derivatives

seeing me at the gym, you might not know that i'm at my lowest weight since high school. knowing where i am is nearly meaningless unless you know where i've been. and how much work it's taken to get here. describing this point isn't enough - you need to know the slope of the tangent to this curve.

maybe calculus is my favourite branch of math because it's about the rate of progress. when you take the derivative, you are a historian and a prognosticator. you care about the big and medium and small pictures, all at the same time.

i love that.

di: id

this is my boyfriend.

in addition to being awesome in countless ways that matter to me, idris is awesome in ways that are relevant to and have come to the attention of a mathematics department at a university in the mid-atlantic. i bought him the flowers to celebrate the long-awaited job offer - they're tiger lilies, 'cause he's a fan of cats. so much a fan is he that he just happened to be wearing the tiger beer shirt at the time!

this is my boyfriend and a delicious trio of chocolate desserts we shared just before we took turns crying a little.

he's been waiting for a career opportunity like this one for a long time, but the mid-atlantic is a bit farther away from me than we're used to. so, that's tough... but it's only tough because he's special. and having someone special is very, very good.

f is for fear less

when i sit down to write a position paper, i want to produce something airtight. but when it comes to situating my discipline (history) within the broader context of theological interpretation, the answers aren't entirely clear to me yet. what is emerging from the haze, as my eyes struggle to focus, is the fact that what i really love doing is comparing conviction with action. i love studying political philosophies/theologies and then finding out how - if? - they were practiced, on the ground. even though i'm pretty tied up in ideas, history is a good place to ask those kinds of questions. and it keeps me rooted in the real world, rather than the abstract.

the anthropocentrism implicit in (my approach to) historical interpretation would probably bother some of my colleagues. (as would several of my other views.) but i like it because to me it feels hopeful, rather than arrogant. if the goal of the historian is to further human understanding of history (a phrase i adapted from william p. thurston's brilliant piece about mathematics), then this isn't about finding a corner office in the ivory tower. (dude, like, the oooonly good ivory tower ever is the one in neverending story.) and my academic pursuits anticipate the future, rather than being wedded to the past.

this assignment forced me to take a step back and consider what i'm doing. thinking big picture is wonderful, even if (because?) it's terrifying. throughout my life, i've been so lucky to have people in my life who demanded that i do something i was too afraid to do on my own. they've invited me into crazy adventures - and not just stupid drama - often without even knowing it. they asked more of me than i knew how to give, and in so doing helped me to live, rather than merely daydream or, to put it a better way - the way bastian did, as a matter of fact: "i will! i will do it! i will do what i dream!"

i know i'll never be fearless. but, big picture: i can fear less.

life and pi

have i mentioned that cori and james are getting married in two months? on march 14th? which is pi day? so, here's my thing: which of the following corollaries is the funniest?
a) their wedding is gonna be rad!!!
b) see? commitment is irrational!
c) their marriage will last forever, never repeating itself... new adventures always around the corner :)

together

"... most mathematicians don't like to be lonely, and they have trouble staying excited about a subject, even if they are personally making progress, unless they have colleagues who share their excitement."

~william p. thurston

i've recently been learning...

1. it will never be the same again
2. no matter which beach boys' song i start out singing, i end up with "(i wish they all could be) california girls"
3. "if i stand at all, it is certainly not alone"
4. being brave feels good (after the peeing-your-pants thing is done)
5. i am deeply loved and kinda needed
6. it's not about me
7. God really wants to be known... He is the "one who has waited long for you to speak" (the horse and his boy)
8. just because everyone seems to see you a certain way doesn't mean it's true
9. the way i deal with life is fundamentally flawed
10. my family is often very, very difficult... but somehow it can be beautiful
11. sometimes it is about me
12. every story is everyone's story, somehow
13. for the record, we still can't get through mother's day without my mom crying
14. if everyone seems to see you in a certain way, you should consider that it might be true
15. no one is indispensable
16. x hours of anything-other-than-sleep = 0 hours of sleep, no matter how restful you think the other thing might be
17. most friendships don't end... they just change
18. my mom may be difficult, but i don't always have to be selfish and sensitive
19. i didn't miss provincial sales tax
20. i already miss being driven home and sitting in the parking lot for hours
21. there is no formula. ever. ok, i'll give you the quadratic formula... but it prolly won't help so much.
22. it's never too late to be loving
23. "being miserable doesn't make you better than anyone else... it just makes you miserable" (house)
24. no one is replaceable (sorry, beyonce)
25. if God isn't ok with swearing, i am in so much trouble... because:
26. sometimes the only words i have are ones i only really trust Him to tolerate and understand
27. trajectory is so, so important. (i guess i need to take the derivative to find the slope of the tangent to the curve at this particular moment... oh, wait: no formuale.)
28. "every tear i've cried, You hold in Your hand" (casting crowns)
29. what i want most is home
30. listen
31. it will never be the same again

do they give awards for this?

i just used logarithms to try to determine how many israelites escaped during the exodus/how many kids people had back then. the problem is, you need to know one of those for sure to figure out the other.

anyway, math and bible do mix.

and mara is a geek.

to turn that into an update: mara is still a geek.

men, etc.

are you a manly man? (listen to bradley's elaboration on what that might mean. it's funny. and good.)

my mom: the first two men were the wrong three men.

me: so, math is fun.

assorted loves

A. ROMANCE
as part of our continuing pursuit of the official title of most single people on the planet - a goal we take very seriously indeed, i assure you! - my dear friend skoch and i decided to come up with lists of "significant other non-negotiables", to narrow the field as we each search for our soulmates or whatever.

now, skoch's list ain't online yet - i'd be surprised if he's written one down, actually, given how busy he's been with . . . stuff. in any case, i have busily been composing my lists. why the use of the plural, you ask? well, you see, there are various categories of criteria, perhaps more depending on what sort of geek you are. i'm a geek of the highest order, but i still only managed to compose four separate lists. here, then, are two of them:

negotiable:
1) knows the names of all the members of the seaver family, including the foster son
2) can sing any of the four "solos" in the monstar theme song from "space jam"
3) is giddy about greek
4) has read something by victor hugo or jane austen, and doesn't mind talking about it
5) knows pi to seven digits
6) buys flowers for his mom for "no special reason"
7) comes up with a story/joke/question to liven things up when conversations die
8) makes good sand castles
9) knows what the "cone of silence" is
10) regularly quotes: a) invader zim b) st:tng c) "adventures in odyssey"

non-negotiable:
1) knows what captain jean-luc picard's favourite beverage is (swoon if he enjoys it himself)
2) owns the soundtracks to at least five movies
3) plays with numbers for fun (double swoon if he does is without even noticing)
4) knows what the integral of 2(pi)r is, and why it's relevant
5) can rhyme with delicacy and creativity
6) has read "le petit prince" and loved it
7) picks movies to watch based on cast/director/producer/writer, and not plot
8) owns a t-shirt that he "made" himself
9) knows the next three books he plans to read
10) regularly quotes: a) scripture - but only if it's done humorously b) himself c) me

B. FRIENDSHIP
speaking of skoch, back in the fall he started a "band" called "divided". obviously, it's stellar. so, please listen to his stuff. he and josiah are amazing . . . and half the res is involved in their back-up vocals and instrumentation. btw, "joy" is my favourite song. "just a friend" is also super, even though it's pretty much a cover . . . with some uber-interesting edits.

lest you think skoch is the only friend i have (:P) i should mention: lately, my friends have been simply awesome. deniss is one of them. he listens to me and takes me for walks when i'm crying. janet is another one. she tells me when i hurt her and helps me love her better. friends are great.

C. FAMILY

'nuff said.

calvin

i have a bible exam at 9am tomorrow, so i thought i'd spend a few moments discussing platonic forms. because i've been thinking about them. why else?

just before i posted about returning to who i used to be, i'd gone out for lunch with kevin and kat. at wendy's, of course. (where else?) ANYway, i was saying that when i was younger i wasn't so focused, but i was happier. coincidence? mmmm . . . maybe not! i played euphonium and did math and debating and writing and i loved it all . . . and i think i knew who i was. well, kat said, "yeah, but you aren't math and euph and debating and writing . . . those are just things you DO." they're things i participate in and they may describe me, but they're not me.

then stu - oh, stu - who was sitting at another booth, made some crack about what we choose to talk about - like love and life and why - and kev said, "it's like a socratic discourse." and then it clicked. and, man, when it clicks, it CLICKS.

forms.

what is the FORM of mara?

instead of focusing on the particulars, i should wallow in the universal. what am i about? not details, but real truths of me.

i struggle with role conflict, but i shouldn't. if divine simplicity is a reality, and i am to be Christlike, then i, too, should be more simple. not in the sense of "sell all your possessions" - although that, too - but in focusing less on having distinct attributes, and more on being a whole.

SO:

instead of thinking and planning and trying to be a good woman, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good residence manager, a good student, a good customer, a good neighbour, a good employee, a good Christian, a good role model, a good colleaugue, a good euphonium player, a good writer, a good debater, a good reader, a good roommate . . .

"and now you can say etc, etc" . . .

i should focus on trying to be a good human being. the rest will follow.

sign #6 - office hours

i have cried on four distinct occasions in the last 48 hours. (btw, every time, i've had someone there who supported me through it . . . such a blessing.) sometimes there's so much going on inside, and life has to go on: papers, presentations, work, friendships . . . ob-la-di, ob-la-da, and all that. it seems so silly!

one of the tough issues in my life is leadership. my mom and i chatted about this over the weekend, and my boss and i discussed it again. to lead . . .

transitive senses:
1 a : to guide on a way especially by going in advance b : to direct on a course or in a direction c : to serve as a channel for

strange how that doesn't help much - though, to be honest, more than i expected. when zed was my program director at camp, he said that i tend to pause before i do things. i seem to ask myself, "can i really do this?" and, at camp at least, i would normally dive in. but the pause - the deep breath - was still there. lately, i've been living in the pause. how do i get past that?

a group of brass players have been kind enough to enfold me into their little ensemble for some carolling-type activities. this excites me beyond measure. i still have the ticket from the last concert i played in - may 2000 - and i miss it muchly. plus, brass quartet - how cool is that?

playing my euphonium yesterday, i realized that i need to find myself again. on monday i told someone that i couldn't write poetry . . . and then mentioned that i'd won a prize for a remembrance day poem i wrote 13 years ago. he said, "so why are you saying you can't write poetry?" as if our chronological distance from that event had no impact on my skills. maybe it doesn't. maybe i need to remember who i used to be, the things i loved - math, music, writing, thinking - and make time for them.

sign #2 - take 3

i was thinking about how sometimes my life works in cycles: two years ago i felt like i was re-experiencing my life from two years before that. today i was wondering if that'll happen again. two year cycles, man. they're nuts.

then i read this on trevor's blog. coincidence?? i think not. so, i'm reflecting now, too.

10 years ago:
- i was in my last year of junior high
- my closest friends were valeria, monica, natalie, and dhruv
- i met g. mango, a self-proclaimed "jesus freak" and informed her that i was "not religious"
- i was about to start liking won, who would become my first boyfriend
- i was taking grade 10 math with the best math school ever!
- i loved the euphonium
- i cried a lot
- i watched "friends" obsessively
- i wore baby t-shirts and overalls

5 years ago:
- i was in my first year of university
- my closest friends at school were melanie and julianna
- i hated economics and loved calculus
- i liked eating dinner in an academic gown
- i cried less
- i had begun competitively debating

1 year ago:
- i was in my first year at rocky
- i realized i was pretty liberal for a bible college in alberta
- i was a month into a new job, which is . . . scary
- i had very little hair
- i didn't really have close friends at school, but nav and fil and i were getting closer
- my church didn't have pastors, and i really wanted a chance to preach

1 day ago:
- i went to class at 8:17 and thought about islam
- i had a meeting with my department and thought about being single (*this* is why, g.mango! couples surround me!)
- i slept most of the day and thought about avoiding all-nighters in the future
- i talked to both lysa and danielle and thought about my job
- i went to class at 6:31 and thought about wisdom
- i cleaned my apartment, watched "the manchurian candidate", and thought about conspiracies
- i talked to steve on the phone, and thought about God