wonder two

my first semester at university felt like complete immersion in a foreign country; it had its own language and culture, and it was so very easy to feel like an isolated misfit. thinking of that worn-out adage about being alone in a crowd only added insult to injury: i deeply resented being a cliché. still, there was no denying that i could be surrounded by friendliness and conversation all day long, and ultimately walk away feeling as though i hadn’t connected soul-to-soul with anyone. experiences like that made me doubt if i ever would.

now i have.

whenever i reflect on those dark phases in my life, there is inevitably only a dull ray of light to illuminate my loneliness. i am beginning to accept that i shall always wonder what loneliness is. but, as long as i'm gentle, i can strive to sketch out the silhouette of this mystery.

i missed hearing my own name, to start. i missed being touched. i missed being missed. i missed being known as an individual. i missed being an i.

these vague shapes, the product of squinting and struggling, have given me some measure of comfort. listen, we're not tailor-made for each other. you're not going to instinctively know how i like my tea and what song makes me cry and who i am becoming. i'm not going to know what's not ok to ask and who inspires you and what your favourite word is. it just doesn't come naturally, you know?

the beauty of friendship is that we choose to learn each other. we desire to know each other, and allow ourselves to be known. i invest in you (singular) and you (singular) invest in me. that is the only cure to loneliness i know.

if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know?
~ keane, "somewhere only we know"