heart stuff

here's a quick summary:

platonic friendship is amazing. it says, "my agenda, if i have one at all, is to know you, not to get something from you." that's a huge compliment, i figure. not to mention that it's a great opportunity to have meaningful exchanges about all sorts of subjects, without the distraction of DTR. yeah, it's great. except it blows.

i mean, there comes a point - there must be a critical mass that tips the scales - where i start to wonder why it's always platonic. i have developed the following theory: i'm wonderful - a loyal friend, a good conversationalist, pensive, intelligent, genuinely seeking after God, occasionally funny, unsentimentally compassionate, playful, analytical, fairly laid-back, strong-willed but flexible, understanding but not compromising, cute as a button on alternate tuesdays, etc - but i'm not beautiful.

you know what's funny about that? anyone who says "oh, mara, yes you are!", however sincere, doesn't understand what i mean. i don't mean that i'm ugly, or that i have nothing to offer, or whatever. i mean that men are attracted to me (to the friendship i offer, the conversation i provide, my company, my advice, whatever) only to a point. like, consistently. i have little doubt that i'm wonderful. but it'll take one special guy choosing me as i choose him to convince me that i'm beautiful.

and it's not Jesus.

here's why: i'm not talking about my self-worth. this isn't, like, fundamental to my existence - i need God for *that*. but i believe - and reading "wild at heart" is definitely confirming - that there are needs in me that people are meant to fulfill. so, forgive me for saying this, but maybe God is enough in the ultimate sense: He provides everything we need. that doesn't mean that His presence is all we need. does it?

(wow, this is super personal. eek.)

the questions that always come up at bible college . . .

. . . you'd think they'd be more centred on issues of theology or ethics, but no. they're basic, though philosophical: what does it mean to be a man? what does it mean to be a woman? how do relationships work? is there an implicit promise made during flirting?

all this and more.

oh, by the way, that's not in class. that's in social situations.

speaking of social situations, i had a fun one last night(!!!). the ras (whom i love and admire more than words can say) came over after kat had her student union meeting, so there was a little overlap hang-outtage. a very relaxing time.

school is fairly close to insane and i'm experiencing stress at work, so prayers are still appreciated. but life is good, love is better, and God is best.

on the heart front, things are going much better. i figured out (read: God filled me in on) what the problem was, so that's helped a LOT. but i have little idea of how to solve it. maybe God will fill me in on that, too.

ever had this happen?

there are people with whom it takes effort to socialize. let's call them acquaintances. obviously, not everyone feels this way about my acquaintances, since the latter do have great friends who care about them. anyway, for me, it can be hard. so, whatever, you excuse yourself, right?

but what if your only opportunities to socialize with people you care about come when acquaintances are around?

ick.

it just ain't fair.

i would be . . .

convinced of my deception
i've always been a fool
i fear this love reaction
just like You said i would

a rose could never lie
about the love it brings
and i could never promise
to be any of those things

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken
growing old
i would be...
i would be...
i would be...

blessed are the shallow
depth they'll never find
seems to be some comfort
in rooms i try to hide

exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken
growing old
i would be...
i would be...
i would be...

...frail

if you don't mind . . .

i'm not falling apart at the seams or doubting any major doctrines . . . but prayer would be appreciated. sometimes mara's little heart needs a lot of help from God. thanks, friend.

in her prime

my little sister is 23. that's a whole lot, i think. it's the last prime number before 29, and that's RIGHT before 30. so, yeah, she's getting to be a big girl. she's even kinda dating someone. (that's the most accurate description i can give.)

cori . . . my best friend for as along as i can remember. such a kindred spirit. such an anchor. such a goofball. the girl who will laugh at my wedding because she knows how dumb i've been before. the girl who'll have me as her maid of honour because she thinks i would "give a kick-ass speech." she grows by leaps and bounds, it seems. hasn't arrived yet, of course. but who has?

happy birthday, sissy! i love you so much.

sometimes i feel . . .

. . . like a motherless child . . . a long way from home.

i miss my mom and dad and sissies today. so much of the day is spent thinking and talking - about euthyphro (be still, my beating heart) or relationships or home decor or family or theology or whatever - that it's unsurprising that i miss the dinner table conversation we used to have at home.

when i was there in july, my mom and i had a pretty awesome argument (well, heated debate, anyway) about terrorism as a tactic and appropriate responses thereto. our first conversation when i get off the plane usually revolves around books and movies and the news. last night i was telling kat that i couldn't bring home a man who wasn't intelligent, and i'm seeing the soundness of that assessment more and more each hour.

but it's not just about my family's expectations. it's that they remind me what my own expectations are, when i'm honest with myself. when i look through their eyes, there's some fuzziness and distortion for sure. but, in the final analysis, they know me as i really am.

(and they love me anyway!)

that other responsibility i have . . .

it's called school. here's the rundown:
- psalms and wisdom literature with a seminary prof from auc-nuc (ken shoemaker)
- intermediate new testament greek with paul knudtson
- gospel of john with paul knudtson
- history of christianity with paul knudtson
- new testament backgrounds with (you guessed it) paul knudtson

since kevin is putting pics of profs up on his blog, who am i to do otherwise? this is dr. knudtson, who is also the head of my program (theology: biblical studies). sadly, shoemaker is an adjunct, so i have no pics of him.

it's all been pretty intense . . . and good. smaller class sizes this year, and some pretty neat (read: intelligent and God-loving) people in all of them. i'm also trying to sit in on some of mark mealey's intro to philosophy classes, being in love with plato and all. so, yeah. i'm a student, too. it turns out.

fun textbooks include:




p.s. i often sound sarcastic when i don't intend to. i don't think any of the above was meant to be sarcastic.

p.p.s. this is my last edit: above is only one representative textbook for each of my classes. this semester, i have fourteen altogether.

why i blog . . .

i blog because:
1) i'm addicted to messing with code.
2) reading other people's blogs helps me keep in touch when i can, instead of when we can both find the time. i assume the same works for my blog.
3) there are some things that i want random feedback on.
4) mass emails tick everyone off.
5) i meet new people through blogs, and they meet me. i also reconnect with long losts.
6) i may have something to say.
7) the unexamined life is not worth living.
8) public examination can sometimes be as illuminating as private.
9) i like having a forum for expressing my love for people in my life, and for God.

that's enough for now.

p.s. why, yes, i did hear two of my friends describe why they think blogging is dumb today. but, no worries, i still love them.

bee in bonnet

do you ever feel like one nagging idea keeps getting repeated in your life? ever wonder if that's a hint from God? i don't usually have to wonder long - it's usually pretty obvious that if i'm struggling with X and three sermons/songs/random conversations relate to it within a three day period, God might be saying something. just a thought.

it's like premarital counselling

rocky is in discussions with auc-nuc . . . which should come as a surprise to no one affiliated with either school. anyway, it turns out that i get to be part of those discussions! today the student life department (gaileen, karen, lucas, mark, and i) met with their student development & pastoral care department to chat. obviously, details aren't gonna appear on here. but here is what i will say, or rather humbly ask: please pray for us as we try to figure this all out.

thanks!

can't you see that it's just raining . . .

. . . ain't no need to go outside. except that on saturday skoch and i wanted to go to walmart. so we braved the rain and wind, and ended up having a lovely time. after realizing i didn't remember what i was there to buy, we gave up on wandering the aisles aimlessly and focused on skoch's door decorations. the princess theme came together beautifully. we even (finally!) got pictures taken where we're both, you know, looking at the camera. :) and, because you can't go to walmart without stopping in at mcdonald's, we also had some dinner. over fries we shared our thoughts on the difference between a double hamburger and a big mac. then we finished up the shopping and braved more wind and less rain to go home.

sunday, we donned our uniforms (i'll admit it, mine consisted of my tunic, jeans, and pink t-shirt) and went to church. steve is preaching on spiritual warfare for the next few weeks. now there's a subject not often addressed. the foundation for speaking on the demonic and so on is most often anecdotal, but there's definitely plenty of scripture that illuminates the battle we're in. it was great to see him tackle this touchy - and timely - issue. phil locked his keys in the car and peter and amanda gave skoch a computer, so we all took the train together with a huge box. carrying that home was fun. it's all about teamwork. later, a tonne of us watched "mean girls", which continues to be a movie i love. i had actually picked it up at walmart on saturday. i finally got some reading done, realized (for sure, this time!) that i don't remember much of greek at all, and then went to bed. oh, and this morning i slept in and missed my first class. that was mara's weekend. how was yours?

now that i've done the play-by-play, here's an actual thought:
i'm a different person in different environments. at camp i'm one person, at school another. it's not that i'm intentionally deceptive: both people are equally me. it's just a matter of adaptation. with skoch at rocky . . . it's kinda neat to see two parts of me collide.

yeah, that's what it is: it's not that my worlds are colliding, it's that i'm now free to be as i am at camp AND as i am in the city. it's comfy. i like it.

so, if nothing else, that's one benefit of living in the same building as a friend who has known me for two years. i highly recommend it. also, since the above mentioned benefits are by no means exhaustive, i highly recommend friendship with skoch in particular.

time . . .

it feels like there's never enough time. i have so much on the go right now, so much i'm happy about and thinking about and want to share . . . but no time to blog it. i'll try to make it a priority in the next few days. for now, know that i'm in a really good place. and pray for my semester. it's a doozy! (flashbacks of "groundhog day" - the best movie ever made about february 2nd!)

the sky's the limit, eh?

the salvation army's youth magazine - formerly in hard copies and formerly called "the edge" - is now 100% online. it can be found here and it's abfab. check her out.

oh, and thought for the day: i am so overwhelmed by God right now that i think i may explode. He is so big and so good and i love Him muchly. sigh. joy and peace are great.

rethinking

You've probably heard it said that worship is a way of life, an attitude of the heart. Romans 12:1 tells us as much: "present your bodies as living sacrifices, for this is your spiritual act of worship." Whatever your list of "worship duties", none of it compares to laying your life down at the feet of God. But what does that look like?

Last March, a friend of mine found out he had leukemia. At 23 years old, he was given three to six months to live. When he died two months later, I struggled with God. Brandon had had dreams and goals that were never accomplished. Wasn't God supposed to give us the desires of our heart? We're not even talking about crazy dreams - he wanted to get married, to have a family and to be a youth pastor! Isn't that good stuff that God wants for us? I couldn't understand why God would cut his life short. I still don't.

But after spending the whole summer thinking about all this, here's what I came up with: God made us to dream. There's never going to be a time when I run out of dreams. In reality, there's never going to be a point when I can say, "Alright, God. I'm done now. There's nothing left that I want to do." I have my agenda, and it's an endless list of noble, wonderful things I want to get done in my life. I have my agenda, and as long as I cling to it, death will never be welcome. I have my agenda . . . but it's possible that God's may be different.

The truth is, my most important agenda item is checked off: I gave my life over to God almost eight years ago. When I did that, I was supposed to give Him my agenda, too. Not as a wish list, but rather with the words "please, edit this!" scribbled across the top. It's not my agenda that matters anymore, it's God's. When He's done all He wants to do in and through my life, I want the way I die to bring Him glory, too.

It comes to this: I'm ready to go when God says so.

i bit

you scored as primitive salvationist...

you are not ashamed of the gospel or being an out and out salvationist! you firmly believe that we are an ultra-revivalist soul saving mission to the unconverted.


what kind of salvationist are you?
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range of emotion

overwhelmed:
steve, josh, lysa, and danielle are now here. in two days, the residents arrive. (we already have one). it's been a rush of details (some slipping through the cracks) since monday. i think i've lost and found my sanity a hundred times already.

awe:
new orleans is just surreal . . . that it's happening in the wealthiest country in the world and still looks like a refugee camp makes it even harder to take in. send help: www.salvationarmy.ca is one way.

anxiety:
greek. just around the corner. Lord, have mercy.

joy:
skoch is coming here! i like that.