this just in!

i found a ring. well, sort of. i found out where it lives online. so, if you have an extra 200USD you want to give me . . . who are we kidding, i'd use the money to buy books. but if you went out and bought the ring for me, i wouldn't refuse it. after all, marriage isn't the only love-knot.

p.s. it's all about the celtic. i'm digging the trinity knot, too.

feathers

listen to my prayer, o God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. my thoughts trouble me and i am distraught . . . my heart is in anguish within me . . . fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.

i said, "oh, that i had the wings of a dove! i would fly away and be at rest- i would flee far away and stay in the desert; selah i would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."

if an enemy were insulting me, i could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, i could hide from him. but it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom i once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.
~psalm 55:1-8, 12-14

even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
~isaiah 40:30-32

after having heard it a thousand times, it is somehow truer in this moment than ever before.

mm-hmmm

michelle and i talked about doubt today. here are some things i don't doubt:
a) God is real.
b) all of who God is loves all of who i am.
c) if all of who i am loved all of who God is, that'd be cool.
d) i will get hurt this week.
e) i will hurt someone this week.
f) if i hurt fewer people, that'd be cool.
g) some people care about me.
h) i care about some people.
i) if i cared about some people more, that'd be cool. even without the guarantee that some people would care more about me.
j) if i cared about more people, that'd be cool. even without the guarantee that more people would care about me.

also, although it doesn't fall in the same category as the stuff above - which is not to say that i doubt it in the least - fil is wonderful. i recommend her highly.

assorted loves

A. ROMANCE
as part of our continuing pursuit of the official title of most single people on the planet - a goal we take very seriously indeed, i assure you! - my dear friend skoch and i decided to come up with lists of "significant other non-negotiables", to narrow the field as we each search for our soulmates or whatever.

now, skoch's list ain't online yet - i'd be surprised if he's written one down, actually, given how busy he's been with . . . stuff. in any case, i have busily been composing my lists. why the use of the plural, you ask? well, you see, there are various categories of criteria, perhaps more depending on what sort of geek you are. i'm a geek of the highest order, but i still only managed to compose four separate lists. here, then, are two of them:

negotiable:
1) knows the names of all the members of the seaver family, including the foster son
2) can sing any of the four "solos" in the monstar theme song from "space jam"
3) is giddy about greek
4) has read something by victor hugo or jane austen, and doesn't mind talking about it
5) knows pi to seven digits
6) buys flowers for his mom for "no special reason"
7) comes up with a story/joke/question to liven things up when conversations die
8) makes good sand castles
9) knows what the "cone of silence" is
10) regularly quotes: a) invader zim b) st:tng c) "adventures in odyssey"

non-negotiable:
1) knows what captain jean-luc picard's favourite beverage is (swoon if he enjoys it himself)
2) owns the soundtracks to at least five movies
3) plays with numbers for fun (double swoon if he does is without even noticing)
4) knows what the integral of 2(pi)r is, and why it's relevant
5) can rhyme with delicacy and creativity
6) has read "le petit prince" and loved it
7) picks movies to watch based on cast/director/producer/writer, and not plot
8) owns a t-shirt that he "made" himself
9) knows the next three books he plans to read
10) regularly quotes: a) scripture - but only if it's done humorously b) himself c) me

B. FRIENDSHIP
speaking of skoch, back in the fall he started a "band" called "divided". obviously, it's stellar. so, please listen to his stuff. he and josiah are amazing . . . and half the res is involved in their back-up vocals and instrumentation. btw, "joy" is my favourite song. "just a friend" is also super, even though it's pretty much a cover . . . with some uber-interesting edits.

lest you think skoch is the only friend i have (:P) i should mention: lately, my friends have been simply awesome. deniss is one of them. he listens to me and takes me for walks when i'm crying. janet is another one. she tells me when i hurt her and helps me love her better. friends are great.

C. FAMILY

'nuff said.

even now . . .

things like this are happening. will you pray?

what are others doing?

p.s. i have no doubt that my blog will get silly and trivial again soon. no worries.

make it go away or make it better . . .

so, maybe crying doesn't solve the problem . . . but sometimes compassionate prayer and weeping is all i have to offer. and that's ok. it may even be good.

yoink!

stole this from peter: check it out! highlight the section below to read my reaction:
i first saw this on peter's blog, and because he'd seen it at a youth pastor conference, i assumed it was supposed to be about God. "He's got the whole world" was prolly the first God-related song i ever learned, with "father abraham" as a close second. (confession #1: i didn't recognize kevin garnett. confession #2: i kept wondering how a Christian group got the cash to put something high-quality together.) SO, all that said, i loved the ad. it's clever and creative. more than that, though: because i was thinking about Jesus, i found it moving. when people get out of their cars and pile out of buses and run to him? dude. :) i liked it.

i long . . .

to be scared and yet to fight.
to learn to drive, to thrive, to strive.
to really write.
to be generous - invite, not bite.
to walk with my mom, sing with my sister, talk with my dad.
to collect sunsets, swingsets, butterfly nets, sunrises, surprises.
to ditch the disguises.
to read for pleasure and for pain, to play in the rain.
to chase horizons and kids and breezes.
to laugh with the twilight when it teases.
to pray and dance and swim . . . and all with Him.
to look out, and in, and everywhere.
to stay in touch, but not so much that i stop missing.
to be alone, to be silent, to be whole.
to set a goal.
to fail, to wail, to go slower than the slowest snail and so
to see what i had always hurried by before . . . but no more?
to rewind, unbind, and there find healing.
to know and trust - and not just nod - that nothing is impossible with God.

read skoch's blog

this. (minus the typos)

x2

i'll praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where i am
every tear i've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
i will praise You in this storm
~ casting crowns, "praise You in this storm"

sometimes i think God's hands must be getting full . . .

you know . . .

sometimes the only word that feels accurate starts with an f and rhymes with truck.

sometimes i feel like i should be screaming for God instead of crying alone. in a computer lab.

sometimes this stinks.

wise friend profile #1:

name: laura-fil brown

length of acquaintance: 2.67ish years; about 1.75ish years of really talking

location: lethbridge, alberta

telling quotes:
1: it's entirely unreasonable to expect people who aren't Jesus-followers to strive toward becoming more Christ-like (i.e. not sinning). i mean, how ludicrous would it be for me to expect my father (not artsy) to think and act more like an artist, despite the fact that he has not shown any desire to assume that as his identity? if, however, he had decided to become an artist but was not producing any work, visiting galleries, studying art history or reading about contemporary art theories and ideas...i think, based on a loving relationship, it would be totally appropriate for me to be like, "hey pops, what the cheese do you think you're doing?! you should really consider getting your act together!" except probably not phrased in exactly that manner. that would just be weird.

2: her royal majesty and i went to dinner at a beautiful italian cafe [coco pazzo] and ate absolutely marvelous meals and a marvelous desert and then [more marvelous!] the waitress came and told us that the couple who had been sitting at the table across from ours had paid for our meals. i do not kid you when i say i nearly cried. cuz i did. things like that make me glad to be human.

my conversion: (she knows this) two years ago-ish, thinking about conversing with fil inspired heart palpitations for me. simply had no clue how to communicate with her. not sure what happened then - assume supernatural (if not extra-terrestrial) intervention. today she is not only uber-dear to me, but my constant tutor in a wide range of good things: really loving people (no, really), really loving God (no, really), the difference between maturing and aging, what to be angry about and what to let slide. i get the impression, too, that she doesn't realize how wise she is. she's prolly not tutoring me on purpose, which works out well, since i couldn't afford to pay her anyway.

my conclusion: fil is wise. wisdom isn't cold and detached - it's passionate, reflective, delicate, strong, and beautiful. like fil.

this just in

a few minutes ago, i was 24 years old . . .
297 months old
1,290 weeks old
9,030 days old
216,727 hours old
13,003,200 minutes old
780,192,000 seconds old
give or take.

lately i've been inventing a lot of terrible hypothetical dilemmas. well, a lot of "which is worse?"-type questions. which reminds me of "so i married an axe murderer":

---

tony: okay, i got another one! what's worse: the cable goes out and you're left with synchronized swimming, or . . .
charlie: okay . . . or, you're stuck on the bay bridge in traffic and you've just had two strong cups of coffee and three bran muffins.
harriet: no, wait. i have a good one. what's worse? you go to a restaurant, your favourite restaurant, order your favourite meal, take a bite . . . and under the steak is a scabby band-aid. all: or . . .
susan: or . . . or . . . being electrocuted.
tony: and?
susan: that's it. i was electrocuted once. it was horrible.
harriet: oh, well, that's . . .
tony: that's a crying shame.
charlie: can we get our check, please? thanks a lot. (pause) electrocuted.

---

i like steak. (hold the band-aid)

wow.

so, i resigned from my job . . . which i won't talk about in detail here. but, turns out, that makes six staff members who won't be finishing the year.

so, yikes.

so, pray?

my new hero: st. benedict

bet that title would not impress him too much. perhaps i should have thought that through . . .

alas, i don't know where the [<-backspace] is on this keyboard. maybe it got deleted.

despite my apparent silliness, i'm actually not kidding about my new-found appreciation of the founder of the benedictines. here is a neat snippet on lenten fasting:

fast from judging others; feast on the Christ dwelling in them.
fast from emphasis on differences; feast on the unity of life.
fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.
fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.
fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.
fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.
fast from anger; feast on patience.
fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.
fast from worry; feast on divine order.
fast from complaining; feast on appreciation.
fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.
fast from unrelenting pressure; feast on unceasing prayer.
fast from hostility; feast on nonresistance.
fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.
fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.
fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal truth.
fast from facts that depress; feast on verities that uplift.
fast from discouragements; feast on hope.
fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.
fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.
fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.
fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.
fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that undergirds.
from a benedictine website as quoted in the tablet, 3 march 2001, p325 (via jonny baker) posted by steve on south meadow's blog

attention, g.mango: prepare to roll your eyes

"so . . . what is love? good night."
~ message from a friend, received late late on valentine's night

"i don't know exactly what it is, but it's what i want to offer you, always. good night."
~ reply to a friend, late late on valentine's night

prof. mealey talks a lot about how romance isn't what love is all about. how the best marriages are partnerships between the best people. and there is choice and sacrifice and so on involved. it's not all fun and games, folks.

steve mentioned a couple weeks ago that many romantic comedies implicitly argue that marriage is true love's greatest nemesis. seriously, almost all of meg ryan's movies involve her leaving one guy for the love of her life. granted, we can have false starts, realizing only later that we're settling. but the number of broken engagements and marriages that are celebrated in film is deplorable. that's right: deplorable!

real love, of course, is when a man fights for my family's honour (fitzwilliam darcy) or patiently waits for me, hoping that the fool i'm with won't hurt me (christopher brandon) or whatever the case may be.

and for all that . . . really, g.mango, i wouldn't get married just for the conversation. may have blogged on that before, but i can't find it now. see, i rather like the passionate side of things. cold, calculated commitment doesn't thrill me. i want the passion - not drama, mind you, but passion. warmth and mystery and that fear that comes with being vulnerable and that irrational protectiveness and a wee bit of "you make me melt" . . . sigh. so, i want real love that inspires those feelings.

it's wonderful to think that i won't have to choose between passion and commitment. i want both, and i will never settle for less.

(fyi, in case it's not apparent, on this particular day i'm wishing that would happen soon.)

"i really do want world peace"

some coincidences are almost too crazy to handle: in one of my more contemplative moments, i reflected on gracie hart/freebush and her transformation in "miss congeniality." utterly inspired, i decided to give my next blog entry the title above. then, while reading cheniese's most recent post, i found this pic. how strange.

also, as steve pointed out, timmy's roll-up-the-rim and lent began on the same day! hmmmm . . . conspiracy? i think so! (seriously, maybe i should pray for canadians who gave up caffeine for lent . . .)

but what i really want to say is this: before our midterm yesterday, our greek class was talking about the ethics of marrying someone so he/she can stay in the country. the question that arose was: "which is worse, marrying someone of the same sex for that purpose, or marrying someone of the opposite sex for that purpose?" if you know me, you know where i stood. thoughts?

earworms

i often wonder how i get songs stuck in my head. according to one study on so-called earworms, if you hear a scrap of a song, but not the entirety, there's a terrifyingly high chance that it will haunt you for the rest of the day. which does nothing to explain why i've had "girl, you'll be a woman soon" in my head all day. looked up the lyrics . . . and, i'm really not sure what that's about.

lent: giving up white noise. putting away movies and cds - they're only for social time, working out, or those special moments when i need entertainment. i mean, not just to fill up time or distract me from work. and, more importantly, not just to drown out the silence. i want to learn to be comfortable with silence. ack!

nav reminded me of this beautiful description of love:
"when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth." ~billy, age 4