don't look back in anger

when i filled out my law school application, i had to spend a little time on my first attempt at an undergrad degree. i dropped all but one of my classes in second year, then did a summer course, then failed all four of my third-year courses. this required some words. as a result, i thought a lot about the crisis of 2001 - how my family imploded, how my younger sister and i faced new and daunting financial responsibilities, how we both felt abandoned and hopeless, and how no one seemed to understand.

i remember walking around chinatown one day and suddenly realizing what had happened. it was more than three months later.

despite the religious aspects of this event, christian friends didn't seem to get it. there was a lot of material support, but people didn't seem to have any sort of lens through which they could clearly see what we were going through. despite knowing me for many years, my high school friends didn't get it, either. and they seemed to disappear. after my sister and i found an apartment, most of my friends didn't come to the housewarming. people from university came, but they mostly didn't know why we were in a new place. in fact, i don't think anyone has ever responded to this part of my life in a way that implies "getting it." my sister and i feel very differently about that moment of decision, so not even she understands it the way i do.

it's very hard for me not to be angry, even eight years later. and it's hard for me not to read that same pain into contemporary instances of feeling alone. we all have our own lives to lead, and we rarely spend too much time thinking about what the "minor characters" in our stories are doing when they're not in the same scenes as us. back then, we were busy with complicated romantic relationships, we were coming out of the closet, we were trying to figure out what our studies had to do with the rest of our lives, we had our own part-time jobs to deal with, we had other friends... and now we have relatives who are lonely or in poor health, jet lag, spouses, work and financial stresses, and other friends.

i guess i just always hoped that we would also have each other. and that, somehow, that would be enough to help us "get it."

picture this

2009...

it was to be a year of weddings, renewed friendships, goodbyes, and hellos...

cori got married and we danced.

i finished my course work and carried an orange balloon.

i turned 28 and made an awesome cake.

i went to the bahamas and studied for the lsat.

i went to collingwood and played on the swings with nancy and pat.

i said goodbye to cori and made her a cake.

mon got married and we danced.

i got my lsat score and nearly wept with joy.

i went all out for hallowe'en but no one else did!

while on a research trip, i commemorated the 20th anniversary of the fall of the berlin wall.

i celebrated the holidays with more "family" than ever before - friends so close they're family, my little sister's in-laws, distant cousins in london, my little sister, her husband, and my parents. and i missed my older sister and her fiance.

there was a lot more in there... new ideas, new areas of research, major life decisions (like applying to law school), terrible disappointments (the detainee allegations and the recent proroguing of parliament rank high, but there were personal ones, too). but there was growth. and there were good tears.

not bad for a year's work. on to the next!

fa la la la la!

out with the old year,
in with the new!
january's nearly here,
december's nearly through!
though we don't know where the time has flown,
it obviously flew... so

out with the old year,
out with the old year,
out with the old year,
in with the new!

fa la la la lalalalala,
fa la la la la!

~"out with the old year," from the "adventures in odyssey" christmas album

merry, merry

a warm merry christmas to all my readers... all seven of you. a special cup of cheer for michelle, amanda, ab., and cori, who are among the most faithful blog-visitors (and friends) i know.

holly and ivy,
~m

london sweets

the best hot chocolate i've ever had, trafalgar square

anna's christmas cookies

german mini pancakes, south bank of the thames

anna's pavlova (mmmm...)

glasses

madonna and child (me and eddie).

christmas gift (w)rap

it's christmas eve and woe is me,
gotta do some shoppin' in a big hurry,
gotta make a list, gotta check it twice,
gotta read the ads, gotta ask advice
better start right now, better start today,
gonna be in trouble if i delay,
just look outside at all that snow,
got the christmas spirit
HO HO HO!

gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop -
shop-doo-op!

look in my wallet, what do i see,
empty space staring back at me.
check my pockets, news is bad,
can't go shoppin' 'til i talk to dad.
ask him nice for a little loan,
some collateral to call my own,
then FA LA LA, i'm out of here,
to spread a little christmas cheer!

gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop -
shop-doo-op!

how 'bout a watch for my brother bob,
he's always late for his downtown job,
a fruitcake for my aunt eileen,
she's a REAL fruitcake if you know what i mean,
there's mom and dad, and uncle smitty,
and all those cousins in kansas city,
the list gets longer, every day,
jing-jing-jingle, i'm on my way!

gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop -
shop-doo-op!

hurry home to wrap and tie,
st. nick will be here by and by,
pile those presents on the floor,
light the tree and lock the door,
tiptoe off to fall in bed,
sugarplums dancing in my head,
can't wait 'til christmas comes, but then
i can't wait 'til i go shopping again!

gotta shop, shop,

gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop, shop,
gotta shop -
shop-doo-op!



~ huron street public school christmas pageant, 1991

corina and i can still recite most of this by heart :)

solo?

there's an important distinction between a monologue and a soliloquy. the former is an extended uninterrupted speech by one person, while the latter is similar, but not intended to be heard by any of the other characters. it's addressed only to the (passive) audience. it's hamlet's "to be or not to be" rather than, say, emilio's speech about how he ended up in detention in "the breakfast club" (which i just saw!). hamlet was just talking to himself, working through ideas outloud, but the jock was actually communicating. i mean, yes, he was working through stuff, but he also wanted the rest of the crew to know. and he wanted them to respond.

if you're asked to recite a monologue, either kind will do. but when you're writing a blog... you have to kind of decide which kind of "performance" it's going to be. for the record, i don't want this to be a soliloquy.

ok?