know i am in trouble. i don't want my children to be often in that kind of trouble.

integrity: even when it's all you've got, it can keep you warm at night.

what would you give?

a letter

dear luck,

you may remember that i invoked you in a brief message to idris, dated 13 may 2010. it's attached below, but basically in that missive i articulated my anticipation of your impending successful navigation to his doorstep.

and, within a week, he had both a job offer and an interview for another job! now, that's some kind of successful navigation! well done, you! your orienteering skills are second to none!

in recent weeks, you have also taken the time to visit both of my brothers-in-law and my younger sister. you've been very busy and even on two continents your knack for finding folks has proven itself flawless. i certainly appreciate your timely arrival at the doorsteps of people about whom i care so deeply. as you well know, i'm a big fan of yours and these particular people deserve all the you in the world.

but, dear luck, i occasionally worry that you have lost your way en route to me. i feel i've completed all the necessary preparations for your arrival - laid out all your favourite fingerfoods, put fresh linens in the guestroom, and all that - but, alas, i have yet to be honoured by your presence.

are you lost? because if you're using mapquest that could be the problem right there. sometimes that site is a little misleading. maybe you should try googlemaps. and turn the gps on, just to be on the safe side. please?

was it something i did? 'cause whatever it was, i'm sorry. i hope you can forgive me and we can move past this soon. to be honest, hard work, perseverance, and wit have done all they can, and it's really starting to look like it's sort of up to you now.

somewhat-patiently, ever-hopefully, a-little-bit-desperately,
~m


----------
to: idris
from: ~m
sent: 13.05.2010, 9:45 p.m.

luck will find you.

2421 sunrises and sunsets

welcome to my 500th post! this milestone will be commemorated with a nod to the main genres of blogpost we have seen here at "can you hear the sound of laughter..."

the mundane (yet somehow bizarre):
i was just stung by a bee in my basement. at just after midnight. while i was trying to iron my shirt. on my left ring toe. no - i wasn't trying to iron my shirt on my toe... that's just where the bee stung me. this probably means i'm in for a feverish dream.

the momentous:
today i graduate for the fourth time in my life, and officially add the letters "m.a." to the end of my name - instead of just the beginning. there's an awful lot of hard work buried in those two little letters! finishing things is so good!

the miraculous:
michelle and idris are joining my parents in the audience at the convocation ceremony, and all four of them are making significant sacrifices to be there. i am loved, and i know it.

the mmmm:
there will be caramel crunch cake and champagne when we come home tonight! yum and sigh.

the musing:
what's next?

:)

from way across the ocean, my little sissy asked me why i was smiling. in response, i offer this partial list of my reasons for glee:

- haircuts
- sushi
- defenses and convocations
- job postings and auditions
- pub trivia successes
- a mom who takes care of me when i sacrifice part of my finger to the mandolin* gods
- a boyfriend who listens and is teaching me when to stop talking
- friends who have big! changes! going on in their lives
- the impending return of little sissy and her husband!
- seeing nyc for the first time soon
- big sissy's wedding in june!
- cats
- diet coke
- phone calls with michelle
- apples and peanut butter
- a pink sweater
- dibs

oooh... dibs! see ya!

* the vegetable slicer, not the musical instrument

delishulous orange chicken

warning: for better and for worse, this is not manchu wok's sticky, breaded, and deep-fried orange chicken!


i made a ridiculously delicious chicken dish last night and it's definitely worth sharing, particularly if you're trying to address these two key concerns:

1) will the chicken be cooked through? will it be dry?
i love preparing chicken in a slowcooker because i rarely have to worry about this.

2) will this hurt my stomach?
i live with people who can't handle a lot of "tasty" things: heat, exotic spices, onions, or excessively acidic ingredients can irritate the stomach or me hard to digest. it's been a challenge for me to find ways to make things that are healthy and tasty for them.

to solve this problem, we often rely on my favourite cut of chicken: the thighs. not only are they tasty but in this recipe they release a lot of moisture as they cook. in other words, they provide a delectable base for their own sauce. and, even though this dish has orange juice in it, the acid doesn't seem to survive the cooking process.

so, without further ado, i present a meal that feels bland to the tummy but yummy to the tongue!

the stuff:
- chicken thighs - boneless, skinless
- orange juice
- orange marmalade + sesame oil
- soy sauce + your favourite spice combo (i used garlic & herbs)
- flour + butter

the steps:
1) combine marmalade and sesame oil and slather onto the chicken.
2) place the meat into your slowcooker and add orange juice about two-thirds of the the way up the meat.
3) add a splash of soy sauce and a healthy pinch of your spices, then turn the slowcooker on high.
4) around the 2 hour mark, turn the slowcooker to low.
5) make a roux out of equal parts butter and flour. add liquid from the slowcooker to the roux, one ladle-full at a time, and combine well.
6) return thickened juices to the slowcooker and stir.
7) at this point i also added (frozen and defrosted) asparagus to the chicken, but you can use another vegetable (carrots would nice, i think!) or skip this entirely. if you're using fresh produce, think about adding it around the 1.5 hour mark so it has time to soften and soak up the juices. (let's call that step 3b.)

orangeyness is a very subjective thing, and you should figure out how much tang works for you. without too much figuring, the sauce came out sweet but not cloying and the chicken was hearty when served alongside some roasted zucchini and orange peppers (drizzled with sesame oil).

so yum! i need to start taking pictures again!

just a dribblin' fool...

after tasting anna's pavlova at the big family christmas party in london, and seeing it on so many british dessert menus, i decided to give it a try for christmas dinner.

for those who didn't know (like me, a few weeks ago), pavlova is a dessert from new zealand. apparently it was named after russian ballerina anna pavlova. but i think its name is an allusion to the fact that whenever i think of it, i drool.

basically, it's a meringue that is chewy in the middle. this is not due to undercooking, as far as i can figure, but to the addition of corn starch or lemon or something. i mean, it bakes for quite a while. ANYway. it's typically baked as a circle 9" wide, allowed to cool overnight, and then topped with barely-sweetened whipped cream and fruit. if you want to go traditional, with kiwis!

i opted for individual portions of pavlova, which makes everything look prettier longer. plus, there were only three of us for christmas dinner. unfortunately, i used the recipe for a typical 9" round. if you're going to make these minis, you can safely half the recipe and still tempt four people.

my recipe, based on this one i found at allrecipes.com:
4 egg whites
1.5 cup white sugar (some comments on allrecipes recommended cutting this down to 1 cup. the original recipe does yield a very sweet dessert.)
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp lemon juice (i used clementine juice, which was inadvisable due to its relatively low acid content. it still worked, i'd like to point out... plus, i didn't know i had an alternative. vinegar will also work - the point is to add an acid.)
2 tsp cornstarch (i subbed in 1.2 tsp arrowroot because that's what we had on hand - the point is to add a thickener.)

- preheat oven to 300 and get parchment paper ready on a cookie sheet. it may be helpful to draw the shape of the pavlova you intend to create (one 9" round or many 3" rounds or what have you) onto the paper and then flip the paper over.
- start out by beating the egg whites into stiff peaks, then gradually add the sugar, 1 tbsp at a time. you're done beating when it looks thick and glossy.
- the recipe emphasizes the importance of keeping yolk and grease away from the egg whites. this appears to be crucial. also, for the love of all that is yummy and delectable, don't overbeat the whites!
- gently fold in the vanilla, acid, and thickener.
- i separated the batter (so to speak) into three groups and added green food colouring to one and red to another, but the natural colour of the pavlova is actually quite lovely and this sort of meddling is utterly unnecessary. perhaps even counterproductive! ok, i'll stop now.
- spoon or pipe onto the circles you've drawn on the parchment paper, making the perimeter of the circle slightly higher than the middle. (i may have ignored that last part.)
- pop in the oven for an hour.
- some recipes recommend letting them cool in the oven with the door ajar, some say remove to a cooling rack. i did the former.
- before serving top with lightly sweetened whipped cream and fruit.

the pics:

your ingredients!

yummm...

now, give them some privacy.

pretty in pink!

the verdict: these pavlovas were chewy, crispy, sweet, and satisfying. definitely worth repeating!

don't look back in anger

when i filled out my law school application, i had to spend a little time on my first attempt at an undergrad degree. i dropped all but one of my classes in second year, then did a summer course, then failed all four of my third-year courses. this required some words. as a result, i thought a lot about the crisis of 2001 - how my family imploded, how my younger sister and i faced new and daunting financial responsibilities, how we both felt abandoned and hopeless, and how no one seemed to understand.

i remember walking around chinatown one day and suddenly realizing what had happened. it was more than three months later.

despite the religious aspects of this event, christian friends didn't seem to get it. there was a lot of material support, but people didn't seem to have any sort of lens through which they could clearly see what we were going through. despite knowing me for many years, my high school friends didn't get it, either. and they seemed to disappear. after my sister and i found an apartment, most of my friends didn't come to the housewarming. people from university came, but they mostly didn't know why we were in a new place. in fact, i don't think anyone has ever responded to this part of my life in a way that implies "getting it." my sister and i feel very differently about that moment of decision, so not even she understands it the way i do.

it's very hard for me not to be angry, even eight years later. and it's hard for me not to read that same pain into contemporary instances of feeling alone. we all have our own lives to lead, and we rarely spend too much time thinking about what the "minor characters" in our stories are doing when they're not in the same scenes as us. back then, we were busy with complicated romantic relationships, we were coming out of the closet, we were trying to figure out what our studies had to do with the rest of our lives, we had our own part-time jobs to deal with, we had other friends... and now we have relatives who are lonely or in poor health, jet lag, spouses, work and financial stresses, and other friends.

i guess i just always hoped that we would also have each other. and that, somehow, that would be enough to help us "get it."

picture this

2009...

it was to be a year of weddings, renewed friendships, goodbyes, and hellos...

cori got married and we danced.

i finished my course work and carried an orange balloon.

i turned 28 and made an awesome cake.

i went to the bahamas and studied for the lsat.

i went to collingwood and played on the swings with nancy and pat.

i said goodbye to cori and made her a cake.

mon got married and we danced.

i got my lsat score and nearly wept with joy.

i went all out for hallowe'en but no one else did!

while on a research trip, i commemorated the 20th anniversary of the fall of the berlin wall.

i celebrated the holidays with more "family" than ever before - friends so close they're family, my little sister's in-laws, distant cousins in london, my little sister, her husband, and my parents. and i missed my older sister and her fiance.

there was a lot more in there... new ideas, new areas of research, major life decisions (like applying to law school), terrible disappointments (the detainee allegations and the recent proroguing of parliament rank high, but there were personal ones, too). but there was growth. and there were good tears.

not bad for a year's work. on to the next!

merry, merry

a warm merry christmas to all my readers... all seven of you. a special cup of cheer for michelle, amanda, ab., and cori, who are among the most faithful blog-visitors (and friends) i know.

holly and ivy,
~m

london sweets

the best hot chocolate i've ever had, trafalgar square

anna's christmas cookies

german mini pancakes, south bank of the thames

anna's pavlova (mmmm...)

glasses

madonna and child (me and eddie).