reflexion

yeah, i know that's not how you spell it. but i've been doing that. lots. reflecting, i mean.

changes come so quick, and it's hard to catch your breath sometimes. and i don't mean that it's always like, "SURPRISE!!!!!" . . . but even when i have a head's up, that doesn't seem to help. i still somehow get caught off-guard. i've had so much time to prepare myself for a)a new school year, b)the whole residence thing, c)a certain wedding, d)fil and nav moving away . . . . but it seems like it's all catching up to NOW. isn't that strange? i'm a big fan of managing stress, but that's hard to do with heart stuff. nav and i were talking about this last night in terms of "you can't plan a breakdown or a break-through".

sometimes, you're finally ready to talk about hurt or anxiety or confusion at 11:59pm . . . and the curfew has to be tossed out. sometimes, the emotions don't really kick in until the last minute, and you suddenly realize that you're not as ok as you thought you were. sometimes, you have mixed feelings about your ex-boyfriend getting married (for the record, none of those mixed feelings include wanting to get back together. just fyi . . .) and you don't understand why. sometimes, you feel inadequate even if all the details are under control. sometimes, the concept of preparing yourself doesn't make any sense. sometimes, managing stress really means taking care of the few things over which you actually have control.

sometimes, i'm better off falling to my knees. i like that i don't have to make an appointment to cry on God's shoulder . . . 'cause i rarely see those moments coming.