"we will have these moments to remember..."

go-go-gatchety-kitchen!

more than ten months ago, i listed some of the things i would register for, were i in a position to solicit gifts. well, here's some news: you can buy kitchen stuff yourself! you don't have to wait to get engaged and ask other people to buy it for you! here's some of the progress i've made:


gadgets and tools:
- oil mister - got one in our secret santa random exchange! how lucky am i? so lucky!
- mandoline - bought one last spring and have only suffered one mini-amputation so far!
- good spatulas - bought one yesterday! it's cranberry-coloured!

appliances:
- rice cooker - got one in july for sushi making! have also made mamaliga and quinoa in there.
- i said that if i had a food processor and an immersion blender i wouldn't need a blender qua blender, but then one day at steven and chris they gave all of us kitchenaid blenders! it's not yet clear if this will be mine in the long run, 'cause i'm definitely leaving it here when i go off to law school. but let me just say: i love this thing!

now that i know i'm moving, buying stuff is a bit different. i'm trying to figure out what will be important to take with me. which clothes? which of my elephants? which books? which household things? it's a little early to make decisions, but certainly not too early for my impending move to affect my shopping. my boyfriend lives a very "spartan" life - his words - and took his time to settle into his new place. i put art up on his walls when i came to visit more than a month in. his couch came after i left, and bookshelves later still. i admire how careful he is about investing in his home, but the place was so much warmer once i put some pictures on the wall! maybe there's a happy medium there - a way to achieve practical nesting.

how do you decide whether to buy something?

three gifts

i eaves-read another person's book on the subway today and was inspired by this question: "what three values would you most want to instill in your children?"

the first one that sprang to mind was generosity. dr. mark greene's dying words to his daughter, rachel, were: "be generous. with your time. with your love. with your life... be generous, always."



i kind of want those to be my first words to my children.

curiosity: the world is a wonder, and when i catch myself less than in awe, i know i am in trouble. i don't want my children to be often in that kind of trouble.

integrity: even when it's all you've got, it can keep you warm at night.

what would you give?

hitting the road

the terry fox run is in just five months, and this year i'm really training for it! (are you running? you should! it's fun!)

last year i completed the 10k in 100 minutes. this wasn't super, but i was very happy with the fact that 10 min/km wasn't just my *average* speed but also my *consistent* pace throughout the course.

so, training: the ravine near my house is a wonderful place to get ready for september. it's only 2km from end to end, but that's a decent start. here's the plan i'm following, brought to me (and now you!) by sparkpeople.com! it's your basic "walk a little, jog a little" routine, where the proportion of walking to jogging decreases over a twelve-week period. i've been out there twice this week, and here are my observations, so far:

- midday isn't the best time for jogging
even though i walk/jog in a ravine, there are lots of clear patches, and it gets really, really hot. that climb out of the ravine nearly killed me today! drinking more will definitely help, but so will getting out of the house before noon.

- good shoes are super; laces that like to undo themselves aren't
i need to find a solution to the latter problem!

- having to check the time constantly is annoying
i've created a week 1 playlist for my ipod shuffle. it alternates between four-minute and one-minute songs, that way i know to switch gears when a new song starts!

- 4k ain't so bad!
because the twelve-week plan slowly increases the amount of jogging, it starts at about 4k per outing and peaks at just under 8. that leaves me about a month to go from 8 to 10 k... i hope that's feasible!

even if i end up walking the last bit at 10 min/km, i'll finish in 83 minutes - 17 minutes better than last year! and if i stay on pace with the first 8k, i'll finish in 78, an improvement of 22 minutes! (these numbers aren't perfect because, if i really keep this up, even my walking might be faster!)

this project comes at a good time for me: not only do i have lots of openings in my schedules, but it feels wonderful to be moving again... and with purpose. when i used to work out on an elliptical machine, i knew how much time to aim for, how many calories i typically burned, and what the difficulty level was. it wasn't aimless jogging because i had information and knew more or less what i was accomplishing. although the gauges are a bit different here, it feels similarly intentional.

and intentional feels good.

plus, there were dogs and blue-purple flowers today. and beauty is very good.

hodgepodge

as a result of a solar conspiracy of unprecedented proportions, it looked like it was fifteen degrees outside today! it was somehow easier to put up with the crazy wind and the minus five because... well, isn't blue the best colour for a sky? i asks ya!

i submitted a draft of my thesis last night and, though it wasn't everything i'd hoped it would be, i'm reasonably happy with its progress. it'll be super by the end of the month, and i look forward to defending it in march. i even have shoes to wear for the defense! :-D

it's been a while since i've talked about my cooking adventures, and there have been two notable ones: first, i made clementine cookies that pretty much rocked my world. they were based on sydney's lemon sugar cookies and made the entire kitchen smell like satsuma. these will certainly be repeated! the same week, i baked some berry muffins with oatmeal, cherry yogurt, and orange juice in them. while they tasted like a good morning, the blackberries were a little seedy and made some bites a little awkward. i think i'll stick with bluebreeze and raspbreeze in the future.

in other news, i'm seriously considering playing the euphonium once in a while. when no one is at home, bien sur.

finally, do yourself a favour: cook up some minced pork, rent the bill murray classic, and make your groundhog day a special one. i know i will!

the funniest thing so far today

parental guidance - or a sense of humour that allows for gratuitous swearing - required. but seriously. awesome stuff: the author of f u, penguin furiously responds to the paralyzing cuteness of the animal kingdom... one species at a time.

i'm serious about the degree of swearing, btw: it's quite something. you really won't find this funny if that's a problem for you. don't say i didn't warn you.

update: if you're not into swearing at cute animals, but enjoy a little snark, cake wrecks
may be right up your alley. it features hilarious baked creations five days a week and actual works of cake art on sundays. enjoy!

picture this

2009...

it was to be a year of weddings, renewed friendships, goodbyes, and hellos...

cori got married and we danced.

i finished my course work and carried an orange balloon.

i turned 28 and made an awesome cake.

i went to the bahamas and studied for the lsat.

i went to collingwood and played on the swings with nancy and pat.

i said goodbye to cori and made her a cake.

mon got married and we danced.

i got my lsat score and nearly wept with joy.

i went all out for hallowe'en but no one else did!

while on a research trip, i commemorated the 20th anniversary of the fall of the berlin wall.

i celebrated the holidays with more "family" than ever before - friends so close they're family, my little sister's in-laws, distant cousins in london, my little sister, her husband, and my parents. and i missed my older sister and her fiance.

there was a lot more in there... new ideas, new areas of research, major life decisions (like applying to law school), terrible disappointments (the detainee allegations and the recent proroguing of parliament rank high, but there were personal ones, too). but there was growth. and there were good tears.

not bad for a year's work. on to the next!

london sweets

the best hot chocolate i've ever had, trafalgar square

anna's christmas cookies

german mini pancakes, south bank of the thames

anna's pavlova (mmmm...)

glasses

madonna and child (me and eddie).

globu, globu!

my chubby fingers reached for the christmas ornament and mom tentatively placed the shiny sphere in my hand. within seconds, it was on the ground, in pieces. to this day, whenever i reach for something delicate, i hear mom’s singsong voice: globu, globu! it reminds me that, as a two-year-old, i begged for and was entrusted with a treasure, only to fail miserably as its steward.

the 26-year gap between that christmas and today seems to have done little to shake the feeling that i cannot handle the fragile. it is enough to make me hesitate before i reach out. i pause for a moment and consider: can't i enjoy this beautiful thing without touching it, without risking it? perhaps i can relish it by observation, rather than experience. we will both be safer that way.

even the things i love most – especially the things i love most – i am bound to be too aggressive with, to smother, to crush. my fingers are not nimble enough, my grip is too tight, and i find myself counting down to the inevitable disappointment of loss.

~ adapted from my "soul paper," 2004.

putting my red queen face on

this hallowe'en, inspired by tim burton's new take on alice in wonderland and countless youtube how-to videos, i decided to recreate(ish) the look of the red queen, as played by helena bonham carter.

enjoy the step-by-step!



two hours later, all made-up, i just added a regal costume (all stuff i had in the house) and a red wig. oh, and a crown and a card-deck purse i made myself!



and then i went off to my very important date!

's-one-derful

the raw materials:


the finished product:


ginger and green tea cake with green tea frosting.
thinly peeled cantaloupe and wasabi frosting on the side.

happy belated birthday to me!

two thumbs up!

i'm fairly sure the "product" reviews i've done on here have been focused on restaurants, books, movies, and yummy ingredients. it's high time i branched out to beauty products! this might not interest all of you, so feel free to go eat some fruit and cheese instead.

after ogling it a few times at my local drugstore, i finally decided to invest in a clean & clear advantage blackhead eraser* on the basis of a review on cosmo's website - by a man!

a little background on what informed this tremendous gamble: most face cleansers cause problems for me, because i have normal skin most places, dry skin on my forehead, around my eyebrows, and along my jawline, and blackheads but not super-oily skin on my nose. biore strips remove the blackheads but leave the pores wide open for attack - and that's not something cold water can fix. exfoliating masks don't get inside the pores, either. it's not that i'm uber lazy... but i don't care for laborious or costly attempts at solving this. as long as my skin is basically clean and healthy, i don't worry too much about blemishes and such. however, if this product could do what it promised - actually *reduce* the chances of recurring blackheads - it was worth a try. plus, facials are fun.

short of an actual scrubbing pad, which clean&clear makes and i've purchased many times before, this is the simplest thing ever. also, it's kind of fun. you attach a medicated pad onto the velcro top, turn the little device on, and quickly run it under the tap. as you slowly rub it all over your wet face, it vibrates, removing dead skin and applying that magical ingredient (salicylic acid, embedded in the pad) which "dissolves blackheads." um: it really does. a final wash with cold water removes the suds and leaves your face feeling smooth and beautiful. or, you know, clean and... clear.

they recommend repeating this process every three-four days, which means i'll need a refill pack of medicated pads (about $7) every ten weeks. that brings the annual total cost to about $54. seems quite reasonable to me.

experience: a
results: a
long-term: ?

i'll keep you updated! i know you'll be waiting on the edge of your seats ;)

*note that the price listed on the website isn't what i paid. at my shoppers drugmart, that kit was $25.99 and included the device, 20 one-use medicated pads, and the requisite AA battery.

8

i heard my mom on the phone once, finding out her friend had leukemia... nu se poate (it can't be) was all i could make out. it can't be, it can't be... but it is, you know? it's hard to escape stories of people sick and dying, people in pain, in general - i know you guys are all touched by hurt, too, whether it's your own or that of other people. it's like all that stuff in the united states of leland: if you look deep enough into anyone's eyes, it's like there's this tremendous sadness, and they're just fighting to bury it under pta meetings and card games and status reports and facebook and shoes and books and movies and garbage.

i was thinking about how irrational love can be. i was thinking about how, when i sit beside nancy and no one's at home, i ask her, "are you happy?" and there is no earthly reason to hope that she will ever be happy, let alone be able to tell me that she's happy. how love is about hoping against all odds, without ignoring the sadness. i don't know what st. paul was on about, separating faith, hope, and love. i mean, you can argue with me if you really want, but i'm pretty sure those three aren't that distinct from one another.
 
my dad and i were talking about what it would be like to actually live each day as if it were your last. i joked that your friends and relatives would finally say, "listen, i get that you love me... you don't have to call every day and spend an hour on the phone with me, telling me how much you value me. i get it, i really, really do." sometimes i wonder if anything "practical" could get done if i took love seriously. maybe what scares me most about death is that there isn't enough time to really love people. maybe the beatles were right: eight days a week is not enough to show i care.

10

this song popped up on my ipod the other day and i was struck by how well it described the way i felt about god, particularly toward the end of those ten years...



these parts especially resonated:

i sang your songs, i danced your dance
i gave your friends all a chance
but putting up with them
wasn't worth never having you*...

well, if i was in your position
i'd put down all my ammunition
i'd wonder why'd it'd taken me so long

but lord knows that i'm not you
and if i was, i wouldn't be so cruel
'cause waitin' on love ain't so easy to do

(*not in a blanket sense. but, yes, this resonates profoundly)

the music video makes me wonder whether i'd like to turn back time. and in many ways, i would. my life would be very different if i hadn't begun attending church in 1997. my career path, my family life, my friendships. but maybe i'm better for having arrived here the way i did. maybe it's ok to go down some painful paths, because otherwise you'd always be wondering about them. plus, i have met some wonderful people and learned some crucial lessons along the way.

in fact, i know i'm more compassionate to those who disagree with me than i used to be. maybe that just comes with growing up and caring less about "winning." or maybe spending ten years thinking a lot about character and integrity and sacrifice and kindness and truth and beauty has been good for my soul. so it's not so much about regret as... cutting my losses.

d. and i are speaking again, which is to say that he's arguing with me again. and i now realize what my sister was talking about when she said, "all christians seem to care about is whether i'm a christian." again, a blanket statement, so not quite accurate. but still... it hints at something real. and silly. and even a little painful.

there are a few things i'm an evangelist for: lars and the real girl, asparagus, chick peas, the west wing, toronto's ravines, and some social justice issues. but i hope i always, always care more about the people i'm talking to than i do about being right.

v e pentru viaţă, care este şi grea şi frumoasă!*

* v is for life, which is both hard and beautiful!

p is for prosciutto

pork and i have a strange relationship. i'm really quite ambivalent about it. (truth be told, i have no idea what it thinks of me.) bacon and pork chops are fantastic, but the ham+melon thing makes no sense to me, and pancetta is odd in more ways than one.

despite all that, i'd heard such goooood things about prosciutto that i decided to give it a try by making up some super sandwiches: two slices of swiss, one thin slice of prosciutto wrapped around three spears of asparagus, and a squeeze or two of honey mustard. arrange on pre-toasted multigrain bread, and broil in the oven until the cheese melts.

you'll be tempted to just stare, basking in its beauty and aroma... but please don't forget to eat it!

o is for otta-otta wa-wa

there really isn't enough internet ink to describe my "weekend" in ottawa. i was there for a mennonite central committee student seminar - pursuing security in an insecure world.

aside from the formal agenda, there was time to eat sushi with heather, look for a dress for corina's wedding (no luck!), gawk at ice sculptures, try my first beavertail, enjoy a good steak, and catch up with mel for the first time in nearly two years! the weekend was jam-packed and wonderful, apart from snow bullets, puddles, bitter wind, and the fact that the tv in our room stopped working after i watched american's best dance crew.

but back to the seminar... it covered food security, poverty in canada, principles of non-violence, and restorative justice. we ate butter chicken and shawarma and chatted about khadr, fair trade, and obamamania. i was offended by the candy sold at the war museum's gift shop and the elevator broke while we were in the peace tower on parliament hill. there was a lot in there to think about, but i'll just share three:

one: a long trek through the snow led us to the war museum, where we wandered independently, at our own pace. on the way to the four galleries, there's a display of photographs depicting battlefields from the first world war. they're downright brilliant - the colours, the clarity, the composition. and this deeply disturbed me. when i take photos of nancy, kevin, michael, and pat, they often don't turn out very well. it's hard to capture on (digital) film the beauty i see in my friends at l'arche, because that beauty isn't always aesthetic. by contrast, these battlefields - the sites of countless bloody, torturous deaths - were absolutely, even devastatingly, gorgeous. the irony was almost palpable.

two: finally, something occurred to me at the war museum as well as during the tour of parliament, after we'd spent a little time in the memorial chamber. my thought was, is there room for expansion? has the museum set aside space for a gallery devoted to future wars? where will the names of the 108 soldiers who have died in afghanistan go?

there's something deeply disturbing about the need to make room for reminders of future death and devestation. that question's been haunting me. maybe in a good way.

three: the last gallery in the museum is a catch-all, covering everything since world war ii. one creative display featured music videos of some songs addressing the cold war: genesis, u2, elton john, the scorpions, and so on. who knew that the final countdown was not so much about magic tricks as it was about mutually assured destruction? (wait... given gob's mad skillz, those two might not be so different.)



another of the songs on the list was nena's 99 luftballoons. the (english) lyrics are super - all the more so if you've read the backstory.

k is for kisses

cannot *believe* i've only been awake for thirteen hours... it's been a dense day.

i) a group session for our "carving out your discipline" position papers: two hours of peer review, with ginger cake! i still don't know how my work contributes to humanity, exactly.

ii) research on jeanne guyon: this led to general commentaries on the phenomenon of mysticism among women, which in turn led to simone de beauvoir's chapter on women mystics in "second sex." there was a great deal to process there, and i'll be reflecting about it here when i can. but, to start with: i'm not as healthy as i wish i were.

iii) cornerstone: walking home with charles, cleaning for an inspection, making a birthday card, teaching theresa how to use excel, decorating, drinking on the job, having a party, coming thisclose to trying guitar hero, almost making a med error (i blame the wine!), and helping bev get ready for bed.

iv) so tired. didn't bother going home... came straight from cornerstone to charbonneau, to sleep. trying to decide if i can stay awake long enough to laugh at jon.

vi) by the way, brian and beverly both kissed me today. plus, brian took my hand and sat me on the couch and passed me his jungle book colouring pad and some crayons. the glittery and metallic crayons are especially wonderful.

the crayons weren't really the point, though. it was the kisses that made my world all sparkly.

g is (taken) for granted

following my recent laptop catastrophe/calamity/tragedy, gepetto and i held hands and proceded through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) with grace and humour. it's been a difficult process, but we've leaned on each other and have great hope that the healing will continue.

but scars will remain, and one of the most marked is the now defunct letter g. consider: it's right there, in the middle of keyboard, begging to be used! and so very many participles rely on it! i can't even call gepetto's name without it!

the irony is that i have been teased for my pronunication of (hard) g's on more than one occasion, and since this catastrophic and calamitous tragedy, my class notes and emails have resembled a southern hymnbook.

so, in memory of my recent loss, i offer a brief (and by no means comprehensive) list of other things i take for granted, in the hopes that by naming them now they won't decide to crap out on me in the spirit of that immortal principle: "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

- big yellow taxis
- the letter x, the key for which is also not working
- the shift+f7 (the thesaurus function) which has helped me avoid that letter while enhancing my vocabulary
- platelets and white blood cells. (all blood cells, really, but those white ones have been doing a bang-up job lately!) i'm a klutz of sorts, and have really put these little guys to work over the years: overtime, called back from holidays, you name it.
- music
- forgiveness. a handful of people in my life have been very, very kind to me, tolerating more than they should have, because they had hope for me. and loved me. and were capable of giving, even in their hurt.
- equality. i've never actually felt discriminated against for being a woman or an immigrant... and i'm realizing the degree to which my experience is a function of the particular time and place in which i live. it's quite crazy. and humbling.
- time
- colours. especially blue, green, and persimmon. and purple. they feel like beauty to me.
- money. it's always come, somehow or other.
- literacy
- bobby pins. i rarely reuse one, because i'm quite careless about putting them away when i take them out... also, i destroy them. it's a nervous habit.
- today

e is for effervescent

neutral milk hotel reminding me to name the beauty.
berries, coconuts, peppermint rubbed into my skin and hair.
one bathrobe, two slippers, three candles, forethought.
the weightlessness. how does water do that?
clutching my tall blue/brown mug... sweet, rich, warm chocolate sliding down my throat.
wet tresses on my shoulders.
the sound of the bath salts when they hit the bubbles.

i heard and felt the bathbomb disintegrate, and effervescence became an unspeakably attractive option.