'cause i have nothing to say that's of my own creation . . .

where do i go to sign up for this team? one of the guys in res is on the competitive sitting and drinking chocolate milk team . . . but i don't think i'm quite ready for that yet.











in other news, we got our rmc hoodies today! they're comfy and oversized and have REALLY long hood stringy things. but, yeah. they're super. which reminds me of this . . .















skoch, this one's for you . . .











and, just for good measure - because we are ALL about the good measure around here! - here's one more. yay, toothpaste for dinner! thanks for giving me something to post when i don't feel like trying to make something up.

counting down

when i attended peter and amanda's wedding this past summer, something occured to me: the day amanda had been counting down to - not just since they got engaged but probably since she was a little girl - had come. there's so much anticipation for that, and it had arrived for her. how cool is that?

it's finally happened: a friend of mine from high school is engaged. another friend asked me why i always sound so painfully single on my blog, and that's not my intention. it's just that i'm reminded quite often that people around me are finding partners to share life with, and it makes me warm and fuzzy and hopeful and, yes, even sometimes anxious, inside. but it's all good. no, really.

we're growing up, i guess. don't know whether to laugh or cry. why choose?

well, colour me green

no surprises here: the true colours test tells me i'm green. somewhat terrifying is the fact that gold was tied with blue for second place. GOLD!?! me??? yikes. yikes, i say.

more inane internet games

go to google, type in "[your first name] needs" and search. oh, put your first name in there, not [your first name]. the latter doesn't yield very interesting stuff. list your top ten results.

(for those who don't know, aside from having the most charming meaning *ever*, my name is also the handle used by the hindu god of death. which may explain some of the results below.)

mara needs to get the goddesses to leave earth - either by returning them to heaven, swallowing them up with the soujinki, or whatever.
from the same site: "to improve my standing within hell is my goal." can i just say that THIS mara does NOT share that goal :P

mara needs something conventional medicine cannot supply.
any suggestions?

the type of assistance that mara needs for balance.
includes someone to walk beside her?

the buddha needs mara in order to grow beautifully as a flower and also mara needs the buddha, because mara has a certain role to play.
and what might that be?

to change behavior, mara needs to get its ideas into that master plan.
i'm *assuming* "mara" is an acronym . . .

mara needs to get into the sleeper's room somehow, possibly through a keyhole or window. if all entrances are locked, she cannot continue her seduction.
i've run into that problem many a time, believe you me!

mara needs her rest.
that she do

the mara needs no introduction.
this time they're talking about the river in africa, i think

mara needs to be able to transfer data between an overall layer and a software package they use for planning purposes.
you know, i wouldn't file this under "need". to me this is just a deep spiritual desire.

mara needs all her naturals wits, talents and beauty just to survive from her enemies.
in that case, i think i'll do fine!

one more for good measure:
mara needs to stay focused on the academic goals she's set.
i'm going to go do just that!

some interesting developments

on saturday night, i attended vespers at an orthodox church. there was something stirring and powerfully beautiful about the service. even though they did try to convert us. i think i'll go back some time. it wasn't just the nostalgia factor that was nice.

i slept in yesterday and just missed my train, so i ended up going to steve's church. this may sound silly, but it's nice to have people of different ethnicities in a service. kensington road church is a very gentle place, filled with kind people. not just friendly, you know? it was great to worship with them, even if i was worried about cramping steve's style. it's occured to me recently that the way i've invaded his group of friends, though now welcome, may have been hard for him to take initially. i should apologize for that or something.

kevin and i had a brilliant brainstorm today, giving the world conclusive proof: God has lunch at wendy's, guys! at least He did today. it may just be a monday thing. anyway, since i'm a biblical studies major and he's in systematic theology, kevin and i share a frustration with practicum prospects. then this occured to us: what if we put together and then teach an evening class at our college? we got super excited and started talking details. we'd be focussing on hermeneutics - a basic "how do i read my bible" kinda course. we should have a spiritual theology major on board, and steve is the natural choice. we'd be looking at winter '07, and advertising to churches nearby.

we drove back to school, ran into steve, and shared our idea with him. then we ran up and talked to prof mealey. he liked it. SO the next step is to put together a formal proposal to sell mealey, knudtson and (potentially) peasgood on it. wow, if this works out as envisioned, it should be amazing.

later in the afternoon, i had a difficult conversation in which someone (who barely knows me, by the way) diagnosed some of my theological questions - particularly on the issue of women and ministry, something i've really been wrestling with - as fear and doubt. to me, assuming so is intellectual suicide. anyway, apparently i'm just trying to excuse myself from doing God's will. i could mock this for pages and pages, but the reality is, it really hurt. i have legitimate struggles - not just intellectual ones but heart and soul, flesh and blood stuff. hearing it minimized was humiliating. i'm sure this guy meant well, but his good intentions mean little to me right now. thankfully, i didn't stand alone against him: a friend of mine defended and supported me, reiterating his respect for me. i came out of the experience hurt and frustrated, but also more secure in our friendship.

so, it's been an interesting (the MOST non-commital word ever!) few days. up, mostly, with a little down. but i'm doing better in my heart, and i feel realer than i have in a while. always good.

i love my mommy . . .

in response to a quasi-crisis i'm going through, my mom just introduced to my new best friend: simone de beauvoir.

For a long time I have hesitated to write a book on woman. The subject is irritating, especially to women; and it is not new. Enough ink has been spilled in quarrelling over feminism, and perhaps we should say no more about it. It is still talked about, however, for the voluminous nonsense uttered during the last century seems to have done little to illuminate the problem. After all, is there a problem? And if so, what is it? Are there women, really? Most assuredly the theory of the eternal feminine still has its adherents who will whisper in your ear: "Even in Russia women still are women"; and other erudite persons - sometimes the very same - say with a sigh: "Woman is losing her way, woman is lost." One wonders if women still exist, if they will always exist, whether or not it is desirable that they should, what place they occupy in this world, what their place should be. "What has become of women?" was asked recently in an ephemeral magazine.
from "the second sex", 1949, emphasis added

hey, mr. tallyman . . .

make that six!

oh, what fun!

it's my rebirth-day today.

i'm eight, actually.

i feel younger and older at the same time.

you know?

it's not really a party day.

more of that "not questioning any major doctrines, not falling apart at the seams, but in need of prayer" kinda stuff.

this time, it's about God.

so at least it's actually important . . . you know, in the ultimate sense.

i am eight.

sideways, that's infinity.

strangely coincidental that where i am is perpendicular to where God is.

at least we intersect.

maybe, if i want to better understand God, i should lie down.

what do i mean?

mara alexandra apostol
bitter, defender of men, one sent

:)

unofficially yours . . .

maybe tennyson got it wrong. maybe, in reality, it's in the *fall* that "a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love."

i'm counting . . . yeah, i know at least FIVE couples that have made it official over the last four weeks. that's a lot, isn't it?

you're prolly thinking, "so, mara, how do you feel about that?" glad you asked. i'm really happy for each individual couple! it just seems like a lot of people all at once. i mean, i'm with nav on this one, mostly. it's nice when other people are happy. but i don't think i'm quite as content with my singlehood as she is.

in other news, i had a great weekend! flew to toronto on friday afternoon, arriving at 9pm local time. reconnecting with dani after eight years was crazy! wonderful, but strange, you know? so much has changed for all three of us (ah, the dani, mari, cori clan), but so much is the same. still can't believe she flew me out there.

saturday was a whirlwind: we had a late breakfast, went to pick up tickets for a concert, met up with cori's boyfriend (who passed my "yam test"), watched "the neverending story", had sushi (it was pretty bad for me), met up with natalie and biplob and went to a romanian concert. except the concert ended up not working out too well for us, and we left. cori is working on getting us refunds :( ended the evening off at futures, a bakery in toronto that's right near the uni campus. don't know how i went to school there for three years without spending money on those amazing cakes, but we made up for it saturday night. by the time we got home, we were pretty pooped. (yeah, i did say "pooped"! how cool am i?!)

got up at 6:30 sunday and we left for the airport about an hour later. the plane left at 9:10 and - after enjoying "bewitched" as the inflight movie, sleeping, and reading ONE chapter of my history of xnty textbook - landed at 11:15 local time. it took me until 1:15 to get home.

realized i had missed res so much.

bought stuff and made food and got dressed just in time for steve to pick me up for the theology potluck. the diversity within our department is so beautiful to me. it really blows me away to look around at these people: amanda, michelle, kevin, kat, steve, melanie, barron, faith, abel, joyce peasgood, and paul knudtson. they each bring such valuable things to the table. even aside from the food, i mean :) anyway, i really enjoyed the evening.

rocky hockey started last night at 10:30, so we went off to that after the supper. the fan turnout was encouraging :D do you ever feel like you need permission to be loud? that's what i love about watching live sports . . it's totally expected. free at last, free at last. etc. got home at 1:15, which means i'd been up for 21 hours :P i slept on the couch, my room still being a disaster.

and now it's monday. and i need a weekend to recover. wish we could buy weekends and just use them whenever it's convenient. like, every other day.

p.s. some have mentioned that i haven't been really updating. clearly, i've made up for that with this crazy-long post!

one hundred things to do instead of, you know, living

top 100 movies according to imdb. i've seen some of them. by the way, i'm pretty impressed with the diversity represented on this list. A+

1. The Godfather (1972)
2. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
4. The Godfather: Part II (1974)
5. Shichinin no samurai (1954)
6. Schindler's List (1993)
7. Casablanca (1942)
8. Star Wars (1977)
9. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
10. Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966)
11. Pulp Fiction (1994)
12. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
13. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
14. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
15. Rear Window (1954)
16. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
17. Citizen Kane (1941)
18. Cidade de Deus (2002)
19. The Usual Suspects (1995)
20. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
21. 12 Angry Men (1957)
22. C'era una volta il West (1968)
23. Memento (2000)
24. North by Northwest (1959)
25. Psycho (1960)
26. Goodfellas (1990)
27. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
28. Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, Le (2001)
29. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
30. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
31. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
32. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
33. American Beauty (1999)
34. The Matrix (1999)
35. Fight Club (1999)
36. Apocalypse Now (1979)
37. Vertigo (1958)
38. The Pianist (2002)
39. Paths of Glory (1957)
40. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
41. Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
42. Taxi Driver (1976)
43. The Third Man (1949)
44. Se7en (1995)
45. Hotel Rwanda (2004)
46. Boot, Das (1981)
47. Léon (1994)
48. M (1931)
49. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
50. Double Indemnity (1944)
51. Singin' in the Rain (1952)
52. Chinatown (1974)
53. Crash (2004)
54. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
55. Some Like It Hot (1959)
56. Rashômon (1950)
57. L.A. Confidential (1997)
58. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
59. All About Eve (1950)
60. Untergang, Der (2004)
61. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
62. American History X (1998)
63. Million Dollar Baby (2004)
64. Modern Times (1936)
65. Alien (1979)
66. Raging Bull (1980)
67. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
68. The Incredibles (2004)
69. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
70. Vita è bella, La (1997)
71. The Sting (1973)
72. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
73. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
74. Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
75. Amadeus (1984)
76. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
77. The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
78. The Shining (1980)
79. The Great Escape (1963)
80. City Lights (1931)
81. On the Waterfront (1954)
82. The Apartment (1960)
83. Aliens (1986)
84. Ran (1985)
85. The Wizard of Oz (1939)
86. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
87. Metropolis (1927)
88. Sin City (2005)
89. Touch of Evil (1958)
90. Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)
91. The Great Dictator (1940)
92. Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
93. Braveheart (1995)
94. Donnie Darko (2001)
95. Jaws (1975)
96. Strangers on a Train (1951)
97. Nuovo cinema Paradiso (1989)
98. High Noon (1952)
99. Finding Nemo (2003)
100. Fargo (1996)

simple

maybe it isn't so complicated after all. maybe, despite all the wordy descriptions of the Christian life, it's not so difficult. maybe it's painfully, mysteriously, wonderfully simple. maybe it's like this: love aggressively and stand humbly by the truth.

(maybe geoff ryan is a genius.)

because this is essential stuff

as always, i'm inspired by other blogging friends. (non-blogging friends inspire me, too. no worries!)

seven things i plan to do before i die:
1) write at least two books (i already have titles and premises in mind)
2) get married
3) have children
4) take my children and husband to romania
5) give sermons or teach adults on a regular basis
6) spend time in south america and both koreas
7) come up with hundreds of things i want to do

seven things i can do:
1) cry
2) laugh
3) sympathize - this is a new one for me!
4) analyse
5) rise to the occasion
6) dream
7) hope

seven things i cannot do:
1) drive a car
2) conjugate in romanian
3) remember how to sign the word "enough"
4) research
5) dribble a basketball with my head up
6) pray for very long
7) make it through "sister act" without crying

seven things i find attractive about the opposite sex:
1) taller than me - my mom has ingrained that preference in me!
2) vulnerability - i feel safest when i know we're both vulnerable
3) intelligence - and not just about God-stuff
4) excellence - in almost any area
5) sobriety - approaching life as it is, without rose-coloured glasses, but with hope
6) intercession - it is so moving to know that someone is talking to God about my struggles!
7) tenderness - there's no substitute

seven things i say the most:
1) "wow."
2) "holy crap/cow/snot/crow!"
3) "you think?"
4) "i love you so much..."
5) "shut up!"
6) "really?"
7) "well, my bible says . . . "

seven books i love:
1) "bridge to terabithia" - katherine patterson
2) "what's so amazing about grace?" - philip yancey
3) "a chair for my mother" - vera b. williams
4) "murder on the orient express" - agatha christie
5) "the trial and death of socrates" - plato
6) "fugitive pieces" - anne michaels
7) "the chosen" - chiam potok

so, i'm sitting in tim hortons . . .

. . . and the song "it's in his kiss" comes on. you know, "does he love me, i wanna know; how can i tell if he loves me so?"

here's a great collection of tips for guys wondering "does she love me?" anyone available to write a version for women?

p.s. it's not rated pg.

twenty-three

wiseman tagged me.

1. find your archive.
2. find your twenty-third post.
3. find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. tag five other people to do the same.

the fifth sentence of my twenty-third post was:

"the woods are lovely, dark, and deep."*

i'm tagging: g.mango, skoch, fil, kevin, and nav.

mwahaha.

* incidentally, i've been thinking about that frost poem lately. weird.

like an ogre, only smaller

well, it has layers, anyway. i used to read the onion quite regularly, but i've gotten out of the habit. just checked back: still funny, still potentially offensive. check out this satirical newspaper's stories on census issues, intelligent design, and archaeological finds, among other things.

always right

yesterday's song made a lot of sense to me. recently, i've been intentionally trying to figure out how to be a good friend. it's all inspired by one friend of mine - someone i care deeply about - who has been going through a lot. there is so much i want to say, but - as it turns out - i don't know how to show support, give comfort, encourage, or in any other way help.

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

wow.

i try to tell myself that it is complicated: gotta have the right words at the right time and so on. maybe that's all wrong, though.

shouldn't be so complicated

spent the afternoon with amanda a. at costco and ikea. listened to some good ol' tunes. in 2001, this band was opening for someone else i liked (can't remember who) and i so wanted to go see them in toronto. alas, it didn't work out. to make up for that, we listened to their second album a few hundred times today.

any song that starts with "and" is sure to win my heart. here's one now:

and if i fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
and if i get too tired to make it
be my breath so i can walk

and if i need some other love then
give me more than i can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around i'll smile again

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together
keep breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent

and if i couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
i know you think i need a lot

i started out clean but i'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin

chorus

start bending me
it's never enough
i feel all your pieces
start bending me
keep bending me until
i'm completely broken in

shouldn't be so complicated
just touch me and then
just touch me again

can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together
keep breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent
and without understanding

hell, i'll go there again
can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together.
you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent.
~matchbox twenty

despite appearances. . .

oh, skoch. you and i both know that you're a lifelong member of the "not attracted to mara" club. now that you and josh have designed your t-shirts, any claims to the contrary could result in being disfellowshipped by said club. careful!

in that spirit, i was thinking today that there are several good reasons why skoch and i could never and should never date:
10) skoch and socks? he's a goat and i'm a fashionable accessory. we're practically from two different worlds! ;)
9) the age difference is troublesome. i prefer guys who are at least six years younger or ten years older.
8) he's prettier than me.
7) i'm not sure i embody the "spirit of randomness" . . .
6) we're far too comfortable with each other. dating should be all about awkward silences and misunderstandings.
5) too many people think we're engaged. i don't like giving in to the general consensus.
4) i'm not sure if he's pre-trib or post-trib, and that's a deal-breaker.
3) he has dated a close friend of mine. to me, that makes him off-bounds.
2) i really do try not to date guys who aren't attracted to me.
1) most importantly, if i were dating skoch, whose shoulder would i cry on when we ran into problems?

reasons why we should date (i could only think of three)
3) when two worlds come together - like birds of different feathers - there's joy in the air, and what a pair we'd make together.
2) he's got the sentimentality thing down to an art.
1) dating each other and then breaking up would guarantee that we both get married in the next 2 years!