ache

newsflash: you can't have it all

i've babysat aidan for about twelve hours in the last twenty-six, and i can say this with confidence: working and having children at the same time is impossible. i couldn't give him the attention and energy he deserved because of the other things on my mind - papers, presentations, etc.

children deserve fidelity, just like spouses do.

fun fact

you can't have second thoughts if you're not having thoughts at all.

file that away for a rainy day!

firsts

counter-clockwise:

a) i've never been stood up before, as far as i can remember. that was a treat . . . in that it was the opposite of a treat. picture me, in a starbucks armchair, forced to resort to brian mclaren for company. yikes!!!

the scariest thing is that you don't just figure "maybe their movie ran late" or "maybe there's craaazy traffic going south on crowchild . . . at 9pm . . . in the north north west." for half an hour you also wonder, "are they dead?" which proves, yet again, that pain is an opportunity to remember how great joy is.

relax: my friends aren't dead. their movie ran craaaaazy late. and they missed me by seven minutes. and they're sorry comma wonderful.

b) walked biscuit twice today . . . his baggies are pink. (are they scented? that would add a little something extra, don't you think?) he's whining now, so i'll keep this short.

c) have you ever tried to come up with reasons your straight friends seem gay? there's a three-item list for kevin (don't bother following the link, he hasn't updated since shortly after the flintstones went off the air) and ross (he updates more often, but his blog always breaks this computer) thusfar. we're working on it.

d) watching two paradigm-shifting movies back to back? dangerous. in this case, v for vendetta with the lovely heather and then stay all by myself. and when i say "back to back" i mean that there was a thirty minute gap between bidding farewell to heather and greeting ryan gosling. (p.s. sigh) anyway, conclusion? masks can be real and reality can be an illusion. in that order.

ross and rachel

on any given day, i'm attaching value to the people, books, experiences, songs, ideas, and pygmy menu items i interact with. they are worth something to me. today, ross and michelle and i were talking about how you determine what something/someone is worth. ross said that, when it comes to buying things, he considers how many hours of work he has to put in to get it. if, in return for working a particular shift, his boss gave him a particular product instead of cash, would he be ok with that?

over lunch, some of us were talking about kids. steve joked that he and his wife will sit down, plan out their lives, and figure out which span of 18 years is most rational for child-rearing. i quipped, "hmm . . . i think i'm ok with completely surrendering my autonomy and agenda for these eighteen years!" i don't know much, but i'm confident that having children is never convenient. it is always always always a sacrifice.

during my reading of genesis just now, an old story struck me in a new way: jacob meets a beautiful woman - it's his cousin, but let's ignore that for the moment - and falls in love with her. his uncle says, "i'll hire you as a shepherd! name your wages!" jacob says, "let me work seven years in exchange for marrying rachel."

i get that there are things about this that should offend me: women being treated like chattel, etc. but, in light of the conversations i had earlier today, i wasn't offended. i was moved. the writer of genesis says that the seven years felt like only a few days to jacob.

oh, to be loved like that. and, what's more: to love like that.

kaddish

my mom had a kindergarten in our home more than twenty years ago. one of our favourite games was playing house. miron was my husband. we would go and buy potatoes together.

we visited miron and his family in montreal more than ten years ago. he ate escargots. i still prefered potatoes.

miron gabriel deca (mutunica)
on saturday, september 9, 2006 at toronto. beloved son of tereza barta and anghel deca. loving fiance of olga evstifeeva. dear brother of daniella, stefana, and roman. he will also be remembered by doru bandol and his dear friends. loving him infinitely and missing him forever. at benjamin's park memorial chapel for service on monday, september 11, 2006 at 3:00 p.m. interment: the pride of israel section of mount sinai memorial park. shiva: 154 st. john's road.

magnified and sanctified be God's great name in the world which He created according to His will. may He establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. let us say, amen.
may God's great name be blessed forever and ever. blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though God is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. let us say, amen.
may there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. let us say, amen.
let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. let us say, amen.

sigh no more

as i lay in bed this morning, pondering love, a scene from much ado about nothing sprang to mind. benedick (kenneth branagh) is knee-deep in water, splashing along in the fountain, laughing to himself. beatrice (emma thompson) is leaning back in a swing, beaming from ear to ear. a soaring melody - strong, jubilant, triumphant - plays in the background. that scene has always been my picture of what love should be like - the feeling itself, i mean.

that was this morning. tonight, much ado about nothing was on tv. and i randomly tuned in just before the scenes described above. that's a pretty weird coincidence, if you ask me. (and even if you don't.)

p.s. i finally broke down and watched the notebook: apparently, you don't really love someone if "you don't laugh, you don't touch, you don't play . . ." that pairing of love and play really hits home with me. sigh. ;-)

breaking my own rules

i'm not a fan of "what if"s . . . but here are a few anyway. just to leave me conflicted and wondering.

what if i never worry again?
what if life stays this good?
what if the headaches don't stop?
what if growing apart is all that's ahead?
what if loss never stops hurting?
what if it's simpler than i imagined?
what if it's not about thinking or feeling or doing or even being?
what if i love you without knowing you?
what if the campfire smoke can't wash away?
what if 84 hours make all the difference?
what if i learn to walk?
what if i'm loved without knowing it?

what if i'm looking for answers to these questions, and i'm not just being a whimsical smart-ass?

like rain

kat and rick are married now . . . to describe their wedding in a few words, it was the best of who they are, as individuals, as a couple, as a part of a community of love.
the hours of driving, getting lost, finding our way - both geographically and figuratively - with kevin and ross were priceless. and i hope it's just the beginning.
sometimes God listens.
or maybe it's just that sometimes i notice.
i am not worried . . . i am not overly concerned.