learnin'

as i reflect on an adventure which began more than a year ago - at wendy's, of all places - i am struck by how much i still have to learn. when kevin and i first envisioned creating and teaching this course, it felt like a make-work project i could be excited about. over the months that followed, as the content, format, and goal of the class all changed drastically, we began to engage spiritual and theological concerns i had never really seen articulated: the rift between adam and eve, the two natures of Christ in serious conflict with one another, and the mystical ambivalence toward the material world. for me, these texts were "strangely familiar and startlingly different" - to borrow a chapter title from kevin’s forthcoming book - in that they magnified questions i had never allowed myself to dwell on.

from my perspective, the blame for the present popularity of liberal Christianity and neo-gnosticism rested squarely on the shoulders of the west's widespread rejection of objective, demanding truth. the problem, in other words, was that we sought "wisdom without submission." it was eve's sin all over again. this reality, combined with the rampant anti-intellectual tenor of evangelicalism, was posing a serious threat to the gospel message. my own view, i have discovered, was not so much wrong as it was dangerously incomplete. in the pages of thomas and philip and judas, i discovered real human questions, and not mere evasion of authority. in the infancy gospels, i saw sincere curiosity, and not simple mythologizing. finally, among legends and candy floss, i encountered in questions of bartholomew a kind of worship that i could not denounce. indeed, i had to join in.

i suppose these pages ought to be filled with rich descriptions of how i came to master the intricacies of powerpoint, or how much i now know about sifting sources and making the best use of the materials within my reach, or how much better prepared i will be to take the helm in a classroom, having had this experience. all of that could be sincerely and thoroughly depicted, but the resulting document would be almost irrelevant.

i can say with confidence that my future in academia is brighter for having undertaken the teaching of this class, but very little of that assurance comes from "practical" skills attained. the daunting volume of pages yet to be read, the countless hours of wondering and wandering, the panicked prayers, the discovery of profound truth in the mouths of "heretics," the constant struggle of working with someone who has a different stride and theological perspective... all of it has challenged me to keep one attitude, always, at the core of my being: humility. to expect that all people - everywhere, and for all time - genuinely seek something real, and to recognize those same thirsts in me. to plumb the depths of God's truth, daring to go into those shadowy places where scripture and the church seem entirely silent, believing that there is light yet to be found. teaching, i have discovered, is just another word for learning out loud. and that is an adventure i now embrace. humbly.

glory be to Thee, o Lord Jesus Christ,
that givest unto all Thy grace which all we have perceived. alleluia.
glory be to thee, o Lord, the life of sinners.
glory be to Thee, o Lord, death is put to shame.
glory be to Thee, o Lord, the treasure of righteousness.
for unto God do we sing.
~questions of bartholomew, v. 69