janet's hands fluttered, danced, and beat the air as her recorded voice recited. she forced the simple words of her poem into the world of three dimensions. "i am a sister; i am a dancer; i am an office worker; i am a wonderful person."
that evening, after dinner, sharon took a photo of me blowing kisses at my own reflection. janet's words were ringing in my ears: i am a wonderful person.
i reach out, offering a kindness, then instantly pull my hand back. something within has sprung up to identify my motive: atoning for sin, winning favour, attaining status or glory, hearing praise, inspiring guilt, or some other manipulation... rather than love for the sake of loving, i am doing good for my own sake.
restlessness takes over and i search my surroundings for a distraction. i don't want to think about how very selfish i am. the stench of hypocrisy nauseates me, and my eyes fill with hot tears. how can i be so full of crap?
gazing in mirrors leaves me in awe. my own reflection takes my breath away... not because vanity is my vice of choice, but because what i see is astounding. truly, i am the most beautiful of all God's creatures. and also the ugliest.
my thought life, my prayer, my work ethic, my patience, my compassion, my words, my fear, my touch, my openness, my courage, my purity, my thoughtfulness, my gentleness, my capacity to hope... as they are daily tested, they testify for and against me. and there is nothing like consensus.
n.t. wright says the world is awesomely ugly and achingly beautiful, and that we need imagination in order to cope with what feels like a false dichotomy.
i say my head and heart hurt from the effort of trying to sort myself out.
but this i know: within myself i find great cause for hope, great need for confession, and great grounds for forgiving those who fail me. and without? a God who is only beautiful and who wants to come inside.
beautiful, you're beautiful
beautiful as the sun
wonderful, you're wonderful
as wonderful as they come
~smashing pumpkins, "beautiful"
2 comments:
Nice picture. That's all. No philosophical contribution.
:)
I like catching my reflection too.
Thanks for assuring me often that the things I fear are shallow are natural and okay.
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