feeling grumpy, icky, and a little guilty about the selfishness those two things often inspire in me, i tried to sleep away the ride into toronto.
no dice.
suddenly, i sat up in my seat and blinked. and blinked again. i may have even rubbed my tired eyes. but it was there, for real: just ahead of the bus was a car with my name on the vanity license plate! i stared, agog, for a minute... long enough that by the time i'd grabbed my camera out of my bag it was too late. i leaned back and pondered.
so often i can't make sense of the world around me. it seems that the way i think is completely foreign to everyone else. and vice versa. and not just the way i think, but the way i feel. that's not to say that there aren't people in my life i can share myself with, because there really are. i have go-to people for various areas of my life, and i accept some degree of "specialization" as normal.
but the truth is that i don't live my life in discrete pockets. my ambivalence about gender politics, the texture of eggplant, our old street in bucharest, nancy teasing me about her nail polish, the smell of a london fog, scars, hopes, joys, doubts... they're all connected. you can't understand one without the others.
i often feel like i'm in the centre of a venn diagram. all alone.
the thing is, though... i'm having trouble convincing myself that seeing my name on someone else's car - so suddenly, so randomly - doesn't change anything.
4 comments:
If it makes you feel better, I feel like an isosceles triangle sometimes.
that totally resonates :)
I find that I expect everything in my life to be completely disconnected. Like, "Well sure, me and God aren't talking, but I can't figure out why I've been in a perpetually bad mood for weeks" (a recent example) or, "I might be losing a friendship, but I have absolutely no reason to cry all day" (a past example). Though I don't always see it, I'm usually wrong.
What kind of changes do you find yourself hoping for as a result of the Mara plate?
but it seems like the interconnectedness is inescapable for you, too, or else you couldn't make that comment :) for me, it's frustrating that the my interconnectedness isn't comprehensible/intuitive to other people.
as far as the license plate, it isn't that it inspired particular hopes; it just seemed meaningful. iiiii'm not quite sure in which direction, or of what magnitude yet...
Post a Comment